I am really feeling very down now. Cant expressed how
depressed and sad I am over many comments from work and relationship.. whenever
I am feeling very down, pending down my thoughts on my blog seems to be the
alternative solution to make me feels better. These two days have been crying
over many things although I am technically on hospitalization for 2
weeks..Although I am on leave, I am still concerned abt the progress of my work
because afterall my partner is leaving and I have lots of handover stuff which I
need to take care of.. having heard negative feedback from colleague that boss
not very happy with me and parnter but I really duno where have I gone wrong
apart from not really able to teach as good as NIE teachers..please enlighten
me because I am really concerned over this..i am just sad cos I feel that my
reputation has been ruined just becos my partner and I cant work well with each
other..actually I am a super easy going person…but I duno why my work life is
always full of obstacles to challenge me de..previous job got this hao lian
arab lady whom I have to worked with and she got really bitchy and controlling..worst
til she is younger than me and so disrespectful..this partner of mine is the
same too.never respected me and always give me that attitude..seriously why is
my life so screwed one?? I am really tired le..why cant my life always be
smooth sailing..why must I always look for jobs after a yr?? I really wanna
continue on but partly teaching really nt my interest and boss mention some ppl
wouldn’t be recontracted and I can forsee that I belong to that list..every of
my peers are already earning so much $$ but why am I still stuck at peanuts
money…I just feel so depressed and demoralised…sometimes put in effort in doing
things but people wont appreciate. I AM JUST TIRED OVER THIS… and its hard not
to be affected by comments from colleagues..bff is nice to inform me a lot things
so that I can be prepared under the worst circumstances…I am really thankful to
him for that..but why do some people just so bo liao everything also wanna
complain really…However before you complain, can you please do self reflection
on yourself? Why are you always alone and why other people cant click along
with you? I am really tired facing her already so afterall its good that she is
resigning for heaven sake..finally no need see her black face and attitude..To
me working as a team is important..no matter how capable you are, if you think
so highly of yourself then you shouldn’t be an educator..just go apply for a
higher rank post.
And I am really glad that throughout
this operation period I have nice colleagues who even text me all the best for
my operation..felt so touched…both bff are nice too, thank you bff for being
part of my life in scs.
And yea talking about the eye
operation, it was damn scary..had probably 7-8 staff including a few doctors in
the operation room. I was half awake, not even drowsy at all when the operation
was carried out..first half of the operation I was slightly sleepy so the pain wasn’t
so acute when the surgeons operate on me..however once they operate on the
second eye, the anesthetic apparently seems to die off and the pain was so
bad..i can even sense the stitching and slitting of your lids..yes its that
scary…this will be my first and last time doing eye lid operation..no more next
time because it’s a night mare operation..sian part is after operation my eyes
are so swollen and got blue black…really duno when all these will be gone
because its almost two weeks and I needa go back work liao….cant possibly face
my colleagues with an eye that looked like being punched…;( and yes during that
one week, it was a super tough week for me..i had stomach flu which I didn’t realise
til my fever doesn’t seems to gone down for a couple of days..still thought it
was the post surgery effect but nope it wasn’t..i gotten the virus from
dad..quite suay la cos alrdy eye so pain liao still need endure stomach pain,
puke and high fever..that week was really horrible max !
Today was feeling damn sad
over the quarrel with dear outside..yes I did cry a lot duno why..just feel
that everything that is unhappy just came one shot to attack me and I do feel
very vulnerable now..work not going well and relationship also seems to have
problems. All cant seems to find solutions to them so what should I do leh??? i
have been asking myself if we are compatible? We do not have any common
interests, neither we share the same thinking, why are we even together leh?? and
why is my love for you not as deep and strong as what I used to had when I was in
uni? Could it be other factors that changed my heart? Cant be what…I have no
interest in married man neither in any single man…initially I thought it was
that problem but recently I asked myself again and I am very certained that I didn’t
like any guy…Where does the problem lies in? problem lies in you or me?? Marriage
is for life..i duno if you will be the last one for now but if you ask me 3 yrs
back when I was in uni, my ans is a definite yes that I see you as my last bf,
but now my ans is uncertain and I duno.. I wanna be myself and just like a
leopard who cant really change its spot, it applies to even my habits and
character..i am tired of changing for you..shouldnt you be accommodating rather
than trying to change me into your ideal women that you always wanted in your
heart?relationship is about accommodating not changing a person..;( today felt
so heart pain that my childhood money that I have been earning hard has all gone
out to pay for the flat..i shall tell myself that 11k will not be the deciding
factor for everything because married is for life..i want to get out of this
current unhappy house but I also want myself to be happy in a new environment
if not really no point also…I am tired of crying already.. ;( this will be my
last write off before I go off for sleep..hopefully tmr when I wake up I will
feel better…thank you my nicest gf for being so concerned for me..never felt so
touched ;) so blessed having you as my good friend..
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