~i am seriously damn confused now~

wed i came home pretty late though i finished lesson quite early,abt 3pm like tat..guess wat i am doing.haha,as usual..ppl who know me well will find me in the library surfing net..and the ans is yes..tat day saw 3 ppl in all and stopped for each person to talk..first was ade..yup, she was kind of shocked why am i in sch.yup,the ans was obvious i think..next was shu ting and her friend..i didnt saw them initally despite the contant waving to me.sorry at times i just canot see ppl waving to me cos i didnt wear my spects.then they ask me abt my results and i told them..they sae i shouldnt worry and scared so much cos they sae i can go in de..but is tat the case?i reali dun dare to sae so..cos jin yi got exactly the same results as me last yr and he didnt get in..so i dun dare to pin too much hope.talk til 7.45pm then manage to board the train to go home..then so qiao saw terence.both of us was like pretending not to see each other initally cos he cant recognised me,but somehow he still feels tat its me.and somehow i also feel tat the person is just terence.yup,i wasnt wrong this time..so we take train all the way bac home,but he alighted at bukit batok cos he live there.surprising we have lots of things to talk abt considering in the past,we didnt reali talk much.it seems tat both of us have no where to go man.hai~seriously i reali regretted studying jc cos tat cert cant reali go anywhere.moreover i told them many times tat i am not the jc type liao but they stil dun wan listen,so wat now.the truth has shown itself.now,i can just pray hard tat things go as i hope to.then becos i came home reali late,then end up i slept at 2.30am just to complete my maths cos he wan me to hand up on thur.but even til 2.30am i still cant complete cos i forget everything liao and i need to recap and flip my lectures notes..all these takes time and seriously i have a hard time doing the maths paper though exactly its not not reali veri veri tough one..anyway the next day i came to sch reali tired cos i onli sleep like 3hrs..then thur morning,my maths teacher ask me to hand up but i cant so i tell him the reason..luckily he didnt scold me cos usually he will..so he gave me up to fri to complete.thur nite i still sleep at 2.30am again..cos i still haven complete my maths paper..tat's pathetic man..the paper should be completed in 3hrs and yet i took like 9hrs to complete it..
todae,fri,i was reali veri troubled..so i onli came to sch for 2 lessons cos the rest of the lessons are not applicable to me.so i am asking myself this qn tat it is reali effective to comtinue to stay in sch cos i feel tat i dun reali learn tat much..those i learn are not applicable to my syllabus too..wat the hell,most of the time,i spend my time rotting lah or not paying attention cos its not required in my syllabus.ms lim,my new form teacher somehow talk to me also me retaining.she feels tat its not pointless to retain at this pt of time cos she sae tat the syllabus has changed and i am taking the old syllabus instead.she asked me to think over it..indeed this few days i am thinking but i still cant find a definite ans to it..she sae actually i know wat i want to do, just tat i am scared of the consequences..ya,wat she sae was rite..i am indeed scared of the conquences,so i dare not quit sch up to now though i reali feel like it.cos i feel tat its pointless to stay on when most of the time i have lots of free periods rotting in sch.actually i wan to work now cos i prefer working than studying but i reali dun dare to face the consequences of choosing this route cos i know tat i cant go no where.she told me not to take too long to consider but i relai duno leh..tat's why i am so troubled wat..hai~~now i am reali rotting like mad man.i am reali not in the mood of doing serious work now cos i still haven made up my mind of wat to choose now.sigh..why is my life so many obstacles de..how i wish i were not born man..up to now,i am still hiding cos i still dare not lift up my head to look at my teachers..i tend to hid my face away when i saw them..yk sae i am siao,but i reali dun dare to face my teachers wat and moreover i feel reali ashamed for staying in yc for 4yrs..maybe tat;s the physical part tat i reali need to overcome ba..hai~weekend are coming and i need to complete lots of hw too..hai~i shall start tml..

~i am starting to reconsider my decision le~

mon nite tat ray (The pervert guy) tat i used to call him,msg me,but i didnt know it was him initally,so i replied..but when i knew tat the person i was talking to was him then i started to be rude to him..i told him tat he can forget abt dating me cos i told him b4 tat i am not interested in him already..then he stopped msging me liao..which was gd cos i find him reali annoying.duno why he always wan to ask me out when i dun even know him tat well or should i sae we are strangers though we met once before..somehow i feel tat he has a motive for tat,maybe he wans to cheat young gers like me,but sorry i am not interested to flirt and play along wit him.though i think he is quite gd looking, but i think he is reali not my type of coffee and moreover he is too flirt..cant stand this kind of ppl man..so wat u are handsome,tat doesnt mean u can go around playing around and cheating gers..initally i wanted to scold him "sickening" de, but i decided not to cos i dun wan to be too mean to ppl..but indeed i am still rude to him..but i dun care la..who cares rite..
tues nite was a tiring nite for me..duno why i always fell alsleep in class, esp during the gp lesson cos my teacher's voice too soft liao and i cant reali hear..and i think i would prefer my previous gp teacher cos at least i understand the struture of the lesson but for this teacher i cant reali understand.in fact, find it kind of disorganised.maybe i am still not used to the schooling life afterall i nuah for too long liao..and i think this time my gp confirm wont improved de cos i dun think i learn anything during gp lesson cos its either i tend to switch off after a while or simply i cant follow her agrument..hai~~think my gp is gone case man..her voice is also so monotone lah..no wonder no one is listening in class,they do their own things..my class came 2 china ppl..they damn interesting and funny man..esp the guy..haha..but i find it hard to understand their english cos they got the china accent. so far all my teachers are ok except gp..initally i am used against my maths teacher de cos i heard alot of bad things abt him in the past.but it seems tat he treats me quite ok leh..todae he still ask me to come out of the crowd,still thought he wan to scold me, but actually not.he wanted to ask me abt my uni stuff..actually he is not tat bad afterall,or maybe i have yet to seen the other side of him cos afterall i onli come to sch for 4 days onli..but never mind,i shall create a gd impression of him so tat i wont get black listed.my physics teacher is veri gd..i like her lesson veri much but i think i reali canot make it for physics cos i see the block test papers cant even do a single qns man..and yet there is ppl getting "B" in my class..think he super smart man and he can sleep and listen to lesson at the same time..so pro man..i seriously cant do it..idol2 has somehow seen me and i think he is wondering why i am bac cos he paused a while to look at me..but duno why seems like everyday also see him..haha,something to be gd abt..but where has idol 1 gone to??haven seen him yet since i returned sch..
todae wed was kind of boring day..duno why i am starting to ask myself if am i reali keen to stay on in sch to retake my A levels if NTU dont accept me..cos i find tat i dun have the passion to study liao and i am not as hardworking as i am in my j1 repeat tat time..partly becos i need to play my piano for my mum to see everyday cos she insist it and i reali cant do my homework liao cos by the time i play finished,its veri late le..i am partly reconsidering cos i have stayed in jc for 3 yrs le..i am quite sick of staying on le cos ppl usually take 2 to 3 yrs to complete jc,but i choose to take 4 yrs..mum kept asking me to quit sch and work,i duno if i am influenced by her already or it is just my thinking..hai~~i am also so lonely in sch man..other than clicking wit yg and justin they all,seriously there is not much ppl to hang around wit..i am not familiar wit my class ppl and i dun reali know much abt them..even though i might be staying in my group,but i seldom talk cos i also duno who are the ppl they are talking abt..so quite hard to join in..hai~~damn sian man..

~i am reali troubled now ~

weekend didnt reali do much homework cos i am abit lazy afterall i nuah too long liao and cant reali get bac to studies..also partly my mum keep insisting tat i must play my piano for 2 times a day..in all i wasted like 3hrs per day for piano and i am left wit little time for my own studies..i am reali angry and fed up wit her cos she kept scolding me and asking me to quit sch..she keep nagging non stop when i am doing my own homework..wat the hell, its not as if i am playing or not, i am studying leh and she sae tat piano is more impt now, instead of studies..then i told her tat i cant finish my hw if i were to play piano for so many times a day,then she sae,then copy and hand up the work for last yr lah..wa lao, where got parents ask children to copy hw de..i am just reali angry wit her cos i am determined to study hard now and yet u kept stopping me from doing my homework and asking me to quit sch..u should be lucky tat i am willing to study now,at least i didnt give up on myself and work..becos i know i can go nowhere wit an A levels cert..instead of encouraging me,u are pouring a wet blanket on me..wat i need most now is encouragement and will for me to do better, but yet i dun see tat..its obvious tat u are biased..she treat my brother better just becos he is smarter..so wat..
i am reali tired of the torturing..i feel tat coming bac home is like a hell to me..i dun feel any warmth in this family..moreover,this weekend she keep torturing me until i kept crying cos i reali cant take it..i wan to work hard now but she dun allow me..she refused to give me money for anything, including food expenses,transport fees and sch fees, wat am i do to now..sigh...i am damn fann...sigh..dad cant do anything also..she is reali going to torture me like mad everyday..wat should i do????

~first day in sch~

todae is my first day in sch after nuahing for so long at home..seriously i find kind of loss when i stepped into the class..i know no one except one ger tat she used to be in my class, but she is kind of unfriendly, so i didnt stick wit her..make friend wit 3 other gers, they are quite friendly and somehow manage to click along too..but i am veri worried abt how should i catch up wit my work man cos now like alot also forget liao and watever the teacher explains seems vague to me and i dun even remember all the formuale..tat's the worst part..so i cant reali proceed even if i wan..my class is damn pathetic, 15 ppl onli..no of gers also so little..from one look, i can see who from my class cant make it to uni cos can see they damn slack and keep dozing off in class...actually i spent most of the time observing ppl in class esp during the chem lessons cos SPA is none of my business cos i no need to take liao..i wanted to do my own stuff but the teacher standing down there so canot la.seriously my chem teacher is a damn bored person, and he keeps nagging..but i would prefer him over my previous last yr teacher cos at least i understand wat he is saying..he kept nagging my class tat" at the rate u are going, u all are sure to come bac here (yj)..."then he looked at me saying "sorry, no offence.."then i laugh..i know he not pin pointing at me la, so i didnt take it to heart..
for my first lesson, i didnt go for lesson wit my class, so qiao tat i saw a familiar face so i go lecture wit her..in total heard there are 7 repeats..she is damn gd la, she was put wit another repeat together so they can be friends..for the rest of the 5 ppl, we are separated..but todae i reali kana caught by a teacher for coloured hair, just as i expected when i went for the physic lect..but how did he knows tat i am a repeat student when he never teach me before..hmmm...and i am reali too ashamed to lift up my head when i walk outside the staff room cos tat time my teachers tat used to teach me or seen me before, gave me tat look..one of the teachers even said hi to me..oh man, i was so pei seh tat time i smile bac..saw idol2 todae too..but he didnt seems to see me..seriously haven seen my idol 1 yet..hope to see him soon..haha..
actually i am not reali sad afterall cos i still see familiar faces, like yg,justin,and li ting..haha, mostly guys retained, so no choice,then become closer wit them..got time when will talk...i duno why all my tutors did comment anything on my hair cos its so obvious tat i dyed..i think they know la, but just didnt sae anything..but i hope tat during assembly dun give me trouble cos usually they will spot ppl for coloured hair during tat time..hai~~tonite onwards shall start revising on my revious lect notes liao if not i will remain blur of wat the teacher is talking abt..moreover the lect notes all changed liao,abit hard to catch up and some of them also not in syllabus..headache..got so many things to study now..and still got so many tutorials to catch up wit..actually i reali wanted to go for this sat chalet for lay ping birthday but i think i reali no time to go cos got so many work to catch up wit..hai~~so ke qi..else, can go there enjoy...

~i finally made the final decision~

mon i did a major decision and my mum wake me up to ask me if i am go bac sch for the time being to retake my A levels, and yet i am reali angry with her now cos tat time right after i got my results i ask her if i can retained and she told me a firm NO and now, she regrets it after brain washing from her friend..wat is this man, tat time u shattled my hopes, and now u wan to go bac sch for the time being..but after we came bac from sch, then she decided to change her mind again then she thinks tat i dun wan me to go bac sch again..wat the hell, she is damn fickle minded lah, kept changing her mind..but i dun care man, i think going bac to sch will be the best solution to solve all my problems..my mum stress tat its not as if i fail or wat, tat's why she is against retaining, but to me this kind of results cant go anywhere and moreover private uni is too ex,we cant even afford it..so i think tat retaining will be the best solution to it, as least i will do better for the A levels subjects, but gp wise i cant confirm cos afterall i always fail gp and there is not much improvement even though i retain.sigh..the teacher in charge asked me why i decide to come bac sch so late cos the application has closed, but i kept quiet cos its not my fault wat, its my mum who refused wat..i think my mum is just mad man cos she wans the teacher to allow me to take music instead of my 3 main subjects..then the teacher was giving me tat look,but its not wat i wan wat,tat's just my mum wish..then she sae, "girl,look..i can offer u onli the previous subjects tat u took.."wa lao suddenly felt tat i kana scolded for no reason cos i didnt sae i wan to take music in the first place, its all my mum's wish..anyway things were settled pretty fast,think 20 mins settle everything le..initally she wanted me to start sch on tues,but i didnt wear my sch uniform, so canot..then she sae wed, but i told her i canot also cos i haven finish my application stuff so i tell her tat i will go bac sch on fri..actually on the other hand, i was thinking tat i also dun wan take the block test lah..i didnt touch the notes for so long le, cant expect me to give me a day to study then i must go for exam..so i choose not to go..fri i am going bac sch for normal lessons le..actually i am reali ashamed to go bac, but i reali dun have a choice..seriously i dun dare to lift up my head when i was in yj tat time to appeal cos i reali find it veri pei seh..the most ppl will retain is onli 3 yrs and i took 4 yrs..argh !!how can not feel ashamed..and i am reali scared when i go bac sch on fri cos i will alone..scared tat i will have no friends, then must eat alone and study and go for class alone..so pathetic..too bad yk not same class as me, else i will stick to him..hai~~now i am also worried abt my hair colour..my hair is dyed and confirm i will kana caught by teacher de, but i just dun wan dye my hair black lei..else all my previous effort will be wasted...
i am also worried now tat my mum will suddenly call up the sch to sae tat i wan to withdraw from sch cos even up to now, she is against it..i scared she will call up the sch to make trouble for them and me..hai~~and she demand tat i tranfer money to her bank for the sch fees and everything..but i just find it ridicious la..she sae tat if i dun tranfer to her, then she will call the sch to withdraw my application..hai~~~fann arh, where can i find money for her man, i used up most of my money tat i worked..anyway i dun care liao la,i confirm plus guarentee wont tranfer money to her, she can do all she wan,and i am not leaving the sch unless the local uni is willing to take me..all she cares is money, and not my future..wat is this man..but seriously when jing yi knew abt this, he took the iniative to lend me money, but in the first place, i didnt sae i wan to borrow any money from him..but anyway i am reali touched by wat he sae..haha..he indeeed has a kind heart..i am worried how am i going to survive now cos my mum just wont give me a single cent to sch, not even the transport fees and allowance for food..die man, where can i find money to support myself other than my dad giving me money..argh!!
tues was reali busy editting my application for uni..actually must reali thanks wee ping for her time cos she spent her previous time for me..then wed, which is todae, went out with lina to SMU and SIM..when i go SIM, saw yi ping, and indeed she has changed alot..i was thinking tat time where has she gone, and i know now..its SIM..seriously i see the course le..hai~~sad to sae mostly i dun like,i onli like the biomedical engineering, the rest is mostly business related and i have no interest in econs, so it seems tat i dun like most of the course..then how,i onli have one choice, tat's work super hard now and make sure i can go local uni..and moreover its super ex man..later when to ngee ann to eat chicken chop..haha, abit lame to go there just to eat chicken chop but i reali miss the chicken chop over there wat and i miss the time spend in ngee ann when i was in sec sch preparing for my mm competition..later when to SMU to pay the $15..all i can sae is SMU Is a super rich college..
tml i shall start preparing to take out my lectures notes le and from tml onwards i will gonna busy again..but tat time i am reali happy when i saw my idol2 when i came bac sch tat time..think he should have saw me ba cos its super obvious when i am wearing home clothes..

~my troubles~

last sun, on our way to NUS, i saw sharlyn..she mistook my brother as my bf..i thought a lot of ppl sae tat me and my brother look alike…hmm…tat day my brother friend was around and I ask the nus ppl funny qn like wat course can get in wit lousy grades? then my brother frien laugh..i know I am asking ridiculous qns but I relai wan to know which course I got chances to go in and eventually after all the asking, none of the courses I can actually go in..my brother friends got all “A”s just like my brother, actually I am more like extra over there cos I know tat I dun belong there..

yh also told me abt ms lim saying to her tat “dun u think tat u get the same grades as ur gang?”actually do feel a little hurt after I came to know cos I dun think she should sae tat….the gang she is preferring to is obviously me ! tues chatted wit lina over the phone for veri long over the application of uni..it seems tat we reali have no money to go private uni..even though we are willing to put our house as a deposit, the bank is not willing to accept..then how now?i can onli afford to go local uni, but grades wise are just too lousy, chances of going in are just veri little and I just realized tat SIM are mostly part time course and not full time..like tat canot la,like tat when will then I get to graduate and moreover the fees are not cheap.and they look at ur income and they will have the final say of wether they wan to accept u or not..wa..now, veri worried and headache, reali duno how now, ppl around me have a plan liao and yet I dun have cos my parents cant afford..now, as I grow older, I start to realized the impt of money becos money can solve a lot of problems..In the past, I never worry abt money cos I know my parents will always settle for me, but for now, the sum of the money is just too huge..hai~where should I find money for the fees??finally I understood why HE sae tat uni fees are ex..in the past I dun relai understand why HE Said tat,but now I understand what he has gone through le..maybe as a person grows older, he or she will start to think for the future liao and perhaps the responsibility burden gets heavier as we grow older..thought of going to UNSW, but tat’s worst..fess are even more ex than SIM..hmm..now I finally understand why ppl always get headache and worried when they talked abt uni fees..i thought of working of a yr and later then apply for uni but my parents are against it cos they know I wont have the heart to study anymore..actually wat they sae are true, I wont deny,,,cos even now, I nuah too much liao until I dun feel like studying..i enjoy my life now without studies.actually I study just to get tat degree cert..

chat over wit cm and Jason over the phone on tues too..it seesm tat tat day I spent like 2.5hrs over 3 ppl..its seldom like me cos usually I dun spend tat long on phone..i intro cm to Jason since she jobless now then maybe wit an agent she can find a job faster and moreover he is quite efficient..she asked me why am I so gd wit him..actually we are not reali tat gd, just tat at times he wil call me to ask me how is my application going on…sometimes I think he is quite a nice guy though I dun relai know him tat much..onli saw him once..but he indeed have left an impression on me becos I seldom see agent so “Caring” cos usually they will ignore and bo chap u after they found u a job and earn their commission..he indeed is a rare one tat will call me at times to ask me how am I doing..from wat I feel, he is quite a realistic person cos he judge ppl a lot on looks..he will treat those ppl who are better looking nicer, tat’s something not too gd..

wed bishi, my ex tutor came to visit us wit her 2 kids.oh man, she changed a lot after giving birth..become more auntie and the way she talks now is toally different now..she sound and talk totally like a mother ..seriously I feel tat I got this gap wit her now cos afterall she is a mother and teacher now..cant be like the past always joke joke wit her and always not serious when I talk..she came to give us a modem and tat modem super gd man, can acess free mails and msn and lots of things for free..so currently I changed to use her modem cos tat stupid dial up of mine are just too slow and ex..so bo hua.in around a month time, my laptop and broadband serive are coming, finally, my tat dial up can retire liao!

Bishi told my mum not to scold me and compare wit my brother so much cos tat day my mum keep scolding me in front of her..she always sae the same usual stuff , I hear liao always sick and sian of it.she sae its becos my mum always scold me stupid tat’s why I always no confident and feel inferior..when she said tat I feel tat wat she said was true..maybe I always no confident in whatever I do and it might be due to my mum constant scolding since young...somehow when she said tat I started crying abit cos finally someone understand how I feel when I always get scolding for being stupid.
My ex piano teacher msg me on wed nite and tell me tat she has a way to help me get in NTU even though my results are not tat gd..but I duno if should I trust her words or not cos she, her mum and my mum have a big misunderstanding now and my mum forbids me to reply and talk to her, else she sae she will throw away my phone.but I didn’t reali care abt her, so I replied bac without letting her know.but I am relai curious tat she reali have tat much of great influence meh?she sae she msg me not to laugh at me but rather she sae she want to help me,,she sae its up to me if I wan her help.but I reali wonder wat’s her motive for helping me..moreover my mum forbids me to talk to her, cant even contact her if I need her help too..

Thur someone called asking me if I wan to teach grade 1 piano kid and he is a guy..when I heard tat I was laughing like mad cos think this is a funny joke..if I were to tell this to my piano teacher, she will confirm laugh at me man..i cant even help myself , dun even talk abt teachin a k1 kid.and moreover is go his house, like tat super stress man cos his parents will be around to see how I teach..actually I am keen to try out cos its $90 for 4 sessions and each session last for 45 min.super gd money to earn man, BUT when I thought of the heavy responsibility tat I need to hold becos I need to teach him for exam, then I start to reconsider cos I dun have the confidence and moreover if I am not gd enough for him, I rather dun spoil the kid’s future.though its easy to “Cheat” this small little kid’s money, just like wat my mum sae but I think I better not do so cos I reali canot hold such heavy responsibility..when the person sae my spoken eng still ok, then I so happy cos I always thought tat I have bad spoken English..at least now I more confident to speak eng and I shall continue to make improvements through more talking.

Fri nite I spoke to wee ping abt the uni stuff and at the same time get to know more abt her sch..hai~~seriously I reali dun like all the courses in SIM,duno if should I apply or not..troubled over it..my grades shouldn’t be a problem of going in SIM, but I dun have the money to pay the fees..and my dad say tat if I cannot go local uni, then he will ask me to go to work liao..and in future I will just have an A Level cert..tat’s pathetic man..i think I will find a way to get my degree..all I can hope is I can go NTU..hai…then can save all the trouble..

The NTU and NUS open house

Fri i got a scolding from the client, just as I expected..cos he want me to book a taxi from the phone and yet he didn’t leave down his contact details and his name.so I dun even know who was the one who called me to book a taxi for him..becos the customer service sae wan me to leave down the person particulars, but I dun hav, so I cant book a taxi, so I waited for the person to call bac to tell me who he is and his particulars.then he so last min then call bac to ask me if I have booked the taxi for him.then end up cant find any available taxi..he sae me tat”I asked u to booked and yet u never booked for me, then who is going to held responsible if my client cant reach the airport on time to catch her flight” seriously tat day I know he is veri angry liao cos his face shows tat..so I apologize to him loh..actually I dun reali blame him for scolding me cos afterall its my fault..seriously tat’s my first time booking taxi lah, and I know nothing abt the procedures for booking taxi, afterall I am new onli loh, cant expect me to know how to do and handle so many things which I never done before..moreover I am just there to help ppl to cover their leave lah, they never tell me tat I need to help ppl booked taxi..moreover I dun understand why cant he booked the taxi himself la,he also hav hp to call wat..this time is reali a learning experience to be kana scolded by a client..seriously I reali dun like the client attitude cos so wat he is big boss from some big company, I dun give a damn to who u are.all I know he has bad attitude, even Melissa dun like his character and asked me not to care abt him.i think in the company I am the most bold cos I reali dun giv a damn to whoever u are, even the big boss..i do whatever I am wan to do..afterall I am a temp onli and I also dun reali know how the boss looks like though they did show me before..to me I think all of the ang mo looks the same cos they like got similar face..anyway I think the client must be thinking why hire such a bad receptionist cos the expression gave him away and whatever qns he asked me I also duno.seriously its not I wan de loh, I onli work there a few days onli loh, cant expect me to know so much things in a short time..i need to learn up their names and remember who is in charge of this and tat and who is in charge of the department and all those..watever man, tat day eventually got a taxi after so long..luckily man, else I reali cant ans to him..tat time I was so panic and scared la cos my “Boss”, Melissa, the client , his client and 3 of my colleagues were there to see me,just to book a taxi..oh man, tat time super stress man and has so many things to do at the same time..i need to pick up calls and listen to 2 phones at the same time..one on my right ear and the other on my left ear, I was reali surprised tat I can multi task at the same time.haha..my “boss” was there cos it was time to knock off liao and she wanted to talk to me and at the same time to collect my pass and key cos tat day last day liao mah, but I like ignored her cos I busy wit booking the taxi for the stupid client..and tat client made me knock off half an hour later la, idiot..end up my “boss” also has to wait for me to return the pass then she can go..actually reali feel bad tat she had to wait for me so I said sorry to her..then when 3 of my colleagues send the client off liao and they came bac to the company, the moment the lift opens, I pretend tat I am busy wit my work though its after work liao and by right I should be going off liao…I am reali too ashamed to face them cos I did a bad job..tink tat Johnny waited for a while for me to lift up my head but I was pretending to be busy so I didn’t lift up my head. Then he said err…then I lift up my head..i was expecting to be xuess cos he is the head in charge mah,but it came out to be johnny..haha..finally got to see him so close..duno why both of us somehow feels veri pei seh when we sees each other,I dun have the pei seh feeling when I see xuess leh..hmm…something weird..duno why somehow I feels tat he knows tat I got gossip abt him when I was talking to melissa tat time and he so happens to come out of the room then he turned to look at me, giving me the “huh” and blur look..then the other time in the lift when we were taking the same lift, somehow we were looking at each other but not directly..though it may seems tat we are looking atraight,but in fact, I still can see from the sides of my eyes..i duno if am I the onli ger in the lift,the rest is all guys and moreover I am new, naturally ppl will look at this new ger who used to work here for a few days previously,tat’s why I am the centre of attraction at tat time of point..but seriously its scary when ppl giv u tat look.. but too bad..last fri was the last day, got no chance to know him better in person..probably next time if the company needs me again for the third time then I will go bac the company ba..

Sat went to NTU,seems tat my chance of going in there is hard cos majority of the course need at least B and C.the professor did give me options of wat I can go in wit this kind of grade, but seriously its veri limited..the chemistry course tat I always wanted to take is confirm plus guarantee cant go in de, so he asked me not to waste my choice..hai~~I reali cant decide wat I can take cos afterall all the choice he sae I dun reali like..saw quite a no of yj ppl too..went to the cca booth too..think uni life is reali veri exciting compared to jc la..reali hope tat I can go in NTU cos afterall its my dream sch..Sun went to NUS wit my brother to listen to nursing course cos I feel tat the onli course tat I got some hope is tat nursing but after the talk, I think its super difficult liao cos they onli take in 50 ppl..hai~~I think I confirm canot go in NUS man..i dun even dare to think abt SMU cos its even more hard, my onli hope is onli NTU.sun also saw TH at jp..seriously it is damn qiao la..actually I didn’t saw him de cos his bac was facing me but when he was talking, somehow I was thinking eh, why this voice sounds so familiar ah, then I turn bac, then I know its him..we didn’t talk much..duno why I feel he like so dao at tat time,hopfully it is becos he was looking for his things ba..he was giving me tat look like why I wear so nice, cos everytime he see me is usually veri lam nuah de..

This week I need to settle my application liao..next week I shall look for a job again..siao man, I reali duno wat to write for the essay..headache man, who should I ask to edit my eassy..

~last day at work~

yesterday my malay guy frien asked me lots of weird and funny qns regarding some fashion sense and he kept commenting tat why i dun wan wear make up and he sae tat if i put fake eye lash will look nice but i told him its not easy to put and moreover i am not tat free to wake up tat early to make up..anyway todae i didnt reali talk much to him.i try not to be too close wit him, didnt eat lunch wit him,so i choose to eat alone.yesterday tse hao also msg me all of the suddden and i was pretty shocked cos he is indeed a rare person tat will msg me..he asked me abt my results..so i told him loh..then i asked him abt HIM regarding how is he doing now..he told me tat he is busy and didnt meet up wit him..i was tinking ya rite,he is busy slacking away more like it..i thought i miss him but i told him tat i am just concern abt how he is doing now as a friend,reali nothing else..moreover i sae tat he has a gf now,i didnt wan to come between them and spoil their happy relationship.
todae is my last day at tat company..reali feel abit sad tat i need to leave le..somehow i did become closer wit the ppl over there..there is this guy by the name of keith whom i tink he is veri man and gentleman,but haha too bad he is married! haha no chance liao.but seriously he dun look like 30 something, more like 20 something to me..anyway there is this another guy in my company by the name of johhny and he is an NUS graduate, major in food sci(Honours).i was hoping tat at least he would talk to me or wat cos sometimes we did look into each other eyes but when this happen, we quickly turn our eyes away from one another and pretend tat we didnt see each other..melissa was around so i ask her who is tat guy which is johhny cos tat time i still didnt know who he is, was just guessing his name cos they sae he is the youngest guy in the company..melissa tease me and sae if is it i wan to know him is it..haha, actually is yes but i denied..i just think he is veri talented, tat's why i am attracted to him..somemore they sae his character veri gd..but i never got a chance to talk to him and i am leaving le..hai~so sayang.he always stick wit xuess and he did talk to me but tat johnny like never talk one leh..he like shy shy de..hmm...
sat n sun i shall go for the open house in NTU, NUS n SMU..duno if i can go in, but go there see see wat course i can take loh..hai~worried man...

~my company IFF~

todae was quite busy in the morning..calls keep coming in and i need to attend to ppl coming in and asking me qns which i duno how to ans them cos i duno wat they talking also..they use those chime chime terms tat i never heard before..its not tat i dun understand the english, just tat i dun understand their technical terms.some just tell me their problems on the phone and i just duno wat they are talking abt..actually i wasnt reali paying attention to wat they are talking la cos i reali dun understand..think i am the most slack in the entire company cos i always sit there suft net and sometimes i keep looking around cos there is reali nothing for me to do,or i have done finish wat i am supposed to do..seriously my company onli gt a few potential future bf cos the rest are just too old..there is one 24 yr old from NUS,but i duno how he look like cos my malay frien was mentioning to me tat he veri smart..actually all the ppl in my company esp the research lab, all veri smart man..they are either degree holder,master or doctor..but it seems tat there is reali no life working in lab cos i always see them wearing lab coat and seriously the coat stinks of chemicals when they come out of the labs..i reali hope i can enter their lab to see wat they are doing, but i am not allowed to enter, unless i go in secretive without anyone knowing,but tat's just too dangerous.moreover my working space is not there,hard to sneak in.there is a few reali cute guys in my company but i dun even get to talk to them.sometimes they will juz smile to me.most of them do know my face cos afterall everyone need to walk past me when they come to work or go home,so naturally can see me,think the guys quite friendly,gers wise mostly veri dao, except a few still ok.mostly who talk to me are guys,think the gers cant be bothered to talk to me..all the ang mo in my company all veri fierce man..oh man,they dun even smile at all..yesterday gt one ang mo vistor come, then he super friendly,veri shuai too..and have a veri nice smile.haha..my malay friend just told me tat my company is veri rich..haha, should i be blessed tat i am working here..hehe..
tml will be my last day le..abit bu she de leave cos afterall this is an easy job..

~sec time working at IFF~

yesterday was my sec time working at IFF..somehow i felt sad, duno why also.and somehow i brought my sadness into work..i guess i am still worried over the uni thingy..argh!!so fann arh..my HR manager greeted me twice and i dun know, then she told my "boss" tat i ignored her when me and my "Boss" were chatting..seriously i didnt know she greeted me,maybe i wasnt paying attention at tat time since i was bothered by my studies..hai~~i reali left a bad impression on her man..but somehow later in the afternoon, things became better le..i started smiling le..perhaps it was my malay guy frien brighten up my day ba..he talk to me alot, somehow made me forget my unhappiness..but he asked things which are veri weird out of the sudden..and my head was like huh??why ask this kind of qns..he asked me if i got go on date wit any older guys and wat kind of age of guys i like.then he asked i will like who in my company..when he asked this, i was veri puzzled, at the same time, i also tink its funny man..he still ask me to find a bf and i told him i am not interested..all these tat he asked made me veri suspicious of wat he is up to..think i better dun stick too close wit him.better to be safe than sorry..somehow he is my onli frien in my company cos we quite get along..the rest like dun click at all cos mostly all are adults and i am just a xiao mei mei over there..naturally there is nothing to talk abt..yesterday just realised from my malay guy friend tat my company has lots of NUS graduates and overseas graduates.think they mostly major in chem ba cos i always see him wearing lab coat and moreover my company invent new food flavours de,yesterday just try out some samples from them..the biscuits taste reali nice.seriously my company is hard to find a bf man..they are either too old or they are just not my type.but there are some chio bu from my company and she is from korea.damn pretty man.yesterday was damn bored man..nothing for me to do at all.actually everyday is working at tat place is bored la..they pay me to suft net onli..haha..
yesterday i had another encounter also,quite a bad experience also but not as bad as the previous time.this time my company's client whom i think he is veri old give me tat lustful look when he stand at my receptionist table..he was saying i got a nice watch and sweet smile cos i got dimple.then i super pei seh la though ppl praise me..then he kept smiling n looking at me like never see xiao mei mei before.aiya i just think these ppl are just sicked and bo liao..then when he left he kept saying gd bye and smile for duno how many times, i smile bac cos my "boss" was around, so no choice.else, i cant be bothered wit him.my "boss" did say me tat when ppl greet me, i should greet bac even though i duno them.ya, i did, but somehow juz tat moment i didnt heard my HR manager greeting me then i kana.
yesterday jason also called me to ask me abt my results..actually i think he reali quite gd..i was joking wit him and said tat "wa, u so gd arh.."then he said "i veri bad meh?"hopefully he didnt take it seriously man cos i was just joking tat time.hai~~wat should i do now??the worried feeling in me have yet to disappear.later i am eating wit my malay guy frien to NUS to eat lunch.hopefully things wont be awarkward cos todae reali feel veri pei seh when i talk to him cos he asked me wat i do to my hair.aiya its just so pattern wat, nothing much de..

~am i reali tat unlucky~

sat went for piano lesson in a sian sian mood cos i reali no mood to go for piano given tat my results are so bad and i duno wat to do now..my piano teacher talk alot to me..she asked me abt my results and she said tat all of her students also get this kind of grades and one of her student told her tat her teacher said tat this yr the average grade is C..does it mean tat everyone also do badly??tat was wat i am thinking at tat time.but one thing i am certain is tat this yr the competition is veri tough cos dragon babies mah,i rabbit confirm lose to them cos from wat i see mostly dragon babies are smarter than rabbits.she told me tat i should choose wat i like instead of going into courses which i am forced to cos i dun have other choices..she sae tat there are many routes to reach my aim and i shouldnt just purely take tat onli route.she sae tat i am just not willing to try..i know tat i do have other routes to take, but why do i feel like i am at a dead end, no where else to go..my piano teacher told me tat i shouldnt worry abt the money part and choose watever i wan to study but how can i not worry man,my dad earn less than $1000 per month and the sch fees itself is not even enough to cover for it lah..moreover asking me to study private sch, will mean tat i no need to eat liao..seriously now i think the money part is a big problem..if i am richer then i need not worry abt going to local or private or overseas uni liao..
sun early morning went out wit my dad to serangoon to pray cos he sae my luck reali veri dao mei cos everytime results always do badly when it comes to critical times like O levels or A levels..actually in other aspects too, things always dun go smoothly..sometimes i am thinking tat am i relai tat unlucky always???cos watever i do i am always not sucessful or always fail or do badly..why is my brother always so de sucessful??his results and luck is always so gd..i reali dun understand why..sometimes i think god is unfair..my dad sae he wont look down on me cos afterall onli experiencing failure will then make one stronger..true, but i have enough of failing, cant i be succuessful just for once??mum was like looking down at me and kept on comparing me wit my brother..i am seriously sick of it liao man..she keep nagging whole day long tat i dun cherish everything esp my piano..she keep asking me to persue the piano route cos she sae i onli got this route to choose but i dun like cos i am not an art person, i am more of the sci person..just becos of this we quarrel everyday..hai~~talking abt the pray, we went to a thai temple..then got monks to chant for us..but i dun understand wat he is saying abt..and he spray abit of "holy water" on me..then dad wans me to use the "holy water" to bathe there cos there got toilet, but i dun wan cos i find it stupid, but eventually i did cos i was forced to..he sae seldom got this chance..anyway i dun give a damn abt such things.duno if i should believe such things cos i just find it ridiculous..
after tat went to meet maril since i got some time left..went to her house..after which proceed to zheng quan house for gathering..everybody got abit of change..jun wei become veri shuai and macho now..he looks damn cute la, but too bad, he is attached, he brought his gf along too..they seems veri competitible..haha..we played card games tat day like pocal..but i duno how to play such things cos i never gamble before and moreover i duno jack or queen is bigger, all i know is A is the biggest..tat day i also drank beer..but onli abit onli la cos i wanted to try how it taste..seriously it taste terrible..i also drank sweet wine, also it taste terrible..maybe i duno how to appreciate la..but i dun understand why so many ppl like to drink arh when it taste so bad..went home quite late tat day..reach home 10.30pm le..tat day eat alot man..think all the siew mai all finish cos i ate mostly all of them..haha..

~lost in life, wat should i do...pls tell me ~

yesterday, 2/3/07 was the release of the results..i did veri badly this time, chances of going local uni veri difficult, i onli can take those dumping courses tat no one wans to take..my results can go private uni, but i dun have the money to study..then wat should i do now??i am reali totally lost and sad now..nothing can spell out how sad and lost i am now..i dun feel like thinking of wat courses to go now cos i reali duno where can i go wit this kind of shit results..surprising yesterday i didnt cry alot..i onli drop a few tears when i know i did badly..they did comfort me and give me tissue, but its no use de cos i still wont be ok de..i know i cant change anything cos it has become a fact, hope i can still eventually find a way out soon..god, pls englightened me ba..seriously when i recieve the results from ms lim, she gave me tat look..then i know i confirm did badly le.she sae she expect better, but its all done, nothing can change the fact..she sae i confirm can go engineering course in NTU or ARTS course in NTU, but i dun think can loh..somehow i think tat those course need veri high marks de loh..sure dun hav chance to go in..but where can i go now???SIM too expensive liao, i cant even afford it and moreover i dun like business related courses, dun think i even wan to go there..i am thinking of retaking but my parents dun allow me to do so..i am willling to take the gamble and try out another time..how??how??how??wat should i do now??i am damn fann now, just dun feel like thinking of anything..hai~~
my friends around me didnt do also tat well, but some of them still can go uni..majority fail gp this time, duno why..i didnt expect my maths to get a C, duno why also..i was expecting to get a B tat time..and tat chem, i didnt expect to do better than tat phy, but end up tat chem got better grades..think i reali need some time to cool down and get over it and decided wat should i do in my next stage of life..i got alot of path to choose now..should i retake, work or continue to study??seriously i cant make a decision..all i know for now is i am at least stepped into a local Uni then i will be veri happy le..my brother got straight As for all 4 sujects and his S paper got 1 distinction and a merit..damn gd la, my parents were veri happy abt it and now he is applying for sholarships..think my parents are going to groom him into a doctor and i think he can do it de..yesterday he was flipping all those booklets and looking for courses and sholarships, but i didnt even flip and bother to look cos i know i canot even go in...my brother is so busy wit his admission things now and yet i am so free.hai~~terribly lost now..
todae actually got the fhs gathering but i have decided not to go le cos i reali dun have the mood to go.i just wan to stay at home and go no where..todae i also did cry cos i am reali upset over it and mum keep nagging and scolding me and i reali canot take it so i cry out..my dad is understanding..he said he dun blame me cos he know i do my best liao..seriously yesterday and the day before, i cant sleep well..yesterday was worst..i keep waking up, duno why, maybe i am just too fann and upset over my results tat's why i cant sleep..sigh..yesterday initally i didnt wan to go home de cos i am afraid to face my mum, but eventually i choose to go home cos i cant find anywhere to go..i am reali angry wit my mum friend cos she keep comparing marks and ask me wat i got..i choose not to pick up her call cos i am reali fann and i have no mood to talk abt it..moreover she is damn kpo, keep telling ppl wat i got and like to gossip around.my mum is angry wit her too..yesterday tat agent of mine,jason did call me..i guess tat he wanted to ask how i fare for my results, but i didnt call him bac cos i reali dun have the mood to talk to him,but i know he is the concern type, not kpo cos the the day before the results are out, tat nite he call me to wish me gd luck..i was quite happy at tat time cos i feel tat somehow there is someone who is concerned and sincere..or mayb u can sae i am choosing to escape from reality, tats why i choose not to call bac..but i know he is a gd guy..i am reali sorry tat i treated him like tat yesterday..yesterday 2 of my close friends also call me up to ask me how i did, so i tell them and yup did ask them for their opinion..now i am fann over where should i get money to study if i reali no choice must study private uni, money now poses a big problem..tat's why now i die die also must try my chance for local uni cos at least still can borrow from bank..my ex tutor was also quite concerned abt me too..she advised me to go bac poly but i dun wan to choose tat route cos i think its a waste of time..i have wasted 3 yrs le, no way am i going bac to poly since i have chosen the jc path..i think i shall continue to work for a wk for the receptionist position since i have promised them, after which i will not think of work anymore..will concentrate on wat i actually wan to do in my next phrase in life..
thur, she msg me to call me tat she is jobless now cos her company suddenly ask her to leave last min and they sae they no need ppl liao..she was damn sad and i truely understand how she feels at tat time.. infuture, i cant get info abt him from her liao..but i guess now i reali no mood to think abt this kind of things..i just feel tat her company is just veri cruel and mean to do tat..
hopefully things will get better the next few days and hopefully i will feel better cos now i am damn quiet, just dun feel like talking to anyone abt it esp to my mum..