~3 weeks have gone and my eyes are still swollen and bruised~

            last 2 week came back work after a long 2 weeks break..actually i could have extended my hospitalization leave because my eyes have yet ok but i am coming back for the sake of many follow up since my partner has left and i need to prepare for the teaching the following week. Another reason is because i wanted to go for his sharing..yes i did miss the voices  and the laughter at work and also talking to him either virtually or face to face..

                 when i came back on 9th sept which was a tues, everyone gave me that look haha.everyone gave the same comments..wow your eyes have became bigger but oh well my eyes are still very very swollen and eyes still look like kana punch in a way even up to now.really wonder when will it goes off because it makes me look really sick and tired looking. when i first stepped into workplace, felt kinda lost as things seems to have changed over the past 2 weeks when i wasnt around. Many new colleagues were recruited and changes were made at lot at workplace.didnt have chance to meet up with him on tues when i was back, so wed was quite qiao to met up with him at the kopitam but we pretended not to know each other as usual haha cos my colleagues are around. well that day i did enjoyed the sharing he had..somehow got closer to his bff thanks to him..at the sharing his bff teased me then i smile smile and walked away. well pretty enjoyed his sharing and his stage presence..didnt want to be too close to him as i am not supposed to even know him that well since we belongs to two different worlds and league..

               the worst part is when i tried forgetting his presence at work but it doesnt work !! coming to work just makes me wonders what's he busy with..for his level, he is never free for kopi neither is he free for any breaks because every min counts...but why does he still occasionally talk to me like once a wk?? haiz like that keep stirring my heart ;( i tried not to talk to him for a reason but it doesnt help if he keeps coming to talk to me. and the most jialat part is 2 of my colleagues seen him "MSN" me cos they were using my laptop...my first reaction was "shit" !! why of all time he msn me when my colleagues are using my laptop..since they already know that we do chat, of cos they will KPO ask this and that but obviously i didnt say anything much..just let them tease lo..

             last thur this temp guy pei me for dinner..actually i am pretty certain that he has a crush on me..but i choose to act blur cos dun want hurt people. He obviously know i have a bf but still choose to have a crush on me lol..oh well, sometimes liking someone cant be controlled either cos i know that feeling..even you know that there wouldnt be any happy ending, you will still unknownlying fall for someone if the person is nice to you..i think i treat this temp guy pretty nice compared to other perms but yeah its my personality..i treat everyone equally.. anw still wanna thank him for the "welcome back to work" atas chocolate..lol my colleagues saw and was teasing me if they could eat the chocolates from my admirer..


            last fri had a company movie team bonding..movie wise was good but unforunately didnt get to network and know more people before i leave. Sat was good as finally got time on weekends with dear. Went for dim sum feast at tung lok and after that went for hair cut and some atas fine dinning. The day was fruitful..i guess i need find more time with dear to clear my mind..still thought i straightened my thoughts but after i came back looks like isnt it that case.

         few days back on friday went for a wedding and everyone gave me the same comments..they say eug beat me isit? lol my eyes look like kana punch...sianz ...yeah indeed i am quite affected by my eyes now so really no mood to go for meet up cos everyone ask me the same thing and i cant put on make up that much either cos my eyes haven ok yet..

         its been 3 weeks and this week will be the 4th week liao...why arent my eyes bruises recovering yet :( i miss my small eyes last time cos at least its not as ugly as now..tmr i am going hospital to ask abt why my eyes arent recovering much..so sad really..i am kinda vain kind thus really mindful towards my face and eyes :(

         and dear mr guy you are so near yet so far, pls stay at where you are...dun come any nearer to me anymore..dun stir my heart anymore..

my life is so depressed and screwed

I am really feeling very down now. Cant expressed how depressed and sad I am over many comments from work and relationship.. whenever I am feeling very down, pending down my thoughts on my blog seems to be the alternative solution to make me feels better. These two days have been crying over many things although I am technically on hospitalization for 2 weeks..Although I am on leave, I am still concerned abt the progress of my work because afterall my partner is leaving and I have lots of handover stuff which I need to take care of.. having heard negative feedback from colleague that boss not very happy with me and parnter but I really duno where have I gone wrong apart from not really able to teach as good as NIE teachers..please enlighten me because I am really concerned over this..i am just sad cos I feel that my reputation has been ruined just becos my partner and I cant work well with each other..actually I am a super easy going person…but I duno why my work life is always full of obstacles to challenge me de..previous job got this hao lian arab lady whom I have to worked with and she got really bitchy and controlling..worst til she is younger than me and so disrespectful..this partner of mine is the same too.never respected me and always give me that attitude..seriously why is my life so screwed one?? I am really tired le..why cant my life always be smooth sailing..why must I always look for jobs after a yr?? I really wanna continue on but partly teaching really nt my interest and boss mention some ppl wouldn’t be recontracted and I can forsee that I belong to that list..every of my peers are already earning so much $$ but why am I still stuck at peanuts money…I just feel so depressed and demoralised…sometimes put in effort in doing things but people wont appreciate. I AM JUST TIRED OVER THIS… and its hard not to be affected by comments from colleagues..bff is nice to inform me a lot things so that I can be prepared under the worst circumstances…I am really thankful to him for that..but why do some people just so bo liao everything also wanna complain really…However before you complain, can you please do self reflection on yourself? Why are you always alone and why other people cant click along with you? I am really tired facing her already so afterall its good that she is resigning for heaven sake..finally no need see her black face and attitude..To me working as a team is important..no matter how capable you are, if you think so highly of yourself then you shouldn’t be an educator..just go apply for a higher rank post.

 

           And I am really glad that throughout this operation period I have nice colleagues who even text me all the best for my operation..felt so touched…both bff are nice too, thank you bff for being part of my life in scs.

          And yea talking about the eye operation, it was damn scary..had probably 7-8 staff including a few doctors in the operation room. I was half awake, not even drowsy at all when the operation was carried out..first half of the operation I was slightly sleepy so the pain wasn’t so acute when the surgeons operate on me..however once they operate on the second eye, the anesthetic apparently seems to die off and the pain was so bad..i can even sense the stitching and slitting of your lids..yes its that scary…this will be my first and last time doing eye lid operation..no more next time because it’s a night mare operation..sian part is after operation my eyes are so swollen and got blue black…really duno when all these will be gone because its almost two weeks and I needa go back work liao….cant possibly face my colleagues with an eye that looked like being punched…;( and yes during that one week, it was a super tough week for me..i had stomach flu which I didn’t realise til my fever doesn’t seems to gone down for a couple of days..still thought it was the post surgery effect but nope it wasn’t..i gotten the virus from dad..quite suay la cos alrdy eye so pain liao still need endure stomach pain, puke and high fever..that week was really horrible max !

                   Today was feeling damn sad over the quarrel with dear outside..yes I did cry a lot duno why..just feel that everything that is unhappy just came one shot to attack me and I do feel very vulnerable now..work not going well and relationship also seems to have problems. All cant seems to find solutions to them so what should I do leh??? i have been asking myself if we are compatible? We do not have any common interests, neither we share the same thinking, why are we even together leh?? and why is my love for you not as deep and strong as what I used to had when I was in uni? Could it be other factors that changed my heart? Cant be what…I have no interest in married man neither in any single man…initially I thought it was that problem but recently I asked myself again and I am very certained that I didn’t like any guy…Where does the problem lies in? problem lies in you or me?? Marriage is for life..i duno if you will be the last one for now but if you ask me 3 yrs back when I was in uni, my ans is a definite yes that I see you as my last bf, but now my ans is uncertain and I duno.. I wanna be myself and just like a leopard who cant really change its spot, it applies to even my habits and character..i am tired of changing for you..shouldnt you be accommodating rather than trying to change me into your ideal women that you always wanted in your heart?relationship is about accommodating not changing a person..;( today felt so heart pain that my childhood money that I have been earning hard has all gone out to pay for the flat..i shall tell myself that 11k will not be the deciding factor for everything because married is for life..i want to get out of this current unhappy house but I also want myself to be happy in a new environment if not really no point also…I am tired of crying already.. ;( this will be my last write off before I go off for sleep..hopefully tmr when I wake up I will feel better…thank you my nicest gf for being so concerned for me..never felt so touched ;) so blessed having you as my good friend..

~life not exactly happening for now~

              life really is full of ups and down. many weeks back was a period of boredness cos first BFF rarely see him also now that we posted to different schs..second BFF was out to china that time so coming back workplace was pretty sian and lonely for me. So manage to find some other people to lunch with me. Got closer to them for a wk or two until we recently moved to our new building..when sec bff came back tried talking to him but he seems very busy so oh well i didnt disturb and talk much to him until recently he chatted with me again..He say he is very busy even after he came back..well, i understand cos we have far different roles. In fact he is under management and i am just an educator..so defintely i am less busy though..when he talked to me, felt that things are less bored somehow cos after our move to an isolated building i felt pretty sad cos i feel isolated from the rest of the staff.totally duno whats going on and i feel so far from them..even wanna ask people for lunch also so hard now cos totally no chance to meet each other unless we text each other.. then fri was like a pre celebration for NDP..he is the organizer and jio some staff along for a lunch dim sum..somehow i felt the lunch was pretty good because at least i got to mingle around with other staff. But i do feel weird being the educator there cos honestly speaking not much educator would have a chance to these people..but well, becos of his rank the people he mingle around are them so i just join along lo..and to feel less weird i ask my colleague to join along too so i wont feel left out.i dun want people to have the idea that i am the special one who get invited..but he really dun dare about how people thinks but i care of how people thinks becos tt time already kana one time liao when the other colleague shocked when i am invited for the lunch..

        Anw i going for an eye surgery operation soon in 2 weeks time..feel really scared though because i duno how will i look like after the op. The after effect will be having double eye lid so in fact it sounds like a plastic surgery for the eye, but yeah actually to be accurate its the folding of the eyelid upwards..actually dun really want to do this operation one but no choice ;( i dun like to do anything related to eye becos its so scary..i scared my vision will be gone after the ops which is unlikely though..but still imagine ur eyes will be under so many knives and injections how can i not feel scared :(

         BTW i really hope he dun stir my heart again..whenever i stay away from him, he comes talking to me occasionally..and recently different guys just come talking to me..duno why always are the guys talking to me and not females ! But nevertheless i feel comfortable with the guys so i dun mind because talking to them makes me less bored. Life is so sian liao really need some entertainment man..

i was awake by this scary nightmare that i dreamt between him and me

         

            Last weekend was a fruitful fun weekend with dear becos we finally went JB after so many months. However the main reason that i wanted to go JB is becos my spects broke while I was teaching L sianz but anyway I did my spects over there and manage to collect on the spot. That’s really awesome ! and the good thing is its cheap J After which we had an awesome dim sum in KSL and dear left to help out his friend with the wedding proposal while I continue my shopping in city square. That marks my wonderful weekend with shopping and eating...

            And now I have two schools to teach now sianz. But lucky one sch is co-teach so no need prepare much for lesson. And this week while I was teaching the technical class, some students ask if I am ang mo cos they say I speak with a slang..diaoz do my skin and face look ang mo?? Then the students say my English not bad..lol I smile cos duno what to reply. But I seriously duno where I get the slang from really…BFF ask me the same qn that time too..i myself dun even realised that I speak with a slang until someone tells me. But anyway these students really makes me vomit blood. I am very certain after this job I wont want to be a full time teacher..The pay seriously not worth...

          And today I was woke up at 8am by a super shocking weird dream..I was so shocked that it totally wake me up immediately when today was supposed to be weekend..it concerns BFF haiz…I hope it wont happen cos under such situation if the dream really came true I wouldn’t know what to react..what I am scared of is most of the dream that I dreamt of always come true ! Although my heart has 50% of wanting that to happen, but I must tell myself that I must draw line. Our friendship can only stop at BFF and nothing more. At times I really wonder his occasional texting with me, does it means that he is bored or could it becos its been quite some time since I last talk to him..Sometimes I just dun wan take the initiative to talk to him although I kinda free and wanna find people to talk to for entertainment. I just wanna drift away from him because this man stirs my heart L I not sure if I enjoy his company or I just find him attractive. Either that the second reason should not be coming out from me because I am attached…oh well, this dream really scared me off. Somehow duno why I have affinity with him..same month bday and he share almost the same name as my brother..perhaps in our previous lives, he could be my older brother…if not why everything is so similar with my brother now…

Feeling empty lately ~~

Its been almost a month since I last blog. I am finding my blog to let out this time because heart feels kinda empty…not sure why too..perhaps time spend with bf is really little..either he is busy with work or just too tired to meet up..the quality time spend is not there..not that I am blaming him or what, but heart just feels really empty..and during this period when my heart was empty, this man came along and became my entertainment everyday to that extend that he somewhat became my BFF..But i must distance away from him now because he is married and I cant be too closed with him..But why he always must appear constantly in front of me and stir my heart..i am confused if he likes me or he just likes being around with me…I did ask him why he is willing to reveal his “outside ” face and personality to me, whereas not to other people and I got an open ended answer which couldn’t clarify my doubt. Everything seems so unclear and because he is married makes things worst..He cant fall for me although his actions seem really like it initially. Now maybe slightly better but still sometimes give people the wrong thinking..Oh well, actually I kind of enjoy his company although I never thought he will reveal his other side personality to me.. He is someone that has no airs, rich, charismatic and good looking..In fact he is the man that every ladies who like to marry to..Scholar, come from top 3 university worldwide, humble and smart, tall like model, please which girls dun want. Practically every ladies admire him even the malay and indian ethnics group. This just shows how popular he is.. So actually I feel really honoured that he took the first step to talk to me cos I will never talk to him becos I am just too scared and shy…Well, what I wanna say is please dun keep appearing in front of me becos your presence will stir my heart ;( I have a bf and he is married already so nothing will happen.. I have another BFF too but sticking around with him, the feeling is different from BFF..This man just gives a different feeling to my heart.I wont break dear’s heart because he is important to me..Similarly I wont break people’s marriage and be a third party. Well, that’s is my rule number 1 and I will still abide to it. But one thing for certain is, both of us admire each other and can click along very well. He is my ex age and becos I used to have have an ex of his age so roughly I know how he thinks. If he is not married and I am single I will probably go for it but then i still have some concerns too after having used to date a guy who used to be 8 yrs older than me, but oh well, nice charming guys are always taken very fast so too bad..dear dear not too bad also actually. I still prefer a nice heart over looks . Although BFF is very charismatic and good looking, but he is married and i dun like the fact that he has many many female admirers because it will makes me insecure... Duno why all of the men that I hang out with, only he has that weird sparks with me.  The rest of the men are just buddies who jokes and talk rubbish openly with no special feelings, but this man is just special…I kept on asking myself if I got that weird sparks for him, could it becos he is good looking?? Hmmm or maybe i just eye candy him only. Sigh i also duno :(

Oh well, during this 3 months also got other married man keep talking to me and he seems to show a little interest in me, but somehow I am not really keen talking to him because he seems sooooo bored unlike this BFF. This BFF more entertaining and engaging and more fun to hang out with. So after a while, this man kind of get the hint and everything died off. He no longer talks to me now :( weird guy zzz.. i am ok with talking to him but dun give me cold shoulder la. I really duno where have i done wrong that you must give me cold shoulder..last time you are so friendly but now so cold :( felt like losing a friend..hai~

 And I really duno why married men always like to talk to me one..although I can click well with guys, but I always tell myself that there must be a line drawn between married guys and singles..So what I wanna say is : pls dun stir my heart anymore because my heart is empty now and I am confused !! Perhaps i really need spend more time with my dear dear to fill up that empty heart so i will feel better..

But something that I am happy to know is that my market value is not too bad haha.i attract people of all ages so its something that I should be proud and happy of :) And i am really sorry for saying hurtful words to dear because i told him my true feelings deep in my heart. I hope to salvage my empty heart only. My purpose is not hurt him because i really want to do something to our relationship.

 Work so far has been taxing..weekend also need to work to prepare for lessons L I feel machiam like teacher really no life.actually really wanted to look for a better higher paying job, but I am kind of attached to this place so a bit bu se de leave ;( I love working in a young and fun environment, unlike my previous company which I do not feel any sense of belonging to the company itself. Actually i kind of like hanging around with some of my malay colleagues..some of them are joker but some arent really that nice, can be irritable and makes your life really pissed. But generally overall its still not too bad.

I should perhaps start thinking of my career path now. i cant forever stuck under this line although i kind of love working here compared to my previous job. Its a fun environment indeed.

 

lost for a month and i am here for updates again !

actually i dont really remember what am i busy with in the whole of May..but work load has started to increase since july we are going out to schools to teach. Well, my stand is still the same. I still dun feel for teaching..or maybe i just cant teach.I took my first mc of this job on two weeks ago for my shoulder and neck pain, and also meanwhile go for acupuncture cos the western medicine are only pain killers and eating them long in the long run isnt good for the body so i shall seek the chinese aspects of the medicine to help. But problem still persists even up to now when i sit too long in front of the computer..Die, tink this illness going to stuck with me for life :( Also since i was on mc, xun bian went for an interview for the position of sourcing coordinator in the oil and gas..actually i wasnt very well prepared for the interview :( thats why even the basic company profile i said that wrongly.. once the interviewer corrected me, i knew that my chance is gone and indeed i was right. Sigh duno why that day i suddenly say the wrong things on what the company does..and since Fri = weekend le so went to enjoy like a tourist and took on the river cruise and explore the spore river..quite nice for the first time taking..haha

One of the weekend went on to enjoy at the MBS hotel. Hotel room is really small and disappointing... only fun part to me is the skypool, which i didnt use cos i didnt have my swimwear with me. but taking photos over there seems pretty nice..

        life at home has been pretty bad..cant stand either my mum or brother. My brother is really a proud, arrogant shit scholar who doesnt respect his sister. Treat me like dirt and keep character is lousy shit. Owe my money that i lended out to him when he was still poor in sydney and refused to pay and because of $25 internet broadband every month come ask me for money..pls la, you are really selfish shit, you earn so much and you are the one who sign up for such expensive plans when there are cheaper plans available, and now you expect me to split equally with you. and thats not all, its $25 come on, the 10K plus that i loan out to him, i never even pester him for payment and because of such small money he keep pestering me.. I was really pissed off last weekend when he purposely changed the broadband password because i simply refuse to pay up. i seriously dun see the reason why i should pay up when he owe me 10k plus still refuse to pay me. i really dun see the logic. his $25 is peanuts compared to my 10K pls !! and i really dun like to be threatened seriously..come on, i rather get my own broadband and pay the service provider rather than letting you earn the money..you seriously pissed me off. I REALLY HATE TO BE THREATENED !! so dun think your internet is so powerful that i must be under your control.. This guy seriously has no respect for me. even when i see how he talks to his colleagues..one day he will suffer and i am really for this day to happen because he never failed before and never knew the feeling.. He will never stay so successful always. So what he is earning big bucks now. Character wise really fail horribly !! one thing for now, whenever i have goodies and lobangs, i wont share with him cos its really pointless being so nice to him because he doesnt appreciate my kind attention. Sometimes being nice to him and what i get is being threatened and calling me cheapo just because i buy cheap stuff to eat. Since you so rich, let you eat ex stuff la. i want to see how you going to spend all your savings and money and next time how you go poor.. once bitten twice shy, even next time how pathetic and poor you are, and you come begging at me again like how you did in sydney, i wont bother for you again. because this is the results of how you treat your beloved sister.

Mum wise isnt that better too. seriously cant stand her. She claims that she hated me and wants me to move out of the house as soon as possible..you think i like you also meh? i never want to go home early because the house is always like a battle field. No warmth at all and i dun even feel like having a cozy home.Everyday come home will scold this and that...peanuts problems also want to dig out and scold me but i never see her scolding my brother much.. I get angry no use cos her voice just gets louder..but when my brother gets angry, her voice just shut..what is this man, i really have no say just becos i am a person that can bully??? my bro voice is louder and whatever he says call the shots ! i really feel very unfair..mum is just baised and liked him more than me simply becos he is smarter and earned more.so she see that her future lies within my brother and not me. Whatever, sometimes i just remind her that if you want to pin hopes on him, then FINE..becos i dun see how this arrogant shit will support and take care of her next time. She is still pinning hopes on the citizenship from my brother..whatever it is, i have given up hope on both of them.. I felt that i have friends better than them who cared for me. They are the people that i looked forward sharing my woes and problems with and not them..

         July will be going to sch soon. I am not looking forward to it at all cos i fear teaching and there are really conflicts between my partner and i.. Duno why she is just anal, she was saying that time that i am wasting time drafting my slides on paper rather than putting down straight into the comp..pls la who is she to question my working style.. how i want to do it is my problem, as long as i produce my slides within the deadline time. and she keep emphasizing on teamwork...she say we needa work as a team, not individual.. pls..i am really an easy going person.. is you keep finding fault and small little things that why i find it difficult to work with you..from day 1 til now, i never commented on your working slides and style, so i dont see why you want to impose your style of working and your style of presentation on me because every one has different style of teaching students. If you are not happy with my style, then i am fine.. you can wholly take over the whole lesson and i can just sit back and relax..so i dun see why she is such a difficult person to work with.. Can see she also dun gel well with other people too. always lunch alone and never mix much with other colleagues.. She mentioned one thing to me before.. she say when it comes to work, i dun care how people see me, if i find them noisy, i will move out of the room and find somewhere quieter to work in...and she really did that..ok lo, if this is what she wants, then its not my problem.. My only concern is only working hand in hand with her in July and starting from them on, our team will be dispersed and my kaki colleagues will be splited from me..i forsee myself really lonely in July. ;( We shall see !! 

~lost in career direction~

          i have been thinking what do i really want to do in life. After working here, i am pretty certain that i dont liked education line too. honestly speaking teaching is a super hard skill to learn man. Mastering to teach kids are seriously not easy at all. i am preparing lessons for seconday school students now and i am really no different from a teacher now apart from having to mark books and setting test paper. My job is to teach two lessons in sch starting in July and after which i am done for the day. The remaining time i could use it to mark the worksheets that i have given out to the students but well for my experiments there are not much to be marked actually because there are a range of ans for that. But right now, where can i go? i am really looking into a better package and better pay. i am not sure if i really regretted giving up that oil and gas job for my current job. But well, this job really feel less stressful and tiring as compared to my previous job. at least i didnt fall sick that much taking up this job.previously becos i spend like 9am-6pm in front of comp until my eyes condition turned really bad and thats how my dry eyes arised from there. now that i think my eyes should be better since i dun feel any pain now.

            i really hope to find my sense of direction now.Feel so lost ~ and i am not really sure if i look forward to going schs to teach in July although one of the school which i was asigned to is a few blks away from my hse only. so its actually damn shoik cos no need wake up early to teach ;) but another school perhaps further but luckily i am not posted to the east to teach. i am really the lucky one because some of the colleagues are really posted to the east to teach and travelling itself already very taxing and tiring !

           perhaps i should really start looking around occasionally now for jobs opening.

hongkong trip updates

            Hello blog its been almost 1 month since I last blog. Life has been pretty well, so far so good and during april went off to hongkong, macau, Shenzhen and Zhuhai. In fact honestly speaking I dun really like macau and hongkong. Everything is so ex and hongkong air is really super super bad..everywhere you go also got people smoke and you cant really breathe properly ! other than that shopping was ex too. Only bought a lot of cheap bags and clothes from a building that seems like bugis. Else most of the shopping are really high end. And I cant believe that over in hongkong, we practically had 4-5 meals everyday and yes supper definitely every night. Not that we are hungry, but rather that tiam chiak bf of mine wanna try hk food so no choice but to eat with him..and I gain weight after I came back ;( I went for probably 8 days and this holiday was really good. After I came back was really busy with unpacking of my luagge and work.

                I was kinda depressed and stressed initially over teaching..cant believe that I am the only one in the department that keep failing my certification for teaching. Duno is I suay or what, I am always the unlucky one who kana the HOD ppl and the HOD ppl are more stern and strict towards their certification and so I failed twice for two different assessments. So I was really demoralized and depressed cos its only me ! the rest of my colleagues are really heng. All kana the kind souls and all of them pass with first attempt. Well, teaching is really not my cup of tea. I am still looking for more options. I have really been trying hard to made improvements to my teaching. Really hope that one day I can teach well and made all students understand me.Apparently most of the time I already felt that my instructions are really clear with diagrams and everything, but student still dun understand. Is it me or isit the students problem? I always ask this but yet I never gotten any ans. That time was so depressed and upset that I broke down and cried in front of one of my colleagues cos I really see myself really unlucky always kana the HOD to access me. Well, they should understand that I have zero teaching background and all my colleagues have some prior teaching background. So of cos comparing them to me, I am definitely much more lousier. Haiz. Wat can I do now? I am really thinking of more options now.perhaps education really not for me.

 

               Today is the day I am going to catch luo zhi xiang concert ! super duper happy lo. He is my favourite singer since the jc days and today I am catching him live on stage ! super excited but I am really sad that dear cant go ;( sian de he always cant go with me.

i am really upset yet angry with my colleagues

          yesterday i was feeling really depressed and upset over my colleagues comments. they are really a bunch of asshole who commented on my learning style. i was badly hurt by their comments and to prove them wrong, i shall do much way better than them so that they shut their mouth up !! fucking insensitive idoits who gave such hurting comments. guess what they say..they keep saying i memorise the slides and keep writing scripts which seems like i am going for "A level exam"..fucker ass hole who are you to comment on my way of learning. i needa a script to sort out my thinking then i can then predict wat qns the students will ask..and worst one bloody lady wanted to swap classes and me and she is not even sincere about swapping..she still added that i got more time to "revise"..wah when everyone heard that they were laughing..u know at that point of them how ashammed and how much dignity i lost..i really cried after which and i ask my guy colleague to pei me cos i really wanna let out.he also heard that and feels that they are too guo fen..fine since they say such mean things to me, i shall be sacastic one day !! dun think i am nice to bully just because i smile everyday...you have made me angry and make ppl laugh at me.i will sooner get back to you and make you lose face !!

i am the most angry when they ask if i am a JC student and they say they are from poly.thus it explains the way we teach classes..come on la.i know my stuff better than you..u dun have the right to look down on me when both of u have a local degree..come on, SIM and overseas university is afterall not as preferred as local certs..so please ppl stop thinking that you guys are smarter than me.i really hate that bloody cocky attitude of urs ! i shall give you black face from now on !!

~lost for a new start ~

           its been really long since i last updated my blog.kinda been busy lately rarely got time to go online now ever since i started work. well, right now i am very lost..duno wat am i doing also. no aim..zzz department doing de stuff also all purely on research.Man... worst still i am the only young chiense girl and apparently i feel that i attacted the wrong crowd of guys..really zzz..i thought they knew i am attached right.then why is he trying to eat my tofu leh. DAMN really feel like screwing him off although i just say say cos i wouldnt dare to say him for constantly touching my shoulder..initally thought that its me who think too much but he really did it on purpose for a few times. so after which i smart liao keep finding excuses not to let him come close to me. he jio me eat lunch i give excuse not free. Stay back after work do stuff i also not free. lol say i got date. whatever it is just come out with some shit ideas to get off from him.. u know i am damn sian diao when my supervisor ask me to work with him..seriously why so suay ! luckily after tmr i no need work with him closely anymore.

             and yes still got another weirdo guy also.keep send me random text that is not related to work stuff.diaoz.. why all the ppl there so weird de. i take it that i am the only chinese young girl there so they bo bian only got me to see. I shall not tell myself that i am attractive over there although after going through the orientation i am pretty confident that its not hard to be attractive over there when there are no pretty girls over there.lol cos mostly middle age aunties haha

Am I really very stupid to reject a high paying job for a low paying job for a long term career plan?

             This whole week I am really depressed cos suddenly so many companies offer me job and every company pressing for me to give a decision soon. Wanted to make a decision liao then suddenly got 2 more companies ask me to come down for interview and all the companies all not bad one. Until now I am really reluctant to take a lower pay job and some more its only a renewable contract job… To me I see money/ salary as a very important factor in deciding whether or not should I take up the job. Honestly speaking the pay really low compared to my last drawn basic..i really wanted to reject the job liao and go for my oil and gas job which pay much much higher with better bonuses and aws. In fact its even better than my ex company. Because of that I was really depressed cos I cant accept the fact that I should accept the lower paid job for a long term career plan. My best friend keep telling me to go for the lower paying job and it will definitely be a stepping stone for my future career. I wish it could really happen but I really no confidence of jumping into another public division because there are so many smart and good people out there. Question is how do you outshine these people to get a switch in job. I am really scared. Whereas if I were to take the crewing job, although I hated the job cos that’s the reason why I left the ex company also. Although I can do the job, but for the sake of high pay and money for my future, I dun have a choice if I were to choose this job.

 

             Eventually 2 days before, the crewing company kept on pestering me for a decision and I bo bian rejected it although I really wanted to take up the job liao when dear said that maybe I should work for the sake of money. If you are willing to piah, oil and gas can really make you a Richie. No joke man. The bouses alone can really make you rich if you can endure the industry and work for many many yrs. Well, I really forgo this opportunity given this time..abit sad though cos I gave up a job that can make me richer next time.

But now, since I have made up a decision. I shall work hard for 1 yr + within the public service and I shall see if I got chance to proceed further. If I am going to stuck at that level, I guess I am going back to my oil and gas and be a more practical women. Money is still an important factor. I want to work hard now and earn more money so that next time I can finish my housing payment earlier. I dun like to be in debt cos the feeling really very tong ku.

I gonna tell myself that I shouldn’t be that sad anymore because in life its about making wise choices and taking a risk. Perhaps I am betting one yr of my career on something which I am very uncertain about now. After a year I will decide again where to go if things doesn’t appeal good. I hate changing jobs cos I dun like changes but sometimes if things are not favourable you just have to make changes so that things would be in your favour.

I shall commence work next week. 5.5 months of slacking is enough. Time to earn money again. Cant wait for my hong kong trip next month. Shall earn this one month pay and spend it in HK !

 

i finally got confirmed for 2 jobs

         wow its almost 3 weeks since i last blog. reason being that i am really busy with interviews all these while.i hit my record of going up to 8-9 interviews before getting a job in 2 months. well at least i did get a job eventually within 2 months..earlier on between last yr mid sept to dec i was just nuahing, totally not sending any cv or looking out for any job. i just want to relax and slack totally cos really very tiring liao and duno what i wanna do in life so at that point of time, i spend alot of time thinking what i wanna do in the near future because i would never go back into sales line again unless i am really desperate. And i realised something, not that if you want that job, you can get. Sometimes you just have to spam jobs even if those you wouldnt like and if you are lucky, you might just end up with a job. In fact, i am pretty confident that i will get a job cos my written assessment i am very certain that i wrote very well. perhaps the company could only pay diploma but oh well, so i didnt get. Actually i was feeling very demoralised liao cos go so many all never get. Some i just go for the sake of going although i dun really want that job..afterall by going more interviews you can familiar with the qns and as you go more, you get more pro with the questions they will ask you.

      And last week i went to NTU carrier fair and i manage to spoke to an employee cos i wanted to look out for HR opening in oil and gas..dun wan to be recruitment consultant anymore cos really tiring sourcing for people..the eyes are super tired cos need to read so many CVs everyday. so i told the staff that i wanted to apply for HR then he say ok. then next day he ask the HR dept called me up for interview for crewing executive/ mangement trainee. So i was abit puzzled why i applied de post so different from what he give me. actually in fact on that day where we spoke on the career fair i am quite certain that the so call manager was keen in my application, although i didnt know that he is the manger until i met him for the interview.reason being why he is keen in my application becos my ex company does similar stuff in fact and i was really hesistant to take up the job although now he really offered me a place in the company..reason being why i wasnt keen is becos i dun like doing crewing and in fact i hate it, which explain the reason why i resign after my ex boss started changing me to source from white collar staff to blue collar stuff.. the paper work is sibei alot and in fact its all sai kang and the way i see my colleagues work last time i am scared liao..turn over rate in that department super high and some work a few months jiu resign cos all cant tahan..although i can take up the job but i am very certain that i wont work for long..perhaps 1 yr i will resign liao and i am back to square one. i really do not want that to happen. earlier on my friend was still saying me that got job better than no job. for that 5 months joblesss, i already lost near to 12k so he was telling me not to be so irrational. But last time if you give me a job i will certainly take, but now my stand is different le after working for a year. To me, i think career progession is important now. and the ease of finding my next job is also impt..i dun wan find a job that next time wanna switch job also hard. so i am on a look out for a job that is flexible for a switch. ok reason number 2 why i am not really keen with the job is because pay is low compared to my previous job and its 5.5 work day week ! come on, its oil and gas shouldnt you pay abit better. ok i am abit picky though but then i got abit experience and i am not being unreasonable if i want a pay $31 more than my previous job. seriously no one will want to get lower than the last drawn pay la.management trainee post even worst sia. $359+ less than my last drawn of cos i cant accept la although i would prefer mangement trainee than a crewing executive..ok moral of the story still lies that the pay is low and i dun really like crewing seriously.i think it has no future cos mostly just paper work coordinating with the blue collar indo workers to get their medical and offshore certs..so what skills can you learn from there. Ans is NO ! in fact before you get to learn anything, you already super pissed off communicating with them becos they cant speak english..only malay..i already experience that for one yr before i resign so i know how is it like. i am scared liao. However so much so, i have yet rejected the job offer. wanted to draged for a week to give them an answer de but sadly they want me to give them a reply by next monday. so i only got a few days to compare which is the job i really want.

         well, second job that i am confirmed is a job as an educator at science centre..you now how happy i am getting shortlisted in the public service. i have been trying so hard for the past 2 mths and all i see was rejection emails. and finally i saw one that willing to ask me come for interview.but obviously from what i heard from many people the interview really not easy and some even told me to take it as an experience for interview can liao..actually before i go for the interview i try to mentally prepare that dun give so high hope for the job so just try my best lo..the tough part is that they will give you props on that day and you have to give a demostration with the props given which you wouldnt know until you go for the interview that day. After which, you have to explain the demonstration of the science behind that..the sci centre people state in the email no need prepare..Man who will be so silly not to prepare a single thing and go with an empty mind..of cos i not so dumb until not to prepare everything la.so obviously i memorized my demostration by hard and heng one of the props could be applied to my demostration and thats how i think by engaging and being different in my delivery style makes me shortlisted. I really pray hard that this contract job wouldnt pay that low..i even prepare to forgo my crewing job for this job liao cos i think it will be my stepping stone to enter public service next time and moreover this job will be certainly more meaninful that doing painly paper work which i find that no need uni graduate to do de. you can just ask a poly student to do it for you. At least with this job, my science knowledge can be consistently upgraded and put into application.

       but well, i am really happy now because i can finally slow down finding CVs le..really tired leh everyday find CVs. and actually i think that sending CVs by career fair is good because it gives equal opportunities for fresh graduates, whereas if you were to find jobs on jobs portal, its so damn hard because there is always people that are more experience than you and asking for lesser money..and why should they hire a fresh graduate then there are experienced people out in the market already..so i really faced this problem lo..

          All and all, i can finally slow down my pace and rest abit liao..vday was touched by dear de handmade strawberry rose cake. man so difficult de thing he also can make.but anyways he is a pro la. and for the past 2 weeks i am just really really busy with career fair and interviews.no time to even log into computer for a week lo ! finally my effort has been paid off. CANT FEEL SO HAPPY WHEN I SAW THE EMAIL THAT I AM CONFIRMED FOR A JOB. :)

chinese new yr

             chinese new yr was different this yr cos went to dear house for visiting. Personally for myself chinese new yr is a period for me to recharge and nuah at home. but not bad at least got some ang bao get for my allowances. and things happen very fast this chinese new yr. Bro gf came from sydney but mum dun like her cos she was dark. Its really a lame reason but yes that was the reason she gave ! She say next time the kid come out will sure have very ugly dark skin. this is so lame. I feel as long as the couple is happy then why bother so much. sometimes i feel that she is really superficial man.

                 new yr eve went chinatown and it was pretty great getting all the cheap deals for the last day ! mochi and cny cookies i all get it at very cheap prices. meanwhile for chinese new yr apart for day 1 of visiting, i am very much doing nothing. ;( i have send a couple of CVs and didnt get much response. feel really demoralised and sad in fact.. last sun went like near to 30 CVs and only one called me today to ask me to come for interview and honestly speaking i have no confidence in going for that interview because i have no experience at all and the job description says that they need someone with 4 yrs experience. so seriously calling me for an interview is it kidding me or they are just desperate?? i duno but i am feeling really demoralised now. switching line is tough especially when i have not much of experience. but neither do i want to stay on in my previous job when i am really unhappy with my work. Its not what i used to do in the past. the management has gradually change your job scope without your agreement and honestly i do not like what i did previously thats why resign. If i could have stayed on perhaps i could have earn another 10K? so having to nuah for that long indeed i do lost quite alot of income. but nevertheless my good friend and bf told me one thing. patience is the key to success. I hope this quote really makes sense and hopefully i get a job soon. went for 4 interviews liao and all no news yet. 1 still pending though i dare not give too much high hopes. next week i am going for my 5th interview liao ;( sometimes i really think did i really ask for too much? honestly speaking i dun think i am asking that much considering its market rate but one problem that i faced was the market now hiring alot of diplomas and of cos as a company i would choose to hire a diploma rather than a degree because they are cheaper and anyway they are going to train the people also. So right now i am really facing that problem. ;( either degree qualifications too senior for me or the opening is just for diplomas. ;( Man when can i get a job ;( i am not in need of money though but i do not wish to get unemployed for too long neither cos it reflects bad on my CV.

          i hope next week will be a better week and i look forward to valentine day ! whee :)

~busy week ~

          chinese new yr is coming and last sun went out with my jc girls for shopping and lao yu sheng. went to explore a few eating place too and the time just passed very fast when i are outside the entire day. monday was a tiring day, went out with dear with no aim cos duno where to go liao..spore so small.went town whole day do nothing.

      tues got a call for an organization and she asked if i can come down the on the day itself on the afternoon. Walao crazy i never even prepare how to even go for interview.. so obviously i say i not free even though i am free.i wont be so stupid to kill myself on the spot. so i tried delaying 2 days after when i am very certain that i have enough time to prepare for the interview. So thur went for the interview and i tink i did pretty ok. but oh well, even if i think i did ok, its still up to the interviewer if they wants me. perhaps on my side, i might be asking too much, but i am just trying my luck and i am putting negotiable for that pay. honestly speaking i dun think i am asking too much considering my last base pay was quite high as a recruitment consultant. now that i wanna switch line i wouldnt want to get a lower base pay either. Becos i used to work for the oil and gas industry, thats why my base pay was quite high, other wise as a recruitment consultant, the base pay wouldnt be that high since there will be commission given.hopefully i can really get the job as a project executive, although i dun dare to think too much cos i always think that there are always people better than me and asking for lesser money.LOL..i gonna pray hard that they call me again after cny for the 2nd interview.

        this week gonna be busy..going sailing today and perhaps movie at night. and today my bro gf coming from sydney and tmr needa meet up as a family to have our reunion dinner cos she will be back to sydney in a few days time..

~why cant i have a happy family?? ~

         monday interview wasnt what i really wanted too. Firstly company was small and there isnt much staff.. Another thing is its location is super ulu at TUAS and i feel like i am totally out of place when i used to work in a CBD area and now i am desperate til dun mind working in the industrial area..honestly its not what i really want but the company ask me come for second interview though for the HR opening. But i failed the buyer interview cos the interviewer say my experience not enough.. Man i spend one whole day reading up on supply chain lo and indeed its not easy to spot the interview questions that they ask..alot of them are actually scenario qns like: " if all three suppliers are good, how do you know which one to choose ?? " this qn really stumbled me cos i no experience of cos wont know what to do. So i anyhow say bo bian..but for HR wise, since msot of which i have done it before, but perhaps just expanding what i did previously for oil and gas.. Actually now, i feel really demoralised looking for jobs. Find and Find but hard to get a job that i want.. ;(


         and tues was rotting day for me cos was tired after a consecutive days of preparing for interviews.. and yesterday went out with dear and bro came along to join in for lunch at wild honey.. and i was feeling very depressed yesterday after i came home..i was asking myself why cant i have a happy family whereby everyone respect one another.. Mum totally dun respect me at all. My bro wants a personal room by himself, she give him, but when i want she dun let..what sort of reasoning is this ?? its obvious that my mum is biased and she favour my bro over me..just becos my bro is smarted and his career next time is more or less confirmed working in the govt sector liao..in fact his career will only sore higher being a scholar but people like me continued to remain unemployed..


         My bro attitude is rude and arrogant but mum has to choice but to boot lick him cos all her future lies in him..she rely on him to get her citizhenship now, also next time he is sure to earn alot so she will defintely stand to gain..and this is what i hate about her..yesterday threw so much of my stuff away and i told her countless times not to touch my room stuff when i repeatedly shouted and screamed at her..i really felt very tired and going crazy soon until yesterday midnight i really shout damn loud and scream like a crazy women cos she really blew my top liao..i am always very nice and well tempered..never got angry except she making me pissed..she really dun respect people stuff..people stuff is rubbish and gargage but her stuff is precious like stones..seriously if she pissed me off one day, i will throw away all her favourite stuff and let her know the feeling of losing her favourite things..

         she kept on saying that we 3 singaporeans keep bullying her as a foreigner but we really dun have such intention.. i never even tink of her being a foreigner..is she ownself think too much..and when we say she has some mental illness liao ask her to see doc but she say we are crazy..all the symptoms already show signs that she is siao -over possess over cleaniess..

           seriously why cant i have a happy family..All i want is peace and a happy family who gives me warmth..why cant i feel that in my family?? why is it that whenever i comes home, i feel sad and angry?? sometimes i really ask myself when can i get out of this house and live with dear even if i dun get married?? i cant stand it already..she is just too much..i really family warmth, not a battle field who always quarrel everyday.. maybe thats the reason why i always go home late and goes out of home early..i never want to stay at home cos of her :( i really hope one day she will changed

pineapple making and interview

               these few days kinda busy...first was pineapple tart making with dear and i spend 1 day doing that and its really shag imaging doing everything from scratch. Then i prepare for my interview and honestly i dont like the job scope cos i am the only HR in the department and it makes no difference to me being the director secretary or PA..seriously cos i was interviewed by the director and one thing is the company is small. ;( OH WELL i shall wait for news then.. Monday going to have another interview again for 2 positions in the same company. hopefully i can get one of them cos its near my house and i no need travel so far better man..


                and my bro came back spore yesterday..looks like he cant adapt staying in our cui house..everything is so lousy compared to his sydney house. oh well, what to do, he has to recognise and understand that our family are not as well off. so getting an accomodation is already very good already.


            i really hope that monday the interview that i am going will be the job that i will like. at least its something related to my previous industry ;)

getting demoralised over job search

           guess what, i am really getting more and more demoralised over searching for jobs. Got an insurance job offer for 3k as business development but i totally not keen. fine if i want also can take up but i can tell you, within one month i will quit. perhaps just get that one mth salary jiu quit liao.after reading the job description online, i think its alot of fianical planing which i do not like. and moreover i shouldnt waste my degree by entering this line. perhaps in the near future when i am old then this will be my last choice, or maybe it wont be my choice at all. i dislike insurance company since young, so i wouldnt work there at all.

          and 2 days back went out with dear for food hunt. ate ramen burger which i felt was alittle overpriced cos the ramen burger not as nice as the photo seems haha. perhaps mayb the ramen not gd enough but the meat was pretty ok. if there are improvment to the ramen perhaps it will taste better..After which went to eat laska for dinner. apparently the standard drop for laskania..tt time i ate was nicer at bugis. oh well, but never mind, its cheap anyway after using the voucher.


          hai ~think my plan of starting work in jan doesnt seems to work out now. and honestly speaking, waiting for calls everyday can be a torture. ;(


       

awesome new yr eve to mark the start of 2014

           boxing day was good especially with nice jap food. finally meet up with dear after 1 week nv see him cos he busy with work ;( wanted to catch the movie but end up cant cos reach there too late so end up window shop.


           monday was a day where i went to agency to interview for some business executive job..the job isnt wat i wanted though but this job doesnt require any experience cos they will train you from start but problem is i dun like finance industry. aiya nvm just let the client review first. if they want can talk more during interview. but pay honestly not too bad for a non experience person. only concerned is i might have difficulty looking out for a new job in the event i wish to job hop again.

           new yr eve was gd. met up with my jc friends for lunch, then in the evening went siloso and at night go to floating platform. everything was packed in a day. totally awesome cos fireworks and everything seems so real and nice. and i was lucky that this yr my new yr eve wasnt as boring as last yr.;but nevertheless hope 2014 will be a better yr for me and faster let me find a job that i like ! hai ~ really tired of sending so many cvs and no one call me except agencies. ;(