~the long weekend~

a long weekend is coming up..mon is sch holiday since sch declare tat our sch did quite well for last yr A's levels,but reali meh? it seems tat many of the ppl i asked didnt do well..anyway tues is a holiday too..so i got 4 days to relax..haha..but i reali got lots of homework to do, sian man..seriously i am veri scared when teachers keep looking at me cos i scared they catch my hair but i ask yk tat is it obvious,he said no,so the paint did hide reali well wat..duno why tat female teacher kept looking at me..then one of chem teacher gave me tat look when i was queueing to buy food..wa lao i cant see the food wat since i didnt wear spects so i stepped closer to look got wat food can order mah..maybe he thinks tat i am cutting queue,but who dares la, he is a teacher leh, i dun dare to queue cut queue even i wish to cos teachers are supposedly to have more power than students..but actually he can be my another idol but i choose not to idolized him cos he is veri sacastic..though i know he meant well for the students,but wat he said is hurting to students..then when i was eating todae, thaddeus call out for me..he said " hey, wat's ur name ah? ......aiya ur name veri hard to rememeber,i call u sandy in future.." i was like HUH? wat sandy? when did i have an english name de..yk was laughing at my new english name given,but seriously sandy doesnt suit me la..i am still used to ppl calling me qm though many at times ppl often mispronounced my name..
tat joey's friend is just reali irritating..i dun wan to reply him,isnt it obvious tat i dun wan to talk to him? hai~such simple logic also dun understand..i reali miss the time going out now cos at least still can chat with friends, in sch i hardly talk to anyone except yk and justin..my ger-friends hardly...duno why man?should i just resign to fate tat i shall be a loner til the end of this yr? (if i continues to stay on in sch) ..i miss my gd friends,the time spend with them and chit chatting..this class of mine duno why cant reali talk much..cant be generation gap wat cos i am onli 2 yrs older than them,so wat's the problem then??hai~~~so troubled over so many things..results will be a big blow to me if i cant get in...
just got back my maths test..scored the highest in class and i got A1..so happy man,but seriously i shouldnt too happy abt it cos afterall i am a repeat student and i have studied before, so supposedly should do better..so i think the basis of comparsion is unfair to them..if i have not studied before and i manage to get this grade then i will be happy..but seriously this time i didnt study reali hard for it, i onli spend like an hour flipping the notes and i went for the test..sometimes i think tat its better that i dun study too hard just like this suitation..previously i studied veri hard for the test and i didnt do well..is there justice in this world man?

~i reali woke up by a bad dream~

sigh~yesterday reali had a veri bad dream until i woke up, cos my hp alarm suddenly rang which means tat i need to wake up for sch le,else i can know how the story in my dreams will continue on ..the dream was abt me meeting A one day and eating dinner or lunch on a table..after which i want to go to the toilet for some reason and a veri weird thing happen in the toilet,cant remember wat is it all abt but its was reali terrifying.i rmb when i went out of the toilet, A was veri angry with me cos i made him waited for reali long and he didnt want to listen to my explaination cos he sae i am always like tat (always want ppl to wait for me for veri long)..so after tat i ran off cos i was veri sad over the unwillinglyness of him to listen to my explaination and the story stops over here cos tat alarm has woken me up..aiya tat stupid alarm wake me up at the wrong time,else i can know how my dream will go cos i am interested in the ending..kay yesterday joey's friend msg me out of the sudden for no reason..though i know he mean no harm cos joey sae so,but i reali find it pointless to chat with him when i dun even know who he is !! all i know tat he is joey's army friend..somehow it makes me feel like he is reali desperate for gers lah, else why msg a ger for no reason when u cant even remember her name and face..duno lah,just feel tat he is those bo liao ppl also..and not to sae tat those online guys are just reali desperate and brainless guys..to me they are reali CMI cos character also no gd,qualification also not high, brain also not smart..none of them are up to my expectation..not saying tat my expectation are high,in fact i feel tat its veri low liao,but i reali cant stand those bo liao ppl..

next up was i saw a veri "nice show" on the train when i was on my way to sch todae..i was sleeping halfway through and suddenly i open my eyes for a while and immediately i suddenly became veri awake cos i saw an interesting show..one ITE couple was kissing agressively and i was smiling away cos i think its reali a "Nice show"..i describe them as agressive kisser becos it seems tat they cant stop kissing de and the guy cant stop touching the ger's body..when i see tat,i was like Oh my god!! this is reali veri ashamed and shameful and u two are reali a disgrace to the sch when so many ppl are watching the two of ur kissing non stop..ok,when i look at the guy,he is super beng,ger looks super lian,so i think they make a perfect couple cos both of them are bengs and lians..seriously when i look at the guy,he not pei seh at all one loh..i was trying to hint him to stop wat he is doing now but it seems tat he dun care and continue with his agressive kissing..hai~such ppl are reali CMI..todae was also raining heavily,so i was late to sch...then just when i was walking to sch,i suddenly saw idol 2..i was amazed tat he was late too cos he supposely cant be late for sch..so i was walking behind him and he did turn round and he saw me..i thought he wanted to sae me why am i walking so slow cos i am already late for sch liao but he didnt..i think he also bo chap also cos one group of our sch guys were eating breakfast in the coffee shop and he said nothing when he saw it..so after a certain distance we were walking reali close to each other and later he asked a malay ger in front of us if she got bring umbrella and the ger said no..oh man,how i wish i could be the ger..haha..but too bad i got bring umbrella so cant have the privilege to share the super big umbrella with him..but i think he is quite a nice person,maybe quite helpful in time when ppl need help..one of my sch ger also share the umbrella with me cos she didnt bring hers and i agreed,so together we walk to sch together..
i reali cant stand waiting for the results to be out..i reali dun like the feeling of waiting for something for so long cos my heart cant stop probbing over it..now tat i got back the drive to study and i reali hope tat things can settle as fast as possible cos i dun like the feeling of roaming nowhere with no directions and aims..

~i think i look like an ah lian~

yesterday was supposed to end sch veri early but eventually i still decide to go home late to study for my chem test cos i know tat if i were to go home early then confirm i wont study..so i sat at the library to practise my chem tys mcqs..manage to finish 2 topics of the organic chem sections then later came the dicipline master chasing us to go for the CT period..actually initally i wanted to pon liao but no choice since he saw us then bo bian have to go for it..if i have remembered for it then i will go some place to hide to do my self study,better than going there zhuo bo and disrupting my drive when i am motivated to finish my mcqs...then yesterday so sway tat i saw the discipline master cos i thought tat i dun have much lesson so can slack abit in term of making my hair black..but duno he saw it or not cos he didnt sae anything..so i faster use a pin to pin to my hair up..but sometimes when he dun sae anything,in fact i will feel even guilty cos I feel tat i am abusing his trust towards me..seriously duno why when ppl dun even sae a thing,i will feel even guilty..and i think i reali look like an ah lian now in sch uniform cos my uniform already looks like an ITE student liao and plus with tat "golden hair" makes me feel reali worst..looks more like an ah lian now..even cm said tat when i told her tat i didnt redye bac my hair..but she sae tat wear outside clothes looks nice..haha..then yesterday nite was chatting with her cos she called me to complain abt the bus driver confiscating her bus pass claiming tat she should be using adult fare too..actually previously when i was working tat time i also encountered the same thing as her,just tat the bus driver didnt confiscate my bus pass and he let me off..he asked me to stop and he sae he wanted to look at my bus pass,duno for wat reason also,but i suspect tat he is thinking why am i still using children fare..
mum haven been giving me a gd time either this few days..she kept on nagging and scolding me for no reason and she keep insisting tat i need to play my piano first before i can do my homework..then i damn pissed off la..its none of her business which one i wan to do first,as long as i got play for her to listen can liao.but she is just unreasonable..tat's why this few days i dun wan to go home early cos i am veri fann whenever i get home..moreover the piano exam is coming reali soon in july..hai~~duno why i still feel tat i cant pass this time round..i still got alot of stuff duno and if i reali fail this time,my mum will confirm be veri angry with me cos she invested alot of money in it liao and failing will mean tat i am throwing and wasting all her money...hai~~why are life always full of troubles..
it seems tat lately i am reali super quiet,dun feel like talking also..i am still a loner in sch..i am usually alone cos of the same reason..sometimes hardly even talk to my classmates cos i cant find any common topics with them..

~the tiring weekend~

fri i went to buy some assessories, as usual...cos its on sale then i finally managed to find one identical ring tat i spoiled tat time and i was veri sad la cos its my favourite ring..but this time round,the ring is different colour..haha..then still bought one ear ring cos its super nice..initially dun wan to buy,but cant stand the temptation so eventually bought it since its cheap,but i didnt let my mum knows, else she will scold me for spending money on those rubbish things then will cut my allowance..
weekend finally did some homework liao after so many weeks..cos no choice must hand up and my math teacher is damn fierce lah, if i dun do his homework then i will be blacklisted..seriously i have been in sch for a month liao and i have yet done any of my math tutorials.if my teacher knows tat, he is going to kill me man cos he dun reali care abt me in class cos i take different syallabus from them ma,so he expect me to be initative in doing my tutorials on time..i guess i reali need to spend time on my math tutorials,else it will be hard to catch up liao..but the gd thing is tat i got do my physic and chem tutorial..so not too bad,at least i didnt do nothing and slack too much..but seriously tat maths homework tat he gave is just too much lah,i spend 2 days doing and have yet to finish,so no choice but last 5 questions i copied the ans in order to hand up to him on time..then sat my laptop came and broadband service was installed..seriously the laptop dun seems as cool as wat i thought,but never mind can use can le,anyway i cant reali complain so much cos i got it for a veri cheap price..seriously those stuff and cds tat the company gave me have not much use to me cos i dun reali know how to use them..i guess the security lock and all those expensive cds will be rotting at one corner of my house cos i dun even know wat is it use for..tat laptop of mine i reali treat it as my bao bei cos i spend lots of my own money to buy it de,so i will do lots of maintainace on it whenever i am free..somehow i am kana cheated when they told me tat the $70 was to upgrade to 512 ram..i thought the $70 was to upgrade the internet speed..and this fault partly belongs to my mum cos she duno abt comp then she anyhow tell me when the person asked her if i wan to upgrade or not..
sat i also read a news on newpapers and it saes tat SMU is taking students with minimum of ABB this yr..oh man, i am reali shocked when i see this and it leads me to think again tat do i still have a chance to go NTU..NUS can forget abt it cos i know i dun have chance de..hai~~they sae tat the earliest we can get the results is this week onwards,latest will be by end of may..i reali pray hard tat i can go in cos i filled up the discretionary section,which means tat they dun judge it on my grades to take me as their student..but i reali duno if tat mm competition can help me to go in,so i decided to give it a try..at least leaving blank for tat section which will mean even lesser hope..seriously tat await for the results reali made me ponder alot cos i cant wait to know the results regardless of is it bad or gd cos i dun like to wait for tat long just to know the results..i like things to be settled veri fast..seriously for now,i dun feel tat inferior anymore,i guess i have adapted to it le but the avoiding of teachers still persist..duno why also..tat time i was so scared tat i will bump into my chem teacher when i saw her so i decided to take another route..i am scared of her asking me why i am bac cos last yr i always never come to sch near A levels..but i didnt do tat bad for chem..in fact i am glad to have tat grade for chem cos at least i think tat grade is gd enough considering i always dun pass in sch..in remember i last min chiong for my chem by doing the whole of my chem tys for the organic chem section and i manage to do most the qns for organic chem..i am kind of disappointed of my maths and physics cos i expected to be a grade better..
i like mon the most cos i onli need to go for 2 lessons..so shiok,but tonite need to study for 2 tests..hai~sian..i guess i have picked up the habit of studying le..this weekend i have also been thinking wat should i do if i cant get in??hmm..mum is also worried..i guess everyone in my family is worried too..my brother confirm will have a place in NUS,but wat abt me??
todae i decided to pin up my fringe but it looks ugly,but no choice,in order not to kana caught,i have to do tat..i am lazy to spray the thing on my hair cos todae got gp test and i need to rush to sch..todae tat gp test will also fail too man..i have no idea and points to write since its been a long time since i last write an essay..hai~

~searching high and low for black spray~

yesterday went to search high and low for a black spray and i feel damn pissed cos actually the time i spent using to search for spray paints can be used to do my homework..so i spend like 2 hrs just to look for black spray paint at je cos its hard to find shops tat sell such stuff..and moreover when i saw the price,i feel tat its damn ex la..$7 just for one small one and its some ulu brand,those gd ones cost like $14 at wastons..eventually i feel tat its not worth it cos in the long run i will go broke if i spend all my money on hair sprays..so i walk to IMM instead..on my way there, there is a grp of guys trying to seek attention from me..actually from far i can see wat they are trying to do le,but i pretend not to see n continuewalking looking sideways while i am walking..actually their friends are trying to push this particular guy towards me and its damn obvious,but i pretend not to see..then later he said "hi" to me but i ignored him cos i just find him veri bo liao and moreover i also duno him,i dun see the reason why i should care abt such attention seeking ppl...furthermore tat time i was already veri pissed when i cant find a cheap black paint and i am frantically looking desperately for it and those group of guys pissed me off by their inapproperiate behaviour..anyway those group of guys are just reali veri ah beng..i am neither keen to make friends with them either..
so when i reach IMM,went to the dasio shop and yes i found a veri interesting thing..i saw something like mascara but its not mascara and its meant to be used for grey hair but i decided to use it on my hair since it can cover the coloured hair..i was so happy at tat time cos finally can find some hope for my hair le and moreover its cheap and can be use for long..but one bad thing when i applied it to my hair is tat it tend to stick all ur hair together and its make ur hair reali hard,just like some hard gel and makes ur hair reali unnatural and ugly..yes,i feel reali uneasy todae seeing my hair so "Flat" becos of tat special fluid on my hair..usually i will style my hair to have more volume,but with this i cant..but i reali looks weird with black hair,maybe i am not used to seeing my hair black..but never mind,once i wash off i will get to see my coloured hair again..but using such things reali need some time..i spend 5 mins to cover all the coloured hair and i didnt do it for my bac hair cos its not reali tat obvious..my fringe is damn obvious so i muz do something...yesterday i also bought a dress bac home cos its veri cheap man..now i must buy clothes whenever i see a sale cos otherwise i dun have clothes when i go uni..initally wanted to buy more,but i didnt cos partly no money liao and i know tat if i buy more,then mum will surely complain and nag at me for buying so much clothes..yesterday reach home quite late and mum was suspecting i am having a bf outside as usually..aiya watever man,i know i am innocent and wat i said was honest..if she dun believe then she can check all she wans..
weekend i got lots of stuff to do..got 2 tests next week...sian..and my broadband service is coming tml nite..so happy..

~i am damn pissed~

tues when i was going for lesson then suddenly saw my ex j1 gp tutor who is the discipline master,then i faster turn my way bac and took the longer route to class just to avoid him..but so sway tat he suddenly saw me becos somehow he took the same route as me..wanted to siam him again but its too late !! cos both of us are facing face to face and he has seen me..so i smiled to him and he sae "hi"..then he said "eh?? u are bac??" yup,i replied..i came bac just in case i cant go in..initally wanted to talk more,but i got math lesson so cant cos my math teacher is veri fierce and i dun dare to rovolt him..ya,he saw my hair then he smiled saying:"ur hair arh.."then i sae ok..actually i know myself wat he meant la..he wan me to do something to my hair..

i guess tat its heaven will tat he wants me to bump into ppl tat i wan to avoid..and its true..first was the discipline master..later was the principle..actually if he isnt the discipline master then i wouldnt want to avoid him cos he is reali a nice teacher,but too bad,he is a discipline master and i have break the sch rules,so i cant stay close to him..as for the principle she is also nice too..just tat i am too ashamed to face her,tat's why i choose to avoid her..so wed morning when i went to sch.she was standing at the walk way there cos i was late for sch,so i supposed she is there to "scold ppl" and some other purposes..but anyway i reali wanted to siam her but i cant cos i cant turn bac liao and its veri obvious if i do tat,so i hope tat she wont recognise me..but too bad,she reali recognised me and she smiled to me asking me how am i doing..so i told her tat i am bac just in case i cant go in..so she asked me wat grade i got,so i told her..she said tat there is still some chance for the courses tat i have chosen..hai~though its happy to hear tat,but eventually its NTU and NUS tat has the final decision to decide wether to take me as their student.i guess she reali close one eye to my hair cos i believe tat she did saw tat,just tat she didnt sae..she asked me why didnt i apply for SIM..then i told her tat i dun have the money to pay for the fees..even though i might be able to pay for the first sum,but how abt the subsequent ones? eventually i still cant continue studying if i cant pay for sch fees,at the end of the story,i will still be kick out..she said to me tat if i got any problems can find her..when i heard tat i find her reali nice,but rest assured tat i wont find her unless i reali desperate..students always find her naggy and boring,but actually she is reali a nice principle..i have been in this sch for slightly for more than 3 yrs,though she is naggy but she is kind at heart..then the discipline master came walking towards us then i was tinking oh shit ! i am supposed to do something abt my hair when he told me the day before,but i didnt do anything.so i pretended to be rushing for lessons since i was late then left him alone with the principle to talk..tat's was one lucky escape..

but my luck cant last tat long cos todae (thur) something reali bad happen..i was caught by the vice principle after assembly becos of my hair..i was damn pei seh man cos everyone nears me seems to heard it..teachers like mdm ho saw it then smile to me and i smile bac cos she knows tat i have gotton into trouble..most teachers know abt it and my gp teacher even ask me during lesson..oh man,tat's damn pei seh lah..so he asked me who is my tutor and i told him ms lim..but i duno wat's her full name so he said which ms lim..seriously i am damn blur la,come to sch for 1 month still duno wat's my teacher name..so my friend help me..when i walked out of the hall, every teachers who saw me look at me cos i am the onli student who leave the hall so early and somehow the look tat the teachers gave me was tat wat grave mistake have i done..so he summon me to my tutor then my tutor was shocked..but my tutor kept quiet when he speaks abt me..i reali feel bad and guilty tat my teacher got "Scolded" by him just becos of me..so i apologsize to my teacher for causing trouble for her..and i feel bad becos she speak up for me despite i am in the wrong when i have broken the sch rules..actually the vice prinicple demanded tat i sign the early leave form to go bac home redye bac my hair but i choose to ignored wat he said cos i just find him unreasonable and lame..so i told my teacher tat i am not going bac home cos i have lots of lesson to attend todae and i am not going to go bac home just becos of wat he ordered..so wat he is a vice principle..i dun give a damn to it..all i know tat i shouldnt skip class becos i have lots of stuff to catch up with..seriously i am damn pissed off and when i stepped into my class, my maths teacher asked me why am i late then i gave him the bu shuang tone sayin "the vice principle talked to me.."seriously tat time i was wrong to talk to him using tat tone but he didnt sae anything..i was just in a fit of anger tat i vent my anger when i spoke to him,so it was my mistake and i am sorry for tat..the whole of maths lesson i was just showing my black face and mind wasnt concentrating cos i am still angry over his unreasonable demand..so i reali wasted a maths lesson,though i am physically there,but my mind wasnt there just becos i am angry..seriously i am veri remoseful for giving my teacher so much trouble cos she is veri nice and yet i gave her so many problems..i am definitely not going to redye bac my hair cos it will cost more money but i will do something abt it in order not to get catch again..maybe i shall put black spray but in the long run my hair will be chemically damaged..hai~~tat vice principle is giving me so much problems..i am vexed abt my uni application results liao and he added more problems for me..fann ah !!!!!!!

my math test didnt do well also though i didnt fail,but i expect the grades to be better since i am repeating the sec time..so it leads me to question myself tat do i relai still want to continue on? cos i dun see my grades improving at all,there is onli slight or rather minimum improvement..hai~yesterday i was asking dad tat if i cant go in then how..he sae maybe continue on..mum stand is work and my stand is work too cos i reali find it pointless when i stay in sch and the sch teaches stuff tat are not reali impt to my syllabus but yet impt to their syllabus..at such i dun reali feel tat i benefit alot..esp subjects like chem..they cut short so many stuff and those impt things tat is in my syllabus are removed from their syllabus..like tat its reali hard for me to catch up..aiya i reali duno man,mind is still tat vexed..my brother for medicine and he cant get in even with 4 As..i dun understand wat they want wan man, i feel tat 4 As are reali gd enough liao but duno why he feels cant get in..yes,he was kinda sad cos he always hope to take medicine..but i guess he is end up in parmacy ba..seriously it leads me to think tat this yr competition is veri stiff given tat its a dragon yr and how am i going to go in with this kind of grades...hai~

~the talk with yi ping and bing xi~

yesterday (MON) is damn rubbish..i onli came to sch for 2 lessons,but end up onli go for one lesson cos the other lesson they are teaching stuff tat is not relevant to me..and the one lesson tat i went is like practically useless cos its not relevant to A results but rather as an enrichment..so practically it seems like mon i can no need come sch man..yesterday finished lesson at 11.30 but 1.30 then can leave sch cos its some sch rules tat i need to abide..initally need to report to my chem teacher to take attendance but i didnt cos i cant be bothered cos i also not taking practical and i dun wan to wait for tat lesson when i can go home already..so my chem tutor was like saying me not to abuse my previlages tat he has given me..aiya but i dun care la..he can sae all he wans cos all my classmates feel tat he is veri naggy and yes indeed he is naggy..then after tat went to northpt with yk to do eye check since its been a long time since i check my eye..after which went to walk around to northpt for a while.
initially i wanted to go home earlier to do my homework but it seems tat i have reali too much distraction preventing me from going home..reason as to why i said tat was becos i happened to see yi ping and bing xi on my way home and we started chatting for 2 hrs..we sat in subway and started chatting abt how we are doing now and friends around us..its seems tat every week i still see my friends no matter where i go..yi ping first reaction when she saw me was :"eh? why are u still wearing unifrom.." as usual i will tell ppl tat i am staying bac in sch just as a back up plan just in case uni dun takes me..she advised me not to repeat cos she feels tat its pointless..she said tat though she did worst than me and she choose not to repeat cos she knew tat A levels are getting harder and harder yr by yr.it reali seems tat all gers dun advised me to retake and guys wise encourage me to stay on..sigh..its such confusing man..then todae my tutor sae tat i need to pay the exam fees for A levels and its non refundable if we wan to withdraw last min..oh man,its a hard decision to make cos if i decides to withdraw then i will be wasting my 400 bucks and its alot !! then we started our conversation on relationships cos she was the one who started the topic..she was bugging me to tell her abt him and i was wondering how does she knows abt it when she dun even knows him..and i was rite to guess tat th told her abt it..then both of them tell me abt the problem between why things ended up like tat..and the reason is largely becos of my parents tat is stopping the relationship from progressing..yi ping is just worried abt me whether tat am i able to marry off my 40 or not cos my parents are veri strict when it comes to relationship..and duno why they kept laughing when i am telling my "story" but seriously i dun find it funny at all lah and moreover the way i sae it isnt funny at all loh...bing xi sae tat i am reali too naive liao and its hard to find ppl like me in today's society..haha,i laugh out when he commented tat..i duno its a gd or bad thing but i do know tat for now i dun care abt wether u are a gd catch or not but rather i am finding those innocent and long term relationship..but of cos if he is a gd catch then tat will be an added advantage lah..yi ping was told me tat she was reali shocked when she knew tat i got a bf in the past cos she thinks tat i will not have bf de given my pattern..haha, actually i also think so..i never thought of having a bf in my life though i like to see shuai ge..and she said tat given my character i will confirm bored guys off,so she sae i need to change my character when it comes to relationship and in a relationship,it shouldnt be a one way thing,but rather a two way thing..i always expect initiative from others when sometimes she feel tat i should take some initative too cos otherwise its hard to maintain a relationship..wat she sae is true and i feel tat indeed the talk with her and bing xi has relai made me learnt a lot from my past mistakes in the relationship.she sae i am too "stone" liao..and so she sae i need some change for tat too..haha,it seems tat i relai need a lot of changes man..but i will try if it is within my means.

~my 20th birthday~

fri i was damn sway lah, i saw the principle and i wanted to chiam,but i cant cos its too late cos she saw me le..she smiled at me so i smile bac..she must be thinking why i am still here..wa lao damn ashamed man..hai~and moreover i wanted to chiam her cos i dyed my hair..i thought she is going to comment on my hair,but she didnt..and tat day also saw the discipline master,he is also my gp teacher when i was in j1..i also chiam him cos i didnt wan him to know tat i am bac and moreover my hair is dyed..although he wont scold me,but its not nice lah..then the funny part is i ran as quickly as possible the moment i see him and when my classmates saw tat,they ran with me cos they are scared of kana caught for having short skirt..i am not reali scared abt getting caught by short skirt,but rather my hair colour is reali too obvious liao..and i realised tat the more u dun wan to see a person,then the more u will see the person..i have been avioding certain ppl,but yet i kept seeing them but those tat i wan to see,yet cant even see them..hai~heaven is making fun of me man..then fri i was reali bored lah,yk wasnt around again so i stayed bac in sch to do my homework cos i didnt wan to go home tat early..then i ended up sleeping again alone at the squash court..tat day was also parent meeting session with the teachers..my form teacher asked me if my parent wan to come or not,and i told her no..actually i forgot to tell my mum abt this and moreoveri dun think she is reali keen to come again cos she knows where i stand liao..or maybe she is reali tired of facing the teachers talking abt my problems..tat fri,came home did nothing cos i am reali tired liao..

sat went out with tanu to jp to chat and also celebrate my birthday too..went to pizza hut to eat..we ordered curry pizza and some drinks and soup..seriously the service tax and GST damn much lah, i can use tat amt to buy one bowl of noodles liao man..anyway i realised tat student and adult price reali got great difference man..how i wish i could be a student forever then i can pay lesser..anyway the concidence is tat me and tanu wore the same colour clothes when we didnt arrange before hand..after which went to the library to chat abt our current lives and friends around us..so tat nite came home also did nothing cos i am veri tired liao..it seems tat every weekend i am doing nothing man..hai~~
but sun i started doing my homework le..yup,started on my gp eassy..wa lao damn sian man..i reali feel damn sick when i do gp..duno why i hate doing gp so much tat i will sleep when doing it..then yesterday also went running cos its time i must exercise cos my fats reali accumulating liao and starting to have shan chen rou le at the tummy..and its looks ugly..seriously this yr my birthday is just somehow a normal day to me..or should i sae tat my birthday has always been like tat cos i never reali treat my birthday as my "big day"..anyway hope tat next yr will reali a grand one cos i am 21 next yr..will be an adult soon in 1 yr time..hai~its still long to my results are out..wonder how days will be man..i am relai veri sian waiting for so long..

~i will fail my test man ~

yesterday went home reali early,but i did nothing knowing tat i got a chem test to study on the day itself..duno why i kept falling asleep..then ended up like nothing goes into my head..i kept waking and sleeping at the same time..gosh man,i find it reali hard to go bac to the studying days when i am so piah..now, i am damn slack lah.
seriously i am damn lonely now man,always alone in sch de..yesterday still talk to ms lim when i saw her..she asked me if i got any friends now and i sae dun have cos usually i am alone..i find it hard to click with my classmates cos we have different timetable..but she said tat like tat i will be more independent..and yes indeed,i do feel tat i am more independent now,just like the time when i was working tat time..perhaps maybe i will be like wat maril tat used to sae.."through this experience u will become a stronger ger.."ms lim was reali shocked when she sees me in tat hair colour..she said"wa,this kind of hair,u still dare to come to sch ah??" i laughed..she say,trying to defy sch rules ah? aiya,i think all the teachers see tat liao,just tat they bo chap abt me..anyway weekend is coming..something to feel happy abt..seriously at times i feel happier when i dun think abt the troubles tat i have been thinking abt..hai~

~feel damn vexed now ~

wed talked to mdm ho in the canteen cos saw her mah,so decided to say a "hi" to her.i also feels tat staying bac isnt a benifical thing cos afterall the syallbus change alot..ya, true to sae tat..but i cant reali sae tat i didnt learn anything..i did learn something tat i didnt understand in the past..think i learn the most for phy,followed by chem and maths..for gp wise,i think i didnt reali learn anything..then she sae :" wa u dye your hair ah?dun let mr ganesh catch u.."haha.actually its damn obvious tat i dyed my hair,but so far no teacher reali sae me..so i reali had a hard time tying my coloured hair cos i wanted to make my coloured hair less ovbious..she also said tat i have gain weight..oh man,gers hate to hear this and i guess i have reali not exercised for long since i started sch cos i always pon pe rite from the time i enter sch..i think my pe dun even know tat i exist cos there is no name of mine in the attendance sheet..think its time i need to start running..yesterday also decided to stay bac sch to study cos i know tat if i dun do so, i confirm wont study when i reach home.moreover i got a chem test tml,and i know nuts abt it..so duno how also lah..think i will fail man..however,i ended up like sleeping in the library for an hour,after which saw liting then talk to her for like half an hour..so i was left with half an hour to study before the library closes...duno why yesterday so sleepy lah,slept during the gp lesson but luckily the teacher didnt realised tat..hai~~duno why i always tend to switch off during gp period..tat's reali bad..
lately so many job's agency called me up to ask me if i wan to work..suddenly i felt so tempted to work cos i relai feel veri sian studying in sch and moreover most of the time i stay in sch to rot..i think most of the uni are calling ppl for interview now and stuff like tat..i reali hope i will be called up so i always look into my hp veri frequently just in case they call me..
i am reali wondering tat is it tat once u are a failure,u are always labelled a failure no matter wat u do???and it reali seems to me like tat..cos my uncle looks down on me when my dad told him tat i am going bac to sch..he asked my dad to let me work and stop studying cos he said tat anyway i will be married..why study so hard when u are marrying off eventually..i dad was furious when he heard tat cos he feels tat no matter wat,he wans me to finish my univeristy education no matter no much will it cost for the fees..dad was always veri encouraging to me despite the fact tat i did disappoint him many times in the studies and music aspect..sometimes i reali feel tat he is my source of encouragement cos he never give up on me no matter no bad i did..he always give me the encouragement,which i am reali touched by it..at times i was so touched by it tat i started crying...i know tat my dad is pretty vexed over my uni application results and he is reali slimming quite a lot lately..i know tat he is planning how should i continue on with my next stage of life cos i am just stucked no where..sigh..i am equally vexed with my dad cos i am worried abt the application results..wat if i cant go in then wat should i do next??its seems reali hard to decide..i dun wan to make a decision and regret it for life...nothing can depicts how i feel now unless ppl have gone through it..i asked myself questions like,if i am reali given art and social sci,do i reali wan to study??i reali duno cos i feel its pointless studying tat when i have taken sci sujects since i was young,if i wanted to take arts,i might well stay in jj cos i was given a place in the art stream at tat point of time..hai~~damn vexed man..actually i reali hope i can get out of sch as soon as possisble cos i am reali sick of staying there liao..3 yrs is enough le..i dun wan to avoide the teachers liao cos i reali feel a hard time doing tat..i always avoid my econs teacher ever since i stepped into sch cos i reali dun like her when u commented on me when i was in j1..after tat time onwards, i dun like her..
my mum have an argument with my friend's mum..i think my mum is reali CMI given her character..think she like tat forever cant find a friend man..i am her daughter and i dun even side with her..so it just shows how bad she is..
my special day is upcoming,but i dun feel happy at all even though i am goin to be 20..duno why i no mood when it comes to such a happy occasion..hai~~wat i wan for this yr??i think everyone will know ba..i guess tat will be the greatest present liao..

~still cant convinced myself ~

yesterday finished sch damn early lah,12.30pm ended liao but i can onli leave sch at 1.30pm..my poor classmates ending lessons at 5,but i no need to go wat cos those lessons are none of my business..anyway since it was pretty early,so i decided to go shopping awhile cos i didnt want to go home tat early..so i went to JE entertainment centre and IMM there to walk walk..i was approached by those guys' selling tickets,still thought i will be spared by them cos i was wearing unifrom wat...i was veri shocked when the guy ask me if i can speak chinese or not..haha,thought alot of ppl sae i look cheena, of cos i know how to speak chinese la,if not tamil meh? anyway i reali hate it when ppl keep pestering u to buy when u dun wish to and they try all means to make u happy by calling u mei nu,or chio bu in other words..wa lao,such a lousy tatic lah,pls lah,those kinds of things dun work on me,instead it will make me more unwilling to buy from u..luckily those promoters from the banks didnt approach me cos i am wearing unifrom,else,previoiusly when i was working,all came appraoching me to tell me abt saving in their banks..anyway i am not interested la,i can save all i wan in my POSB bank..
anyway yesterday i received a msg from a particular friend of mine..though it was not those sweet messages,but somehow after seeing tat msg,it did made me smile just for tat particular moment cos i was reali touched by wat was written in the msg..somehow it did brighten up my day after seeing tat msg..i felt tat the msg was just sincere and encouraging,to the extent tat it makes me smile..anyway reali thanks for your concern =)..i will survive and fight the battle bravely de cos life is short ! yesterday i kept thinking abt the problem when i was walking in IMM,duno why..i did told myself tat i shouldnt think so much liao,but somehow i still cant convinced myself not to think abt it..i still cant get over the psychological part and proceed on..somehow coming to sch makes me feel reali upset,not like the past when i have friends around with me..my classmates are taking different combi from me,so it is hard for me to interact with them and moreover we hardly talk..this week,yk has gone for competition,so he cant be around to pei me,so i am just alone =(..i still need to endure for 3 weeks or so before i can make a decision..sigh..seems like this 3 weeks are reali hard to pass...wat can i do..i feel myself reali damn pathetic and kelian..everyone is enjoying their life now even those who did worst than me,but i am studying now..yesterday i saw my sch mate come bac sch,duno for wat reason, but she was giving me tat look, as to why i am in uniform..seriously i feel damn ashamed cos i have reali stayed in yj for 3 yrs liao..i reali cant stand staying in yj for another yr,though last time i did sae tat i didnt mind,but i realised tat it is actually not tat easy to overcome when u actually stepped into yj and start schooling again in tat sch..many things will come to surface..i guess i am reali a failure man..i guess no gers have repeat for 4 yrs de,maybe i am the first one cos i believe tat gers dun have tat much of courage to face tat..i am reali on the brink of giving up liao..
yesterday also walked past my flourist shop,actually wanted to go in there to talk to poey,but she not there so i decided not to go in liao..actually i reali miss working life cos its not tat stressful as studying..fri i got a test and i know nuts abt tat whole topics cos i forgot everything liao..oh man,duno how also..there is this mr A again who msg me, everything seems to be like him,the style of writing and name but different part is his surname..i chose not to reply him cos i dun wan to have any thing related wit A again..i dun wan to think abt the past again cos its not possible..

~the bugis temple~

thur was kinda of bored,initally tat day i was supposed to go out wit maril to NTU to visit yi hui's hostel,but i told her tat i canot make it cos i got sch..but actually after sch,its still early and i didnt reaslied tat til the end of the day cos i thought sch ends veri late.but i thought i cant be going to NTU with my yj uniform ba,cos i will be attracting a lot of attraction cos no one there wears a uniform.but i am lazy to go bac change.so just forget it la..anyway i always go there veri often when i am free..so i went shopping instead..haha..i think i cant change my habit liao..
fri was gd fri,yup,initally christine ask me if i wan to go her church for gathering,but i didnt go cos i wanted to catch up on my work..next was cm,she asked me if i wan go out for a dinner or lunch..but i also didnt go for the same reason..oh man,so many ppl are asking me out,but i dun have the time to do so..sometimes i am reali temptted to go out cos i am reali sick of studying liao..but i dun have a choice cos i forget everything liao,need more time to revise to refresh memory..but the irony is tat i still go out eventually even though i do stop myself from doing so..i went to bugis de temple to pray for the uni applications..who knows maybe i will have better chance of going in.i know i am supertitious but cant be help,sometimes desperate times need to do desperate things.the temple was filled with ppl cos its was the budda's birthday tat day..seriously its damn cramped..wanted to ask for lot,but cant cos too many ppl liao..there are lots of auntie and uncle over there,seldom have young ppl like me..anyway i still went there to buy my rasins and some stuff..i will always buy rasins whenever i go there cos its nice to eat as a junk food when u have nothing to eat..later also went to bugis there de village to shop awhile.then tat day was so qiao tat one singer,cai ming you was holding an autograph session..actually wanted to stay on to see him de,but my mum dun allow..i find him reali talented so i wanted to stay on to look at his real person..then came home during the late evening,was pretty tired to do anything and eventually i reali didnt do anything,including my homework..ended up feeling unwell suddenly,duno why also..got headache and stomach pain,so i slept the whole day..
somehow i feel tat i am veri shallow,everything also duno..i am an A levels student but i act like a pri sch child..how should i make myself gain more knowledge man..=( my english also so lousy,how i wish i could go abroad..like tat my english will confirm improved and maybe after i come bac got tat slang..wah,tat's cool man..i reali hope to be independent so i feel tat i am reali too over reliance on my parents liao..how i wish i could stay in hostel then i can learn to be independent..
sun was rushing to finish studying for my upcoming mon test cos i slept too much liao in the weekend..but eventually i didnt study finish for it so i just sat for the test..u finish damn fast for the test,stil got lots of time to look around..i duno if is it i duno i know to do or the paper is too easy,tat's why i finish so fast?? anyway results will show after i got it..
todae my laptop is coming tonite..shoik man..but i know nothing abt the internet connection..ask the technician if he is willing to come during the weekend but he sae canot..wa lao so mafan,ended up need to go home reali early todae just for him..i am just scared tat the ray will get my contact details cos he work in tat company..i pray hard tat he dun realised tat i am ordering a laptop from his company cos he is in charge of all the sales..

~some enlightenment~

yesterdaywas kinda bored,regardless of lesson or my day..everything was just veri stale, just like a piece of white bread..then after sch since it was still early,so i decided to take a walk in northpt since afterall its been a long time since i went there..then met up wit zr,actually i didnt saw him,but ended up he was the one who called for me..he talked alot on his stand on whether should i continue to stay in sch..he was persuading me until he no more saliva..haha..he is always so pessimistic,but i am not..he told me the reason as to why i didnt well for A levels..reason was becos i was too distracted..i spend most of my time getting distracted rather spending all my time on my studies..actually last time ms lim did told me before tat i should always stay focused,but i didnt bear it in mind..i listen already then forget cos i dun see the significant of bearing it in mind..now i truely understand wat she means after zr told me abt my problems and i will bear in mind this time and try to change..actually he is right to say tat i am always veri distracted cos i am always thinking of lots of things in my mind,he can even see through tat when i am walking,i am even thinking of stuff in my brain.duno why i always like to think alot of things,so it will be hard for me not to think of anything..sec reason was i too kpo abt other ppl's business liao..i cant even take care of myself,why still bother abt other ppl's business..so i shall in future,think nothing else except getting gd grades regardless of wether i am in uni or jc for now..i cant be distracted anymore !!! seriously there is still lots of psycology problems tat i need to overcome like my mentality tat 4 yrs in jc is reali a shamful thing and the hiding of my face whenever i see any teachers tat i knew,except a few tat i am closer to them..i still cant overcome the fact tat i am studying wit classmates tat are 2 yrs younger than me,cos i will find myself veri stupid..
my jc life has indeed give me lots of thinking space,as in i reali started to think abt how should i proceed in my next stage of life..though my jc mainly left bad memories for me,but somehow i did learn the meaning of stading up again from failure..though many at times i reali find myself a failure cos i cant succeed in watever i do,but it reali make me realised tat we shouldnt take things for granted and regret when its too late..for now,i guess i shall cast aside my troubles abt the problems and concentrate on my studies and continue to decide when the application results are out in early may..maybe tat time i shall see wat i should continue to do..for now,i know tat regardless of how much i think abt the problem,it wont help in anyway,so might well spend more time on other things..for this past 2 weeks in sch,i have indeed wasted lots of time thinking of tat problem,hopefully the days ahead will be a better one..and hopefully god will blessed me to go into uni..if i am reali desperate,maybe i will choose any course tat they are willing to take me..but i believe tat i will have a hard time studying..=(
my mum's friend told me tat i am going to have a hard time studying business if i were to take tat in private uni,but she didnt know i got take econs before..so my mum was kinda offended cos she feel tat she look down on me..so she sae tat i did take econs before and she was veri shocked.actually i knew before i am not those business type of person liao,so i am confirm not going into business line..thinking bac of my econs marks when i was in j1,its damn pathetic la..haha,i can still laugh at my marks cos its damn lousy..anyway todae have a cake to eat..so siong man..

~i am reali tired le~

i think gp lesson is damn rubbish la..they ask ppl from outside to teach us public speaking when i feel tat its not the time to learn such bo liao things at this point of time cos A levels dun emphasizes on our oral communication..anyway its like wasted paying $40 just to sit there to let ppl comment on ur speech..and tat presenter like sit there do nothing..wat the hell man,feel like my money is kana cheated..wa lao life is damn sian man..yesterday slept at 2.30am just to complete the maths homework again cos go home still need to play piano for exam..damn tired now..i reali feel like i cant cope anymore..so ended up like sleeping in lectures cos i seriously cant tahan liao..but luckily the teacher didnt caught me..haha..anyway i am reali angry with my maths teacher cos he always tell ppl things last min and i didnt receieved the msg during the weekend cos no one tell me..actually i am not reali close wit the class,so cant reali blame them for not passing the msg around to me..actually most of the time,i was around with my repeat friends..seriously i duno reali know much abt my classmates..all i know is they are damn hardworking,not like me..i tend to be forgetful this few days..got tests and homework also cant remeber to do.so ended up like not preparing for work before going to class..hai~i am damn tired now..the next few days still got lots of homework to catch up with..
mr wong saw me today when i was walking past the class,then he call me out to talk talk..he asked me how am i coping and asked me if i apply for uni le..he tinks tat i should stay on if i cant go uni regardless of how long did i took,so his stand was yes i should stay on..but duno leh,i feel tat its pointless cos no matter how many times i repeat cos i cant pass my gp..but still he was veri encouraging to me..something to be happy abt cos at this pt of time,i reali need some encouragement cos i reali look down on myself liao cos i feel tat i am a study idoit,meaning tat i am one tat isnt the study type..duno man,ppl took like 2 yrs to study jc and i need to study 4 yrs..wa lao might well i go sec sch and study..i got still 1.5 months more to know the application results..wa lao damn long man..duno i can tahan til tat day or not..yesterday yh also told me her stand tat she feels tat i shouldnt stay on..she feels tat i can work and study at the same time instead of wasting time in yj cos my results can actually go somewhere de,just tat i no money onli..its bad,but not those veri bad to tat extent..she also feels tat for a ger to take 4 yrs to study is just too long..unless guys,they still can afford it cos they still got army..hai~~such decision are reali hard to made..
todae finally saw my idol 1 and 2 at the same time,one after another..hmm..idol 1 did have some changes,at least dun wear the same old clothes liao cos he always wear the same colour shirt..idol 2 as usual, always so stylish..anyway i reali quiet in class man,dun reali talk at all,duno why also,but i dun get quiet when i talk to yk they all,maybe i reali duno them tat well,so cant reali talk much..

~the birthday celebration wit them~

fri went out wit my ex classmates for birthday gathering cos its joey birthday and viven's birthday..i dun know reali know viven reali tat well cos afterall we are not from the same class in the past..i went there for the sake of joey cos i think i reali owe him a favour for teaching me chemistry lasy yr when he is NS..yup,we went to ang mo kio hub there to eat fish and co..actually i knew tat the stuff is going to be ex right from the start cos i heard b4 tat fish and co are quite ex..but i didnt expect it to be paying $17 for a plate of fish and chip,plus the service charge all those rubbish la..but gd thing is tat the food taste nice la,else i will grumble for paying $!7 for not nice food..yup,sat there to talk abt some sch stuff..seriously the suggestion tat they gave was i shouldnt repeat cos they feel tat its pointless esp when the syllabus has changed and i should be takin the old syllabus for exam but yet i am going for lessons for the new syllabus..it sounds reali contridicting..they sae they would rather me to sign up as a private candidate and do my revision on my own rather than going sch to waste time.but they sae eventually its still up to me which choice i choose to decide..but seriously i have given a deep thought on it le,but i reali duno wat to do,cos i am point of junction where i wan to go on in life but i cant proceed on becos of some money problems.hai~~~seriously i dun understand why there must be so much problems to bother abt,cant life be just be easy just for once??? ok,enough abt tat..tat nite we also ate a black forest cake..its not cheap either..haha,$6 per slice..but never mind..lucky its nice...else i will reali complain..then cherry brought her bf along too..i was reali shocked when she brought her bf along cos initally i thought tat guy was her brother or uncle,but it came out to be her bf..i was thinking wat ppl will think abt the age gap,but i tink i am not in the position to comment abt it cos i was like her in the past..juz tat he looks much much more younger than her bf such tat ppl wont sae i am dating an old man..but one thing i dun like abt her bf is they shouldnt hanky panky cos they are in front of friends,so i feel tat to some extent they should try to behave and do watever u wan to do under private..
weekend i was reali nuah,didnt do much work as usual cos i dun have the mood to study..i was reali bugged by the problem as to should i continue to stay in sch or should i just quit sch and find something else to do cos i know tat no matter how many times i repeat i confirm wont pass my gp and phy wise,i cant have full confidence tat i can excel well cos physics qn are getting more challenging nowadays..whereas,maths and chem i still got some confidence,cos they are quite dead if u practise more.but its pointless cos afterall u are taking 3 subjects..sat i also went online to change my choices for NUS..i decide to choose art and social sci as my last choice and computing for my 7th choice,though i know nuts abt it..i just wan to get into the sch and decide wat to do if i can get in.actually joey was rite tat i should put art and social sci as one of my choice cos wit my results i cant reali choose wat i wan to study..so just try my luck..but why does everyone sae tat my results confirm can get into the art and social sci,when i fail gp..i thought go into tat faculty need to have gd gp??anyway its still hard to decide wat i wan for the time being..it seems tat everyone dun encourage me to repeat but on the other hand,i feel tat maybe repeating might probably change my future if i do well..yk kept asking me not to quit sch but i reali duno wat..imagine when everyday u onli come to sch for 2 lessons and the rest of the time u are just staying in library to go ur work cos the rest of it are not relevant to ur subjects..dun u find it pointless to come to sch at all??hai~~i reali duno,tat's why i am damn fann..
duno why i feel so happy when i see tat "RYAn" name cos i thought it was him,but end up it came out to be another person..haha,made me happy for nothing.still thought he will talk to me,but it came out to be other ppl..atcually i know tat i confirm dun have chance to talk to him de cos its hard becos of some gap differences..and moreover i think he is reali scared of me la..but i think i am not tat scary afterall wat..anyway my 20th birthday is coming reali soon..hai~~becoming 20 soon..seems like i am getting reali old..my wish for this yr is to get into local uni,then tat will be my greatest and wonderful present..i dun mind dying a few yrs earlier as long as i can get to see my future proceeding to wat i hope..maybe other things can wait..
hai~!i got lots of hw to do but i relai cant be bothered to finish cos i am relai tired of doing it le..