I have been missing blogging for some time..went for holidays to BKK and Jakarta in may and june and now its aug..well, today seems to be a really sad day, thus i thought of pending down my thoughts and feelings.
today went to JB with bf and everything is just very sian cos he is tired and i do understand that. Not that i dun understand but its just the same feeling that i always get...he is just like a dead robot to me today. So when i was catching the train today for home, i saw a few couples so sweet and loving and seeing how the guy treats the girl really touched me and i felt so envy of them...So, when i feel something like that, i can sense that something is very wrong... Somehow i feel the fire between us has died..really died...he doesnt treat me as well as before and i dun love him as much as i do in the past..Everything also need remind and request from him..Is that what a role a bf should display? If everytime also need request then i will start to think if you are my friend or am i your gf?? the line isnt clear.. If i am your gf then everything that is done has to come from your heart and not when i request then you do it for it. Well, its really tiring in the long run because sometimes i do think if i really need you as my bf or not. Or rather its better off staying single? qns like these just ponder through my mind...
BFF asked me one qn. So do you treat him as your buddy companion or lover? honestly i myself get an ans from myself..i told her i duno...so i posed this qn to him and he said of cos he treat me as lover..BUT why doesnt i feel that you treat me as your lover lehhhh?? Is my expectation too high or what??? Nooo wat cos i am just a simple girl with not much expectation.
All in all, i am just upset and sad over this when i chatted with my colleague over msg. Alrights he just random came along so i opened my heart to him. Haiz sooooo sad duno what can i do to rekindle the sparks back..BFF keep saying that i need to remind myself i am attached and not happily talk to other guys when i am alrdy attached, thus giving other guys chance to woo me. I didnt have such intention really, but thats just my personality. I talk to whoever i am comfortable with. Sometimes, i did have thoughts of : hmmm, this guy got potential to be a nice bf...BUT>... well, all these thoughts did came into my mind and its wrong though, so i didnt think so much..
Another bff once say: you are in a risky ship..If one guy suddenly take action to woo you, i can forsee your bf in a plunging state..Well, i laughed when i heard his comments..I wouldnt want to make comments on this because i know something which i wont do..i wont hurt people..i rather people hurt me rather than me hurting ppl..This is all i can say now..i will just suffer the pain myself..Well, its not as if i have suffered before. The pain is really very tong ku but after a yr i will heal..
This issue has been ranting many many times for yrs and i still cannot find a conclusion. So tired already. Feels like escaping somewhere and just heck care abt relationships... Just wanna the freedom that i had last time. Get out of this bloody hse and lead my own life...love the life that i used to enjoy in china..travelling with no woes and leaving home for months..
If only i can do this now...BUTTTTT ........
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