~3 weeks have gone and my eyes are still swollen and bruised~

            last 2 week came back work after a long 2 weeks break..actually i could have extended my hospitalization leave because my eyes have yet ok but i am coming back for the sake of many follow up since my partner has left and i need to prepare for the teaching the following week. Another reason is because i wanted to go for his sharing..yes i did miss the voices  and the laughter at work and also talking to him either virtually or face to face..

                 when i came back on 9th sept which was a tues, everyone gave me that look haha.everyone gave the same comments..wow your eyes have became bigger but oh well my eyes are still very very swollen and eyes still look like kana punch in a way even up to now.really wonder when will it goes off because it makes me look really sick and tired looking. when i first stepped into workplace, felt kinda lost as things seems to have changed over the past 2 weeks when i wasnt around. Many new colleagues were recruited and changes were made at lot at workplace.didnt have chance to meet up with him on tues when i was back, so wed was quite qiao to met up with him at the kopitam but we pretended not to know each other as usual haha cos my colleagues are around. well that day i did enjoyed the sharing he had..somehow got closer to his bff thanks to him..at the sharing his bff teased me then i smile smile and walked away. well pretty enjoyed his sharing and his stage presence..didnt want to be too close to him as i am not supposed to even know him that well since we belongs to two different worlds and league..

               the worst part is when i tried forgetting his presence at work but it doesnt work !! coming to work just makes me wonders what's he busy with..for his level, he is never free for kopi neither is he free for any breaks because every min counts...but why does he still occasionally talk to me like once a wk?? haiz like that keep stirring my heart ;( i tried not to talk to him for a reason but it doesnt help if he keeps coming to talk to me. and the most jialat part is 2 of my colleagues seen him "MSN" me cos they were using my laptop...my first reaction was "shit" !! why of all time he msn me when my colleagues are using my laptop..since they already know that we do chat, of cos they will KPO ask this and that but obviously i didnt say anything much..just let them tease lo..

             last thur this temp guy pei me for dinner..actually i am pretty certain that he has a crush on me..but i choose to act blur cos dun want hurt people. He obviously know i have a bf but still choose to have a crush on me lol..oh well, sometimes liking someone cant be controlled either cos i know that feeling..even you know that there wouldnt be any happy ending, you will still unknownlying fall for someone if the person is nice to you..i think i treat this temp guy pretty nice compared to other perms but yeah its my personality..i treat everyone equally.. anw still wanna thank him for the "welcome back to work" atas chocolate..lol my colleagues saw and was teasing me if they could eat the chocolates from my admirer..


            last fri had a company movie team bonding..movie wise was good but unforunately didnt get to network and know more people before i leave. Sat was good as finally got time on weekends with dear. Went for dim sum feast at tung lok and after that went for hair cut and some atas fine dinning. The day was fruitful..i guess i need find more time with dear to clear my mind..still thought i straightened my thoughts but after i came back looks like isnt it that case.

         few days back on friday went for a wedding and everyone gave me the same comments..they say eug beat me isit? lol my eyes look like kana punch...sianz ...yeah indeed i am quite affected by my eyes now so really no mood to go for meet up cos everyone ask me the same thing and i cant put on make up that much either cos my eyes haven ok yet..

         its been 3 weeks and this week will be the 4th week liao...why arent my eyes bruises recovering yet :( i miss my small eyes last time cos at least its not as ugly as now..tmr i am going hospital to ask abt why my eyes arent recovering much..so sad really..i am kinda vain kind thus really mindful towards my face and eyes :(

         and dear mr guy you are so near yet so far, pls stay at where you are...dun come any nearer to me anymore..dun stir my heart anymore..

my life is so depressed and screwed

I am really feeling very down now. Cant expressed how depressed and sad I am over many comments from work and relationship.. whenever I am feeling very down, pending down my thoughts on my blog seems to be the alternative solution to make me feels better. These two days have been crying over many things although I am technically on hospitalization for 2 weeks..Although I am on leave, I am still concerned abt the progress of my work because afterall my partner is leaving and I have lots of handover stuff which I need to take care of.. having heard negative feedback from colleague that boss not very happy with me and parnter but I really duno where have I gone wrong apart from not really able to teach as good as NIE teachers..please enlighten me because I am really concerned over this..i am just sad cos I feel that my reputation has been ruined just becos my partner and I cant work well with each other..actually I am a super easy going person…but I duno why my work life is always full of obstacles to challenge me de..previous job got this hao lian arab lady whom I have to worked with and she got really bitchy and controlling..worst til she is younger than me and so disrespectful..this partner of mine is the same too.never respected me and always give me that attitude..seriously why is my life so screwed one?? I am really tired le..why cant my life always be smooth sailing..why must I always look for jobs after a yr?? I really wanna continue on but partly teaching really nt my interest and boss mention some ppl wouldn’t be recontracted and I can forsee that I belong to that list..every of my peers are already earning so much $$ but why am I still stuck at peanuts money…I just feel so depressed and demoralised…sometimes put in effort in doing things but people wont appreciate. I AM JUST TIRED OVER THIS… and its hard not to be affected by comments from colleagues..bff is nice to inform me a lot things so that I can be prepared under the worst circumstances…I am really thankful to him for that..but why do some people just so bo liao everything also wanna complain really…However before you complain, can you please do self reflection on yourself? Why are you always alone and why other people cant click along with you? I am really tired facing her already so afterall its good that she is resigning for heaven sake..finally no need see her black face and attitude..To me working as a team is important..no matter how capable you are, if you think so highly of yourself then you shouldn’t be an educator..just go apply for a higher rank post.

 

           And I am really glad that throughout this operation period I have nice colleagues who even text me all the best for my operation..felt so touched…both bff are nice too, thank you bff for being part of my life in scs.

          And yea talking about the eye operation, it was damn scary..had probably 7-8 staff including a few doctors in the operation room. I was half awake, not even drowsy at all when the operation was carried out..first half of the operation I was slightly sleepy so the pain wasn’t so acute when the surgeons operate on me..however once they operate on the second eye, the anesthetic apparently seems to die off and the pain was so bad..i can even sense the stitching and slitting of your lids..yes its that scary…this will be my first and last time doing eye lid operation..no more next time because it’s a night mare operation..sian part is after operation my eyes are so swollen and got blue black…really duno when all these will be gone because its almost two weeks and I needa go back work liao….cant possibly face my colleagues with an eye that looked like being punched…;( and yes during that one week, it was a super tough week for me..i had stomach flu which I didn’t realise til my fever doesn’t seems to gone down for a couple of days..still thought it was the post surgery effect but nope it wasn’t..i gotten the virus from dad..quite suay la cos alrdy eye so pain liao still need endure stomach pain, puke and high fever..that week was really horrible max !

                   Today was feeling damn sad over the quarrel with dear outside..yes I did cry a lot duno why..just feel that everything that is unhappy just came one shot to attack me and I do feel very vulnerable now..work not going well and relationship also seems to have problems. All cant seems to find solutions to them so what should I do leh??? i have been asking myself if we are compatible? We do not have any common interests, neither we share the same thinking, why are we even together leh?? and why is my love for you not as deep and strong as what I used to had when I was in uni? Could it be other factors that changed my heart? Cant be what…I have no interest in married man neither in any single man…initially I thought it was that problem but recently I asked myself again and I am very certained that I didn’t like any guy…Where does the problem lies in? problem lies in you or me?? Marriage is for life..i duno if you will be the last one for now but if you ask me 3 yrs back when I was in uni, my ans is a definite yes that I see you as my last bf, but now my ans is uncertain and I duno.. I wanna be myself and just like a leopard who cant really change its spot, it applies to even my habits and character..i am tired of changing for you..shouldnt you be accommodating rather than trying to change me into your ideal women that you always wanted in your heart?relationship is about accommodating not changing a person..;( today felt so heart pain that my childhood money that I have been earning hard has all gone out to pay for the flat..i shall tell myself that 11k will not be the deciding factor for everything because married is for life..i want to get out of this current unhappy house but I also want myself to be happy in a new environment if not really no point also…I am tired of crying already.. ;( this will be my last write off before I go off for sleep..hopefully tmr when I wake up I will feel better…thank you my nicest gf for being so concerned for me..never felt so touched ;) so blessed having you as my good friend..