Tuesday, July 25, 2006

~hopefully i didnt i am not wrong abt him~

why do i feel as sad when its seems to be tat he seems to have forgotton me as a friend?hmm...reali hope tat at least he can still sae a hi to me instead of daoing me in msn..wanted to talk to him but i guess i shouldnt cos he has a gf so i shouldnt talk to him and pretending as if he has no gf..hm...never mind..nowadays they kept ga jiao me calling me mrs XXX and he is call mr XXX..seriously after those things happened, i veri pei seh to talk to him and face kept on blushing when its not the truth at all..and i know where my heart lies in, confirm not him, so reali hope tat they dun sae liao lah..now reali veri veri pei seh to talk and face him when sometimes i feel like laughing.never mind, just hope tat this shall end soon.
and past few days just saw my ex eye candy..tat time both of us are looking into each direction..feel like smiling to him but i didnt cos anyway he also duno me then smile liao ppl will think i siao..anyway first time see each other so close..
somehow i feel better now, the feeling of lost not tat much anymore..mon met up with them and somehow they enlightened me with a lot of things..actually i was veri grateful to him for spending 3 and the half hours with me teaching me things tat i duno..and not forgetting the gers also..anyway reali thanks..
prelim is abt 2 weeks time..reali scared..how arh, j2 work still canot make it..luckily my j1 work still can make it if not reali veri tough for me to catch up..tat's all for now..hopefully pray tat i can still hold on to myself and thrive harder..

Friday, July 21, 2006

~the quarrel~

i was rite..i knew tat was her when ms lim look at me..knew my mum too well le..anyway i was reali angry for wat she did..when i reach home i asked her..yesterday kept on crying and todae got swollen eyes..veri cham now..sigh..they are talking as if i reali canot make it de..seriously i myself have no confidence in this big battle..aiya its up to heaven le..just bless me and hope tat i do well..todae, seems to have a cheerful day to me..

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The feeling of very lost..

my blog has unknownlingly has music when the weird part is i duno even know how to insert music into my blog.and duno how come suddenly has jiang nara song in it..weird...
what am i gd at? haha..ans is daoing ppl.mr heng tat day was saying tat this ger doesnt seems to recognise me after i never teach her..i was down there smiling away..ya, i admit tat sometimes i do dao him cos duno wat should i sae to him..but this onli happens to some ppl onli..doesnt apply to all..ppl tat i got talk to, i will usually wont dao them..the minimum tat i will give them is a smile..seldom will i forget my friends faces, but names sometimes will..the mm guy was quite happy when i added him becos he thought tat all along i forgot him liao but atcually no lah..i was just pei seh to look at him in the past cos of wat they sae..so i pretended tat i duno him all along..sometimes just want to fake innocent tat i duno him..
tues was at giant shopping for bread..happen to saw zay ya so decided to sae a hi to him since he didnt saw me..yup, he changed alot, became a little matured after yrs od didnt see each other..somehow i feel tat he has became a totally different person..tat day it was nice of him to pei me walk the long route when his house is just nearby..
he said tat i have become more naughty..hmm..should i take it as a compliment??Haha..hmm..anyway i told him tat the past qm and the current qm are no longer the same..and the smart and hardworking qm no longer exist and the current qm is stupid and lazy..actually i myself do realised tat i have changed over the yr..somehow after the talk with him, i do feel the anxiety for the A levels..he is piahing veri hard now, i think tat i should reali start working hard now..slightly 3 more months to A levels and less than 1 month to prelim..and everything shall be over ..nobody could actually believe tat i actually retained when in the past in sec sch, i was the top few stduents in calss..but we are both the same, play too much and didnt study tat why retained..
he even has a driving licence now and he was asking me if i have one..hmm..i shall consider if i want to have one after my A levels..seriously i got lot of things to fo after my A levels..
got bac my results slip recently..bad until duno like some shit..seriously i got too much things to start with until i duno where should i start from..sigh..the next few months will be a tough period of me to go through..mum was more and more worried day by day and she was saying tat i must be mentally prepared tat i canot go uni and be prepared tat i need to go a private uni..sigh..i kept quiet..seriously currently i am undergoing alot of stress when u feel tat alot of things u still duno..the feeling of being lost in a big sea is indeed a difficult task tat i need to overcome now..sigh...work is getting more day by day.. and i can hardly finished when most of the time i am veri tired after reaching home..sigh..ms lim sae tat sometimes its gd to let go and not to hold on too tightly..but somehow letting go abit do makes me feel a bit guilty when i am thinking tat i have so much hw to work and yet i am still using the comp..

Friday, July 14, 2006

~the lousiest and attitude teacher i ever seen~

if u like him, just let him go and u shall just watch him secretly and pray tat everything for him will be going smoothly..yes, i shall just do tat, but heart wise not ready to let go though time has past veri long..had the sec sexually edu, someone sae tat luv is abt being there for another..somehow it sounds veri familiar to me cos he did sae this once b4..likewise the video clip also mention something tat he once sae b4..i was wondering does adults think alike>?how come their thoughts just seems to be the same..hmm..anyway among all the guys i like b4, i guess he is the one whom i have the greatest feeling for..the rest didnt reali have much chance to know them better as a whole..maybe tat explains why heart still not ready to let go..
seriously i never seen such attitude teacher b4..initally i still pity him for being handicapped but later i changed my mind..in fact, i think he deserve it..he sae me until duno like wat..even yh who was down there was angry with wat he sae and he is just being unreasonable and showing me attitude..kay FINE, i wont argue with him since he is a teacher and i shall give him some respect..initally i reali want to cry liao cos he sae me until like some downgraded shit..kay, i didnt retaliate and just sat down there quietly..yh sae tat i should have sae bac instead of keeping quiet becos he is just unreasonable plus it just shows tat i am someone nice to bully..he asked me to hurry the person to send me the income tax slip for 2006 when it is a govt thing and he is saeing as if my dad is the one in charge of the income tax, which something can be hurried..i just feel tat he is just being unreasonable plus he is not fit to be a teacher when his attitude is so bad towards students..no wonder so many students dun like him..the angriest part is tat i made every effort to search for him everyday when everytime he is not around and he saes tat i didnt even bother to look for him..
friendship between us has somehow became further and further away..duno why either..but somehow became closer to the 2 guys. at least we talk more to them now, and got share more things abt one another now..
todae look for mdm ho to talk..wanted her to move me and yh out of her class and she agreed but the head saes canot so bo bian must stay in her class for the rest of 4 months..sigh..duno leh, i just want to get out of her class cos somehow i feel we have different frequency and watever she saes i also dun understand..sigh..wat am i going to do..she said something like for my case, the most i can get is D or E..then she added tat if i work super hard now then the most i can get is C..sigh..was veri hurt when i heard tat..going to cry le, but never..
later in the afternoon went to chat with ms lim..ya she is the nicest teacher i ever seen..talk abt our inner feelings now..somehow both of us cried when we are talking halfway through..duno leh, somehow i feel my heart veri tight..need to release some tension by crying..its been long since i last cry..maybe i need to do some reflections of myself..

Sunday, July 09, 2006

~the disappointment~

i am a little disappointed with A, dun know why either, maybe i expect more from him..i am not exactly sad either..though i did sae b4 tat i hope tat A will be happy, so no matter wat the decision is, i will respect A 's decision..maybe i am too young to understand why such decisions were made, but i guess A has his reason for doing so.

Friday, July 07, 2006

~my greatest worry~

holiday veri sian..the whole day onli does is mugging and going out to find food to eat..mum friend sae tat i often keep every thing inside myself and i seldom express how i feel for others int the sense of care and concern..duno why tat's why me..asking me to sae the 3 words to a guy takes me a lot of courage and i reali duno how to express my feelings to other in terms of actions..she gave me an anology tat if i am married in future and i dun express how i feel for husband then he wont know wat i am thinking and how i feel for him..then many disaster things will start to happen..ppl close to me will know how i think but ppl who arent close with me seldom will know wat i am thinking..i always take it tat ppl will understand how i feel for them without expressing much and probably this is one of the weakness in me..
this yr world cup didnt watch at all but staying in HDB flats reali make me feel the atmosphere cos i could hear clearly ppl shouting and screaming jusy opp my block when a goal was scored..4 yrs bac i did watch world cup cos tat time my previous eye candy likes italy so i just watch and he likes a song by westlife..even up to now, i still like tat song veri much..
duno nowadays wat's wrong with mum cos she often ask me if any guy likes me cos her friend's daughter has a rich guy jioing her..i was thinking even have also wont tell u..as if telling u will give me any benefit.aiya, anyway also dun have..so also have nothing to tell..but if in future have maybe will tell, provided tat i have gradauted cos i also dun wan to play hide and seek with my parents again..and i want to have an open relationship..sigh..it seems tat wat happens in the dream can ever happen..
this holiday study until super late until got dark rings and eye bag..ya, its so ugly..even my brother said tat..one of the days i stayed up to 6 am and pratically tat day i was just veri tired..exam week onli sleep like 4 hrs, 3 hrs and 2 hrs each day..lots of ppl sae i look veri stressed..do i?hmm..maybe i am just veri veri tired..
friends around me has changed a lot esp my graduated friends..many of them have working experience whereas i am still studying..nevertheless, this doesnt pose much barrier in any communication between my friends and i but somehow i do feel so gap difference but its not veri crucial here..we still talk tat much,,wee ping became totally different person, in fact prettier now..the princess look veri different due to the rebonded hair..tat day they came bac and talk to ganesh and i went in the room with them to chat..he also sae i look veri stressed..hmm..its seems tat my face has written the word "stressed"..anyway in the conversation came to know tat teaching young kids reali sucks becos they cant behave themselves..so i guess i will never want to be a teacher becos i know tat i cant discipline kids..ms lim is also veri nice teacher, so far the warmest teacher tat i ever seen..she can be a veri friend to approach to..anyway which guy gets her reali veri lucky and forunate..
last week class outing was pretty sian for me cos i didnt ice skate partly becos i am scared of falling and i has a bad experience when i was young..i am also veri gu gu in playing pool cos i cant even hold the stick properly..gave up half cos its just too difficult..i am also not gd at playing arcade either..anyway THIS guy looks veri cute to me..hehe..and now i know tat guys like to see and talk abt chio bu in their every conversation..even young mei mei also not spared..somehow i think tat guys and gers have different views on "Chio"..
seriously i think my brother is the louiest person cos he read my msg again..this time he sae tat i got a bf again..wat the hell this is ridiculous..he concluded tat just based on those few msg..obviously i was angry becos i am innocent and wat he saes isnt truw at all..mum was down there when we are arguing but she didnt sae anything and i told her tat this yr is my A level and i wont want to have a relationship..seriously everything is just a misunderstanding, i dun wish such things to affect the friendship bewtween us..in all, we are just friends and nothing else..sometimes i think my brother is a crafty person and always want to harm me and he always sae tat i harm him when this never cross my mind at all..though he is veri smart but i still think tat he is still a failure cos the basic manners also dun have..he always think he is veir clever but no one will succed forever..there will be a day when i will fall badly..marked my words..
i reali hate it when my house comp spoil becos i had to carry it down to bukit timah to service it..wat makes me more angry is tat whenever he play with the comp, it always spoil after tat..and he still dun wan to admit it..worst still tat sat, he rather go out with his friends than to help me carry down to the centre to service it when he is the one who sopil the comp..obviously it wasnt easy for a ger to carry such heavy stuff without someone to help and my bac became veri pain after tat day..luckily one guy volunteer to help me carry it to the main road while i call a cab..anyway i was reali pei seh to trouble him..the taxi driver also veri nice, ask me if i wan his help..tat time suddenly felt so forunate and lucky to have ppl to help me..maybe they think tat i am just a young ger and have to carry such heavy things, abit taxing for me..
sometimes i think tat wearing sch uni is a gd thing becos at leasy u wont get pestered by those promotors..wanted to siam tat guy but canot cos too many liao..my first rxn was "argh..sian..kay, never mind, i entertain him for a few mins and watever i reply tat he hopes to get from me, i all give him the opp ans..eventually i think he canot do anything with me and iw as freed..i gave him a polite smile after tat cos i no need to entertain him anymore..
recently just bought a bluetooth adaptor and a mouse shich is veri veri chio at sim lim..but so sway tat the mouse happen to be a bad one, so veri ma fan must go bac to change..
tues had sex edu, the lesson wasnt veri interesting becos of the wat it was conducted..duin understand why gers and guys must be separated either...the topic was abt intimacy and how far should it go..from the gers pt of view, they should always sae a no but many at times, values are often thrown out of the wondow though one might know tat its wrong..lust is something often seen in guys and many at times relationship dun last just by basing on physical apperances..if u were to ask wats luv?adults ans would usually be abt luv being a commitment..thought the word committment sound abit vague to young adults like us but i do understand abit of it..from wat was the feedbac given, gers wan to have respect and dignity from their bf..to me, i am neutral to it cos i believe guys would feel likewise also..guys should be responsible for wat they do and this is part of the moral values..runnning aways and avoiding the problem just shows tat one is irreponsible..one interesting qn tat was posed is tat why relationship start to turn stale after sometime?some interesting ans given is tat "u are not creative enough to add colours to ur relationship.."it seems tat creatibe has alot of hidden meaning in it..haha..
got bac the test results..seriously its super super bad..actually i do feel abit sad abt it..but there is nothing i can do either..just to tell myself tat i must buck up..prelim is reali coming round the corner in abt 1 month..seriously its veri fast..greatest worry for now i stat i am not able to do well in A levels..j2 stuff is in a mess..sigh..mood is getting worst day by day..everyday seems like a sad day to me..somehow i feel tat i am now veri hopeless, just like falling deep into a well and not able to get out of tat obstacle..mum is pretty worried abt my results..becos all failed..but ya, she didnt scold me..sometimes it seems to me tat everything is like the end of the world when things dun go smoothly..yh sad tat i dun look worried at all and i look bo chap when she is veri worried abt her results now cos i always smile and i dun seems sad at all..mum also said tat..its not i bo chap..i am just..though i still smile, actually inside me, i am veri worried cos i am scared history will repeat itself again..sometimesi hope i can find someone to talk to and perhaps someone who undstand wat i am going through..at least i dun need to kepp everything inside my heart,,thought crying at times do help abit but still heart still feels as if there is alot of unsaid things..dad is going to talk to me tonite abt my future..seriously i am veri uncertain abt my future..duno where am i heading to also..sigh..