Feeling empty lately ~~

Its been almost a month since I last blog. I am finding my blog to let out this time because heart feels kinda empty…not sure why too..perhaps time spend with bf is really little..either he is busy with work or just too tired to meet up..the quality time spend is not there..not that I am blaming him or what, but heart just feels really empty..and during this period when my heart was empty, this man came along and became my entertainment everyday to that extend that he somewhat became my BFF..But i must distance away from him now because he is married and I cant be too closed with him..But why he always must appear constantly in front of me and stir my heart..i am confused if he likes me or he just likes being around with me…I did ask him why he is willing to reveal his “outside ” face and personality to me, whereas not to other people and I got an open ended answer which couldn’t clarify my doubt. Everything seems so unclear and because he is married makes things worst..He cant fall for me although his actions seem really like it initially. Now maybe slightly better but still sometimes give people the wrong thinking..Oh well, actually I kind of enjoy his company although I never thought he will reveal his other side personality to me.. He is someone that has no airs, rich, charismatic and good looking..In fact he is the man that every ladies who like to marry to..Scholar, come from top 3 university worldwide, humble and smart, tall like model, please which girls dun want. Practically every ladies admire him even the malay and indian ethnics group. This just shows how popular he is.. So actually I feel really honoured that he took the first step to talk to me cos I will never talk to him becos I am just too scared and shy…Well, what I wanna say is please dun keep appearing in front of me becos your presence will stir my heart ;( I have a bf and he is married already so nothing will happen.. I have another BFF too but sticking around with him, the feeling is different from BFF..This man just gives a different feeling to my heart.I wont break dear’s heart because he is important to me..Similarly I wont break people’s marriage and be a third party. Well, that’s is my rule number 1 and I will still abide to it. But one thing for certain is, both of us admire each other and can click along very well. He is my ex age and becos I used to have have an ex of his age so roughly I know how he thinks. If he is not married and I am single I will probably go for it but then i still have some concerns too after having used to date a guy who used to be 8 yrs older than me, but oh well, nice charming guys are always taken very fast so too bad..dear dear not too bad also actually. I still prefer a nice heart over looks . Although BFF is very charismatic and good looking, but he is married and i dun like the fact that he has many many female admirers because it will makes me insecure... Duno why all of the men that I hang out with, only he has that weird sparks with me.  The rest of the men are just buddies who jokes and talk rubbish openly with no special feelings, but this man is just special…I kept on asking myself if I got that weird sparks for him, could it becos he is good looking?? Hmmm or maybe i just eye candy him only. Sigh i also duno :(

Oh well, during this 3 months also got other married man keep talking to me and he seems to show a little interest in me, but somehow I am not really keen talking to him because he seems sooooo bored unlike this BFF. This BFF more entertaining and engaging and more fun to hang out with. So after a while, this man kind of get the hint and everything died off. He no longer talks to me now :( weird guy zzz.. i am ok with talking to him but dun give me cold shoulder la. I really duno where have i done wrong that you must give me cold shoulder..last time you are so friendly but now so cold :( felt like losing a friend..hai~

 And I really duno why married men always like to talk to me one..although I can click well with guys, but I always tell myself that there must be a line drawn between married guys and singles..So what I wanna say is : pls dun stir my heart anymore because my heart is empty now and I am confused !! Perhaps i really need spend more time with my dear dear to fill up that empty heart so i will feel better..

But something that I am happy to know is that my market value is not too bad haha.i attract people of all ages so its something that I should be proud and happy of :) And i am really sorry for saying hurtful words to dear because i told him my true feelings deep in my heart. I hope to salvage my empty heart only. My purpose is not hurt him because i really want to do something to our relationship.

 Work so far has been taxing..weekend also need to work to prepare for lessons L I feel machiam like teacher really no life.actually really wanted to look for a better higher paying job, but I am kind of attached to this place so a bit bu se de leave ;( I love working in a young and fun environment, unlike my previous company which I do not feel any sense of belonging to the company itself. Actually i kind of like hanging around with some of my malay colleagues..some of them are joker but some arent really that nice, can be irritable and makes your life really pissed. But generally overall its still not too bad.

I should perhaps start thinking of my career path now. i cant forever stuck under this line although i kind of love working here compared to my previous job. Its a fun environment indeed.