i feel so upset and demoralised

                 today and yesterday cant help feeling upset and demoralised because of work performance and words said by xxx behind my back. Becos of his words, people are hesistant of talking me in now. Thanks argh. Felt so unhappy when my informer told me abt it. Now i am lost, should i just leave this place and start afresh and establish a new image? i really want to do so..leave this place and forget everything just like what my colleague does. Well, but i dun have the courage to do so when market is so bad now and i have no other job offer. Feeling so depressed now after my informer told me this. Cant help feeling sad and affected by those words. Well, at least i learn hard that i shouldnt be too low profile next time. At least whatever i do should be made known like what some people does.Copy the bosses and make it loud. But haiz i am really not such person la. i like to be low profile.

              i really feel like asking  xxx about what he told my new B. I really feel injustice. Becos of ur words, people's decision are suay. i hate this. I wanted to be mean and just resign to jump over but can i really do this? I AM REALLY CONFUSED !!! what should i do? June is way too long. people canot afford to wait for me :( 

               i want to leave this place :( Forget all the memories that i should forget and GO !!! 

~ very very miserable ~

         I went missing for blogging so long just simply becos i was lazy to blog already. I went for holiday to taiwan for 2 weeks and it was a nice trip with lots of food and shopping and doing activities that singapore dun have. Bf made a paper ring and banner for me during the paragliding activity in nan tou. It was a memorable one but its a paper ring :( not a real ring zzz 

      well, other than that, couldnt remember what have i did for months. I feel really really miserable now. Mind so confused. You are gone for long why come disturb my life again :( Can i just pretend that i duno you and go back to the days where we are just strangers??? Just when i almost forgotten abt the past. You came remind me arghhhh

~today just feels sad ~

               I have been missing blogging for some time..went for holidays to BKK and Jakarta in may and june and now its aug..well, today seems to be a really sad day, thus i thought of pending down my thoughts and feelings. 

            today went to JB with bf and everything is just very sian cos he is tired and i do understand that. Not that i dun understand but its just the same feeling that i always get...he is just like a dead robot to me today. So when i was catching the train today for home, i saw a few couples so sweet and loving and seeing how the guy treats the girl really touched me and i felt so envy of them...So, when i feel something like that, i can sense that something is very wrong... Somehow i feel the fire between us has died..really died...he doesnt treat me as well as before and i dun love him as much as i do in the past..Everything also need remind and request from him..Is that what a role a bf should display? If everytime also need request then i will start to think if you are my friend or am i your gf?? the line isnt clear.. If i am your gf then everything that is done has to come from your heart and not when i request then you do it for it. Well, its really tiring in the long run because sometimes i do think if i really need you as my bf or not. Or rather its better off staying single? qns like these just ponder through my mind...

         BFF asked me one qn. So do you treat him as your buddy companion or lover? honestly i myself get an ans from myself..i told her i duno...so i posed this qn to him and he said of cos he treat me as lover..BUT why doesnt i feel that you treat me as your lover lehhhh?? Is my expectation too high or what??? Nooo wat cos i am just a simple girl with not much expectation.

        All in all, i am just upset and sad over this when i chatted with my colleague over msg. Alrights he just random came along so i opened my heart to him. Haiz sooooo sad duno what can i do to rekindle the sparks back..BFF keep saying that i need to remind myself i am attached and not happily talk to other guys when i am alrdy attached, thus giving other guys chance to woo me. I didnt have such intention really, but thats just my personality. I talk to whoever i am comfortable with. Sometimes, i did have thoughts of : hmmm, this guy got potential to be a nice bf...BUT>... well, all these thoughts did came into my mind and its wrong though, so i didnt think so much..

         Another bff once say: you are in a risky ship..If one guy suddenly take action to woo you, i can forsee your bf in a plunging state..Well, i laughed when i heard his comments..I wouldnt want to make comments on this because i know something which i wont do..i wont hurt people..i rather people hurt me rather than me hurting ppl..This is all i can say now..i will just suffer the pain myself..Well, its not as if i have suffered before. The pain is really very tong ku but after a yr i will heal..

            This issue has been ranting many many times for yrs and i still cannot find a conclusion. So tired already. Feels like escaping somewhere and just heck care abt relationships... Just wanna the freedom that i had last time. Get out of this bloody hse and lead my own life...love the life that i used to enjoy in china..travelling with no woes and leaving home for months..

             If only i can do this now...BUTTTTT ........

good bye

              good things always come to an end. Good bye... its been a nice one yr and hope you enjoy yourself abroad..i doubt i will be around after a yr when you return.. Indeed i am sad and reluctant to say good bye...well, time is all that is needed now to adapt to the days where i do not know you and get back to the days where i just entered this place..this place holds fond memories for me. Hope things will be good for you...my mood just feels really sad now even though i am typing this entry...well, thats life, people comes and go. Just gonna accept the fact and embrace that.

Shocked continues

                10 April marks something that is unforgetable in my mind...everything just happens too fast within half a hr til i couldnt take a breather and recall what actually happens. It seems like a dream but its not a dream cos its real ! well, my mind is still shocked over it and images keep recurring in my mind. i am brain dead now. Too confused and duno if my brain is really working properly now. I need get back to my rational self and think properly. Life is just full of ups and down and yea i am satisfied with my life now, apart for job satisfaction.. Other than that, i am blessed with a great bf who has been my bf, bff, everything for the past 3.5 yrs. i must think rationally now and dun any mistakes in life. My life is full of roller coaster rides that is tough and challenging. He call me brave and indeed i am cos i have a tough life since young. Not easy, thus i have to learn to be strong and independent to survive well.

         i hope to unclog this brain confusion soon.....a few more months i will leave this place and everything will be back to normal. Although abit reluctant to leave, but i need to start thinking about my future soon. I will miss everyone :( even his bff cos we recently got closer after attending LYK funeral as a company. He is quite sweet to remember my birthday.  :) well, people here are nice, which makes me reluctant to leave..i feel like home over here, unlike my first job...

~ i will slowly forget you... ~

            its been almost 2 mths since i last updated my blog. Well, i was pretty busy with life as usual. Full of ups and down..cant remembered what happen during in FEB. seems so vauge because not much stuff happen in FEB. Probably just valentine day and CNY. This year CNY i stayed at home through out because i needa rest. 

          March is a month of happiness and saddess..The apprasial and bonus that you gotten makes you upset. Well, life is never fair and i was quite upset with the fact that i was penalized for something that is not within my control. D&D went well in march. Was a happy occasion actually but didnt win anything..sianz..I am starting to go for interviews which is a go sign...but i am not really sure if i wanna leave this organization as i am happy with the place...well, time will tell..

         past few days i was shocked to know something..really unexpected..well, i really want slowly move away from XXX and forget his presence and return to the days where i duno him.. i dun want to feel sad when i leave this place..He and my colleagues will be remembered in this wonderful organization..Its been a few days and i still shocked over this fact...i really duno how to react..so i shall just slowly disappear.......

~A beautiful dream that i hope it will never stopped ~

                 things have been going well so far so gd..our dept partner's dinner went pretty smoothly and being the stage presenter to give out prizes though quite stress, but afterall it was a good experience because i doubt i will ever get a chance to give out prizes again with our CEO. Well, so it was indeed quite a memorable one although i was quite reluctant to be the stage presenter cos everyone will be shooting at you and i dun like that attention. After which went out to chill out with my colleagues and eye candy somehow came along too :) that night all of us had a great gathering at dempsy having ben and jerry ice cream. And i got to know my eye candy better. Overall that night was really enjoyable and happy because we colleagues rarely get to mix after work. Since this event brought us together, i felt really happy chilling out with them. Such nights are rare so i do cherish these happy moments.

             And Thur was a beautiful dream for me. Dont feel like waking up from that dream at all, but well, i guess wonderful memories always come to a stop. He jio me come back office that random thur to catch a show and since i am free and i am also going out, i agreed since its quite some time since i last saw him too. Actually when we were at the entrance stopped waiting to check our tickets, i was really scared to be recognised by other staffs because i was tagging behind him. In the first place, i shouldnt be seen mixing with him, but somehow this makes the whole process exciting and thrilling. The thrilling part is : not to let staffs that we know each other and everything have to be secret. Although that 40 min show didnt talk much, but it feels like a dream to me somehow. :( A dream that i wouldnt want to wake up from because i really enjoyed that moment. Actually i am not certain if i want him to stay far away from me or i hope he can talk to me..heart and mind just confused...

           Friday was kinda a  sad day for me becos of the appraisial that my manager gave me. It seems that i have deproved for my performance, which i find it unreasonable because i am doing more things and i am marked based on student MCQ post scores? little improvement from the students indirectly means that i cant teach? All these are the things that she inferred just on the student marks.seriously i dun find them justifiable. Although i know that i might not be a good teacher who can teach, but i am certain that i have improved. Thus, that day i was really upset after seeing how she grade me. But i was glad that my bff chatted with me and give me the moral support. Suddenly felt less depressed after chatting with him. At least he understands me...he seen how much effort i put in previously but just that my manager didnt see it. He is the only guy colleague that seen me crying previously when i failed my teaching assessment for 2 times. I think i just cant be a teacher. I guess i am just hoping to move on. However, not really sure if i se de leave this workplace. i kind of like this environement already. Or i dun want to leave for other reasons? I really hope that there will be calls soon.Whether i wan to leave or not after confirmed for a job, i will decide later. All i hope for now is to get some shortlisting.

            Mind is confused now.Hope to clear it soon ! suddenly too many things happening at one time :(