~the big quarrel with my mum~

actually was feeling better in the past few days but somehow things became worst yesterday..i was brighten up the day b4 yesterday becos at least my phy did quite ok..initally still thought tat i will fail for phy but came out to be i pass..so at least tat day wasnt tat sad..but duno why i still feel sad over the results even though it is nothing much..how should i revive on my chem and gp arh??sigh..just pretty worried..one thing tat i wont deny is tat dragon babies are much more smarter than rabbits..and duno why i feel veri stupid and slow when everyone understand and i dun undertstand..nite classes are starting next week from 7 t0 9pm..i am still considering if should i go cos by the time i finish it will be veri veri late le..
lately has been cutting down time spent on going online..onli go online abt twice a week on average nowadays, last time used to go online everyday cos i veri "Eng" tat time..j2 reali no life at all..always dun have enough sleep and ended up dozing off in class..
so wat is the quarrel with my mum?yesterday reali had a big big quarrel with her..duno why tat time i lose control of myself and i fight bac with my mum cos i am reali reali reali veri angry tat time with her..she make a big fuss over my lousy results and she keep scolding me when i am already veri "FANN" and demoralised liao..so when a person is reali angry, he or she will do things tat she or he dun usually do..and yes i am reali angry cos my mood isnt veri gd liao and she keep scolding me over the results when the results doesnt reali mean tat much, as if it will affect ur A level like tat...and she keep scolding me for waking up the nite at 4 to do hw cos i sleep veri early and many hw are left undone..so obviously i need to wake up to do it cos i need to hand up..and she saes tat i disturb her sleep when i wake up cos the lights are on and she cant sleep..i am already veri nice tat i want to wake up to do my hw, not like last time i dont even bother to wake up, at least the word here is "Bother" to do things and at least i show some degree of hardworking..and she scold me for this...of cos i am damn angry becos wat ever i do she also not happy with me..i am already veri nice tat i didnt sae she is biased cos its obvious tat she is nicer to my brother..she give extra pocket money to him and i am receive lesser than him and she pays even thing for him, phone bills, class funds, etc, then me leh, i pay everything myself..sometimes i have no money then its none of her business..then todae morning we quarrel again lah then i was in my room crying and i have been crying since yesterday liao so my eyes are reali swollen and it pains cos i cry too long liao..then my dad came in and tell me dun cry liao..he ask me wat problem i have and he understands wat i am going through, not like my idoit mum everything also duno when keep scolding ppl...then duno why my dad suddenly cry when i cry..anyway tat's rare tat my dad will cry cos this is the sec time seeing him cry..guys tears are precious cos its hard to see them cry..haha..anyway duno how long will this cold war ends, just dun feel like talking to her..
todae quite stress in chem lesson cos chua keep looking at me to see if i understand..can see tat todae he go quite slow..surprisingly i understand wat he talks abt, maybe i have learnt tat topic b4 when i am in j1..sian arh..next week onwards starting test til late may, its like no rest at all..i shall look forward to the gd friday and maybe i get to sleep more tat day..long time never sleep for 8 hrs liao..

~its been a long time since i last blog

weekend didnt do anything at all, was having reali fun watching tv for the whole day, felt so shiok becos its been long time never do tat le..sun went out with tanu to chit chat, she is damn free whereas i am seriously busy, yet i dun feel like doing anything..
mon was reali reali upset with the results..reali do badly this time..initally was maths..ok, initally i tried to console mysekf saying tat since i didnt alot of qns tat's why i failed by abit, but later i cant console myself anymore when i received the chem paper..my chem results was seriously badly done..paper was filled with all crosses..ppl around me from band 1,2,3 all get B and C whereas my results was like extreme ends as compared to them..i didnt reali purposely do badly for this paper even though tat time i did sae tat i wan, but tat day i reali tried my best le..so now, i reali got a reason as to why i should change class le..sigh..i studied veri hard for this test, but didnt make it..surprising the 3 of us who wanted to change class got the same results and the weird past was tat my results are totally the same with yh..it seems tat we are relai gd until results are the same..sigh..both of us are seriously worried abt our current situation..i reali dun want to go bac to the past j1 where i used to be..seriously i duno where have i gone wrong..can anybody pls tell me where have i gone wrong??Honestly i am reali demoralized le.,.everything has not beem going smoothly this yr..and i reali duno how should tell my mum abt it cos my mum will surely nag at me for doing so badly..seriously now i am pretty worried if i can go uni or not cos it seems tat alot of stuff i duno and my gp results this time got F9..i think i am the lowest in class le..seriously i am quite sad todae becos of the gp results,,but never mind.,.sometimes i just hope tat there would someone to give me moral support so tat i wouldnt feel tat demoralized =( at least last time there is someone to cheer me up, but not now anymore..somehow now i feel reali empty and upset veri oftenly..sigh..i am feeling reali loss now..studies have been reali bad this yr..
todae happen to see leo during the house thingy, he is doing quite well and marco told me tat he did badly for chem ever since this yr after taught by her..i think tat having a gd teacher is impt..i am under chua for a yr le, just think tat i still canot adopt to his style of teaching..too fast for me..so tat explain why i also so loss..spm todae called my name cos its seems tat i understand..actually quite correct but later somehow manage to understand le..tml going to get bac phy paper, think gonna fail this time..sigh.,.i am reali tired le..

~reading my old post~

i have been reading my old posts since i am so free, actually reaslied tat i take many things for granted..i started to have a flash back of the past and i reali regretted for taking him for granted when he is so nice to me in the past..but tat was the past liao, things cant change even if now i want to be nice to him cos i dun have the chance anymore..duno why i am still not willing to delete all those msg, i still keep it as some precious gold like tat..if one day kana deleted then i will feel veri sad..

~this blog has been together with me for slightly 1.5yrs~

this blog has been together with me for slightly more than 1.5yrs le..whether happy or sad things, i always blog on my blog..i have been thinking maybe after i graduate i wont be blogging tat much anymore, becos perhaps i wont have much things to blog abt and maybe i want to reduce the tendency of viewing "His" blog whenever i am online..sad to sae tat up to now, i still cant forget tat "Ta"..somtimes when i am studying, my mind just recall of him..seeing an lr during the holidays outside NTU, made it worst of me..i stood rooted at where i am and was pondering was it him?the back of the vehicle still got paste some yellow sticker which i still rmb tat last time he used to sae tat its quite nice to buy tat..i do know tat its over for so long le, and its not possible anymore, but just dun understand why my heart still lies with "Ta" wholeheartly..sigh..maybe like wat Z used to sae tat my profile in sch is low..but i always stick around with my close friends and how should i widen my social circle??i dun know either..being close to everyone seems difficult to me..i need friends who truly understand me but sad to sae most of my not close friends onli know me as hardworking and cheerful ger..they dun reali know the real inner qm..there will be times when i am vulnerable but yet i dun show becos i always keep everything to myself..and many at times, i always smile in sch..no one hwas ever seen i am sad or the ugly side of me before, except the day when i got retained and cry out..actually i am not reali hard to understand becos many at times i am too naive le and i think too simply, even though sometimes i may think some pervert things..but overall i am still innocent..many of my close friends can read my mind so i am not reali difficult to understand afterall..
chua didnt make life difficult for us during the holidays, except tat now he put more attention on us and he did slow down abit..i am glad tat he did review was we said..
next month going to be 19 le..dun feel excited or look forward to it at all becos i know tat no one "Special" to me will be celebrating with me..last yr still thought tat i can celebrate with tat "Ta" but who knows things turn out to be like tat..so ended up it was my friends who celebrated with me..i was quite touched at tat time becos i was feeling down tat time and my friends were there for me..now i truly understand by wat it means by being there for someone, but u no need to do anything and ther person will feel contented already..i am wondering how is he doing now?just hope tat my birthday wish will come true then i will be veri contented already and i wont ask for more le..
wed went to NTU to buy dinner since i am on my way there..when i stepped into canteen A everyone was like looking at me cos i am wearing uniform..felt so retarted tat time, just hopw tat i can quickly leave the place after i am done with buying my dinner..duno why whenever i go there, i always hope tat i can meet him by chance, but this never happens..maybe i should sae tat fate doesnt exist..sigh..
yesterday quarrel with my brother cos he look at my messages without my permission and i reali hate it becos this is not the first time le..whenever i dun let him read, then he will tell my parents tat oh, i got a bf, tat's why i am so secretive of not allowing him to read, then my parents will scold me and eye more often on me..seriously tat's not the bf problem, its own privacy!!!!!!!i dun read his msg so i dun see why he should read mine..and its all becos of him tat causes so many problems btween both of us in the past..seriously i reali hate him at times, duno why i have such a lousy brother..i am lucky tat both my parents duno how to read msg, if not they will also look and see..but i just dun like it when my brother is the younger and he control so much abt me, instead i should be the one controlling him since i am the older one..actually most of the time i dun bother abt him, wat he do is his own business,seldom care much for him..
eyes have been twitching veri badly since yesterday, just scared tat something bad will happen..and phy paper todae quite difficult..mcq like whole paper also duno, all i duno is i guess one..this is bad..past few days didnt go sch and i did nothing cos i am just reali sick..have been coughing until i feel veri tired..
todae is nauhing day cos i decide to nuah todae since exam just finish todae, shall decide to study tml then..

~sick~

have been sick lately, fever, cough and sore throat for many days le..do paper until so tired, esp maths cos i down there keep coughing, hopefully ppl around me dun find me noisy coughing..maths paper quite a diasaster to me, alot alot never do cos i am just veri tired, didnt reali tried my best..passing chances are just reali slim until those i do all got correct which is impossible..gp paper also diasaster lah, gp is forever diasaster to me, there wont be a day when i sae gp is easy, cos tat day the sky would drop le..
yesterday went to the "Nei yi" shop with bessie on our way home cos happen to pass by the shop..duno why we like veri pei seh sia..then somemore some guys walk past, even more pei seh man..
9 to 10 of the ex graduated j2 came bac to repeat their j2..seriously its scary to know tat..anyway i am sure tat this time they will do veri well and get to the uni..all the best to them and all the best to me also cos i am not doing well in j2..worried sia..anyway my exam still haven finish yet, stilll got one more paper to go and tat's physic..sian man..chem paper was also quite a diasaster..hopefully i get transferred out cos i think i didnt do well in this paper..not sure is i duno or i puposely dun want to do my best..tired of sufting the net for 2.5hrs le..

~what kind of ger friend am i?~shown from survey

Qm, you're a Romantic Realist

When it comes to relationships, you're looking for a fairy tale — or something pretty close to it. While you don't really expect to be whisked away by a prince on a white horse, you probably like the idea of being rescued — as long as you're allowed to rescue back. You expect great things out of people, especially those you love, and you don't mind putting in the extra effort to make sure everyone (including yourself) is happy.Tradition is usually important to you, as long as it's mixed with your own personality. Sure, flowers and candy are great, but when it comes to showing affection, you simply want something that is unique and special to your relationship. For you, it's always the thought that counts.

~troubled~

i feel tat i am always so blur..sometimes i feel tat i shouldnt be the PE rap., instead i feel tat ade or jihan should be the one becos i always veri blur, always forget to take attendance for the gers and ppl will always remind me to do so..somehow i feel tat i am not doing my job at all, in fact, i shoudnt take any pts being the rap..actually i do have in mind of giving up the post and giving it to others becos i feel guilty for not doing anything yet getting the pts..
seriously i like willam sim lesson cos i like the way he teaches and i find him quite funny to some extend..i am so called "in luv" with his lesson..but too bad now change to spm..was quite suprised tat darius oh knows me when i onli attened his lesson once onli..i think he is a reali nice teacher, can be friend friend like tat, just like ms lim..i seriously hopw tat i can go band 3 so tat i can be thought by him, dun mind being downgraded at all..
last tues went to find mdm ho to ask her qn..she seems veri "Fann" when i couldnt understand wat she trying to sae after explaining to me so many times..so scared tat later she become irritated then scold me, so i pretended to understand but actually i dun..just find tat her way of expressing is hard to understand and i canot reali connect with her..
thur was a happy day cos went to pizza hut to eat with the 2 of them at causeway..seriously i think the amt fo cheese and chilli tat we added are veri scary esp me and cm..we used up half the bottle of cheese and i used abt 1/5 of the chilli spices cos i just like to eat chiili..ya, anyway if guys are around, we wouldnt eat until so "ugly" cos guys seriously will shun off..after which went to walk walk until some "Nei yi" shop..it was an interesting shopping session to conclude cos i learnt a lot of things from the pro after going to tat shop..and anyway throught this, there are lots of laughter also esp from me cos i relai too stupid liao, basic things abt gers also duno..
fri was veri troubled by something after the talk with chua..actually all 3 of us are troubled by tat and also tat day i was veri sad cos i failed my phy..actually expected it already but duno why i feel so sad tat day..i have no mood to feel excited for the jam and hop, some sort like some dancing party..went in there just too see and i find it veri noisy and my ears canot take it,actually dun reali like this kind of things..somemore i cant dance at all, dance so stone..let ppl see liao, ppl will laugh..the place isnt dark at all loh, so tat's was the problem..seriously i am scared tat in future he will pick on me..actually tat time i wanted to cry out liao when i was saying wat i wan to sae, but i holded on to my tears, just dun wan to cry in front of guys..but the ger in my class cried out cos she feel tat he is stressing her..as for another ger, she was ok..my comment was just gereral,didnt wan to make it a personal attack and hurt the person and offend him..anyway one of the teachers know abt this le..and i hope tat he can stop telling ppl around cos it will have an impact indirectly on us, dun wish to be famous in tat sense..seriously i relai feel veri loss now, everything also dun understand..duno is i stupid or i just canot connect with certain teachers..sigh..they assume tat band 1 ppl are smart and clever, but tat'e not the case for me..my results are quite ok in j1 cos i studied b4 le, but now everything is new to me..sigh..chua is indeed gd in fact even though i dun understand, but his teaching style is meant for those clever ppl..ppl like me who is stupid gets more stupid under his teaching..sigh..hopefullly he will review wat we have said and let us tranfer out of this class..seriously i feel veri demoralised when everyone understand and i dun understand..just feel veri stress in this class..hopefully i dun breakdown one day and cry out..
sat went to ntu for its open house..saw a no of my friends over there..we go together as a grp in yj uniform scine b4 tat we went to the science centre exhibition so we feel veri extra becos nobody over btu wears uniform..anyway when we reached there, kana approach by one ger..and she keep dragging us to her own faculty, sch of physical and mathemical science..think tat his course is veri related to wat i am taking now, shouldnt be tempted to take this, even though its related..but most of them are doing experiments and research, which i think veri sian..thought of going into sch of design and psychology b4, but my parents sae designing is meant for ITE students and i student yc shouldnt take such course..maybe i shall keep it as a dream to be a designer ba..the ntu stuents kept asking we all to play games, which i think its veri stupid cos of the nature of the games, which is related to the course..they sae if win liao will have robinson voucher..we hear liao, then was giving the "diao" look..haha..just think we veri naughy man..after going this open house, i still got no idea wat i want to take, so its seems tat the trip is wasted..
luving someone is hard, many at times, its is often one sided luv, i still prefer to be luv by others..part of this comment was coated from TH..somehow i could feel tat TH feel sads when he make part of this comment..not sure why this happened but i still believe tat he is still a nice person..even though last time used to think tat he is quite fierce..
think weekend didnt do anything at all loh, sian arh, too lazy to do anything..in holiday mood now...some more next week got exams, make it even more sian more me..

~eh?~

i am not sure if i miss those "Mouse" ppl too much lliao until i kept thinking tat i saw them but actually its not..its just tat they look veri xiang, tat's why i see wrongly..first was bc, followed by ac..the one who look like HIM reali look like HIM sia.except tat tat uncle look abit old..i was wondering eh?how come ac suddenly look so old ah?ya, anyway i am always so cock eye, a;ways see things wrongly..at least bc not tat bad, once i see the guy wearing an ITE uniform, then i confirm know tat its not bc le..talking bat bc reali makes me recall of the past during sec sch..just think i am reali stupid and silly tat time..haha..
i got a feeling tat i am getting fatter cos everyday i eat alot of studd nowadays..die..anyway tat time saw HL milk when she came bac to sch to collect her results..i feel tat tat day she look super pretty..she is among the top few scorers for this A level exam..i think she is super pro loh, studies veri gd and pretty also..envy seh..
my mum has been veri "fann" abt me whether can i go uni or not..seriously i am also veri scared for taking A level this yr with the dragon babies, cos competition will just be veri tuff..somehow i feel tat i am still not reali prepared to take this battle yet, cos my gp is still tat lousy as ever..i got a feeling tat i will fail my gp in my A level and most probably i will go NTU to study if i can make it..NUS not likely..
now, i am not thinking of HIM and him anymore..somehow i feel tat i dun hav much feelings for HIM anymore..maybe i am just used to it le..just hope tat one day we will still talk again (hopefully)..as for him, also not much feelings le, somehow this yr i just want to concentrate on my studies and nothing else..other things can wait til i finish my 'A' then think abt it..i should start being serious in my studies now..cos i dun want to do badly and start regretting later like wat it happens when i receive my o level results
holidays are coming reali soon..reali look forward tat cos i need a break and oh ya, going to cut hair soon..todae chem spa quite easy, its just vomitting out wat u have learned..hopefully i can score well..

~the spur on me~

after yesterday something reali spur me on after the release of the A level results..many of my friends ask me to work reali hard this yr, and not to slack cos they dun wan me to end up having the same results as them..sigh..shall work hard then..

~the results of the A level results~

saw ac's ex once again, the one before me..this time she was alone and somehow i feel tat she has become slimmer and better looking as compared to last time i saw her..actually she isnt tat short either when we walked past each other, realised tat actually i am around the same height as her..in other words, i am equally short as her..anyway i feel tat me and her quite "you yuan"..this is the sec time seeing her le and i wondered whether does she knows me or not..cos both of us happen to have the same ex..haha..interesting relationship..
the "guai" image of tat teacher is runied liao after knowing more stuff abt him..seriously a person canot be judged by its cover and this is wat i learned from here..anyway didnt know tat he is quite a romantic person also, after knowing this issue..but ya, everytime will have their first time in everything they do..
todae is the release of the A level results, and indeed i feel panic for them..some of them did veri well, but some of them not tat well, and they are like crying..sigh..i also duno how to console them even though i was just beside them..i was down there keeping quiet onli..cos i know tat this time its best not to talk anything, cos she need to have time alone..but ya, lots of ppl cried this yr as compared to last yr..i see them cry, i also want to cry..somehow i do feel funny staying there cos i am also not taking results, yet i want to know how my friends fair for it, but i scared tat it will be the wrong time to ask if they didnt do well..anyway this has reali telll me tat i should reali study hard and get gd results and ultimate aim is to go university..i dun wan to end up no where with all this 19 yrs of education..so must piah now..anyway this is reali make me learnt something tat one should be consistent all the way, last min wont do u gd..somehow i feel tat its the rite choice tat i got retained, i didnt regret it..if i am taking my results todae, probably will get all OA and get no where..
anyway saw reali lots of chio bu todae man, guys not reali gd looking after shaving bo tah..haha..many became prettier..cm was so excited abt him, and yes i got it correct..wont deny tat he is gd looking, but character wise reali veri bad, so to me overall still veri bad..
fri no sch..so happy =) cos they do well then got one day off..and todae physics SPA was ok for me, i think, got enough time to finish everything without being panic..seriously i am scared of practical exams becos i am veri bad at practical one..
anyway to end off, just want to tell her tat dun be sad le..