wat he wrote..

ponders :
Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 @ 12:17 p.m.

The feeling of being love and to love another can be indeed a strange one. Sometimes we tend to take for granted the other until he/she just gives up.
Maybe I’m at my junction in which I might have just committed that. Or maybe it’s her way of saying something which I don’t understand. I’m just trying to pretend that there’s no problem. To me, I’m totally lost as to what is going on and if she just doesn’t want to speak up, I won’t know.
Doing a little reflection since I feel better today. Was sick yesterday but still had to do OT. The amount of work is not really killing it’s just that you need to wait for A to be completed before B can be done and then move on to C. things then to drag when there are many parties involved.
To love someone gives you strength, to be loved in return gives you courage. Sigh…
the real problem is??

the real problem is??
thur, Dec. 09, 2004 @ 11:59 a.m.


maybe i'm trying to avoid the real issue. pehaps drowing oneself in work is the best way to pretend the problem doesn't exist. i shall continue to do that.

weird
Wednesday, Dec. 08, 2004 @ 11:48 p.m.
girls are pretty hard to understand. especially when one is in a relationship. somethings might not be what they seem. sounds hurting. hmmm.


Reflections of 2004 Saturday, Dec. 25, 2004 @ 8:15 p.m.
Love life was kinda terrible initially. I felt so scared of being in a relationship in the beginning of the year till almost august. My ex was pretty loving and she kept wanting to patch things up, but the lousy guy here wasn't willing to give a commitment. I had the feeling of that nothing matters to me more than making it, be it in studies or work. I climb the ladder from the bottom and i want to make it. Anything aside from that, i'll check if i'm free. My heart was closed and i just refuse to accept love. Came august, i finally found someone who can love me for who i am and hopefully understand me. It started out quite uncertain and we've been thru a few quarrels already. love is something that i'll never understand, but yes, the heart is willing to learn to love again.

Hai~I cant tink anymore..reali troubled (4.12.2004)

So many unhappy tings happen in this end of Nov and start of Dec.One of them is tat they found out the "sweet msg" by xxx.They wanted to scold me initally but in the end didnt.I had to tell a "story".That was reali scary..I had to make sure there is no mistake..
Next unhappy ting was they called xxx. xxx was scared and shocked i believe..My dad scolded him veri badly and i can hear all those even though i am in the room crying and cursing..Even though he said it was ok, i still felt that was not ok..becos my dad scolded him until like wat..initally when he didnt dare to meet my dad, i tok tat he was onli treating this relation as playing onli but after the call when he called bac, i knew tat he is serious abt tis relation liao becos if a guy is not serious abt the other party, he wont want to meet the other party's parents..am i rite?ya should be..
thirdly, i went to sgh for a minor "operation"actually scope for my stomach and large intestine..tat was reali pain when i was half consious...but what i rmb was tat when i was resisting, some ppl hold me tightly on my legs..seiously i am scared of the outcome of the report..i scared tat i will contract stomach cancer like ah gong..i dun wan ..though is a family genes..i pray hard tat nobody in my family get it..god muz reali look after us...
Then todae i msg xxx initally i am scared to msg xxx becos it has been a long time i talk to xxx.duno why i suddenly feel like there is a cold war between us seem like his sms were veri dry and pissed off or angry or wat....i duno i got a feeling tat he feels veri pissed to talk to me becos i tell him tat we are getting colder and colder..then i ask him tat does long distance relationship work?he said no..ok i got the ans..but he said tat if we come out more often and communicate more then shouldnt be a problem..maybe like what tanu says long distance relationship wil not last..ya now i finnally understand why...i forsee tat tis relationship will not last bscos of lack of communication..but seriously i tink tat lack of communication is becos of me..i had no freedom to go out or sms freely..hai~i am reali trying hard to solve tis "big problem" but i cant tink of any solution..reali ..it is giving me a bog headache..why can other ppl realationship goes smoothly but not me..why?why?..i can see tat from tanu, terence, benjamin tat long distance realtionship doesnt last so duno will mine be like theirs? this is reali unclear to me now..though both of us have felling for each other but there is a big problem now tat is lack of communication.. and i reali dun understand him..and cant read his mind duno wat is he thinking..reali.. but duno whether xxx understand me?? there is still a lot of doubts between us..so i cant reali predict how far can we go..hai~seem like my state and tanu is the same..lack of communication..i am going to make this realationship the 1st and last if this fails..unless this special guy can reali "touched" my heart again..at 8pm i was tinking of wat happen again and started crying..seems like we are drifting apart day by day..maybe becos of the lack of communication and all this is my fault ..canot blame xxx..actually xxx is a nice person, but i always say tat he is lousy..actually i pretending one..dun wan to admit all xxx gd points..keep saying watever he does is lousy..duno whether he got take it to heart or not leh..
hai~this realtionship is reali a headache..if not the restrictions on me, probably we might be quite happy together..ya i had no choice ..if i fails i also duno how..maybe cry for a few days and i will be ok after tat..or maybe will takes weeks to recover..reali duno..

sch finally ends...

The sch finally ends...i duno is it a gd thing or not...actually i feel veri sad to leave my friens..hai~~i dun wan to leave them but reality is tat i need to...todae Izzah and Leonard came to sch to get their results...Izzah seems alright to me..i tink she also like me...sad until no more tears liao...they said tat they are both finding jobs in the holiday since they have nothing to do at home...looks like i am those 6 reetaines who are the most guai one...haha at least i bother to come and study in sch even tough i am retained...at least i still have a positive attitude towards sch work...but since now i am starting to put in more efforts in my studies..i reali hope tat i can do better..if can win my arogant brother...wa lao he ass man...laugh at me for retaining...this kind of stupid brother...wao lao but tat laugh is veri insulting to me loh...i know lah he more clever than me also no need like tat one wat...so wat he comes from RV...big deal...RV ppl also can retain wat...talk so much...aiya he will knows next year how tough is life with pw all those stuff...by then i will be laughing at him...retarted ass brother (basket)!!!
Hai~~todae going to see him for the last time liao...i can onli see XXX after a month which is quite long...sigh~~will i tink of him??haha i also duno...maybe yes or maybe not...depends ba

Has an enjoyable day though lame (20.11.04)

yesterday went out with ac to ps.Initially wanted to go suntec to see car exhibtion but eventually went to ps becos my brother wanted to go marina bay there also which is near suntec. so its reali dangerous for me to go there. On the other hand, when we went to ps, ac saes tat th will be going to take picts for him instead since he never go suntec. At tat moment, i was shocked...then i sae "huh?"..Actually i feel veri confused. I wanted to see th since i long time never see him liao whereas on the other side, i dun wish to see him becos i duno how to face him(shy wat canot blame =))haha..
The movie "saw" was nice though grouse and bloody..Also quite funny..Ac jumped quite alot of times on me when i was not scared at all..I scolded Ac & i think becos the SA guy sitting besides me heard me scolding at him then he laugh at us twice..wa lao pei seh man..tat stupid pig..all his fault lah..After movie, we went to carrifour to buy the groceries tat he needed for the camp next day..Aiyo at the way he choose vegi all those, canot make it lah..so nan kan..but canot blame wat, guys are all the same pattern..but he saes i veri smart to choose these kind of things..haha..tis is of cos lah becos i every time help my mum to buy these kind of things wat..can be future "auntie" liao lah..
Today also talk to maril, yh online..they pursuade me to go chalet..I also wan to go wat but duno can or not leh..haha..terence like her..abit weird..i muz sae..haha sec sch she was commenting on terence like hell and yet in jc, they met each other.This world is reali small arh..She call terence "monkey" and now tat "monkey" like her..unbelivable..

promos results is out..finally

finally the results are out..hai~~i am one of the 6 retainees..todae i am so sad =( tanu, wee ping, hui ling and alot of ppl comfort me...but i juz canot stop crying..reali i juz canot accept tis fact tat i am retained...sigh...i am leaving 106 already..i am leaving my frienz..i reali veri sad...hai~~juz duno how to sae in words..my mum still canot take it tat i am retained..she keeps scolding me..i reali canot it liao..i am already so sad and yet she still keep scolding me..cant she juz stand in my shoes and understand me...she still thinks tat i am one of those who can promote to jc2.but i know my strengths..if i mian qiang go jc2 wont do me gd also...why cant she be more reasonable..why why????sigh..
i ask ac to come out after work to pei me..actually i feel abit pei seh becos i waste ppl time and yet he got exams soon..but tat nite he comfort me..ya he was veri sweet tat nite and talk to me quite a lot abt his experiences..ya i was quite touched by him lah..suddenly duno why after we chat my feelings were not tat sad any more..hmm...is it his magic words tat touched me??i duno...

crying becos...(27.9.2004)

hai~~todae me sort of like quarrel abit through sms.how would i know tat i sent him 3 sms in a row saying the same msg..And he said i not happy also no need to send 3 msg mah..he added that i am sick maybe becos i ate too much mooncakes or study too much!!but u know rite, i dun even hav the intention to blame him tat i was sick becos of him.I was juz playing with him & he sae tat i not happy liao..wa lao wat on earth is tat!!!!!!!!!! FINE...After tat, i decided not to talk to him n shut my mouth up..wat for sia...i dun feel like talking anymore..i started crying becos of him..i never cried for guys b4 n i swear tat i will never cry 4 those stupid guys but looks like i broke my promise. reali, i never had tat kind of feeling b4..though b4 tis i like many guys b4 n i never cried for any of them..looks like tis time i am truely in deep luv...i had no mood to listen to lectures todae and my mind was totally switched off.started to tink of wat happen again n cry, but i hold bac my tears..i dun wan ppl to ask me why i am crying..
then at sgh, doctor sae tat has any of my kins died of any illness b4. yes, my grandpa died of stomach cancer..he sae tat my % of getting it is veri little becos i am still young n is impossible to develop "stones".I am reali scared. if i reali contracted stomach cancer then i wouldnt wan to live anymore..reali..lets pray hard tat i 'll be ok n all these problems wont surface again..mama ask me"u crying arh?"then i sae "no".Yes, actually i am crying becos of wat the doctor saes and wat happen todae...when i write tis diary feel reali better, duno why.ya if i got more problems i will write to u..off to do homework =(

something was bothering me..=(

sat was fun..went out with mo mo ren to study from 2 to 6pm.Did onli maths and studied phy abit.After which, we went to Labourer park to slag until 9pm..Gosh!!Guess wat happen that nite?terrible man..i got my first "k" there suddenly without me getting to realise it.This was a shock to me...i cannot take it but juz to laugh and everything stops..And ya, on my way to arena bk there,XXX sort of know that something was bothering me.Yes, he was rite,but i told him"nothing happen lah"Diary u tell me how to sae that something was bothering me and ignore me when u are realli busy.How to sae tat i think i reali canot communicate well with u probably becos of our large differences in age gap.Also, how to tell him tat i am reali sian and tired of the relationship already..Everytime i muz take the initiative to msg u.i reali sian already..can't u juz take tha initiative instead?and so on and on...

some sudden thoughts

hai~~yesterday was a terrible day..reali...R was giving us that black face and i reali hate it...she is pissed off with we all laughing...and she said"at the rate u are doing we canot even finish at ten"...when i hear it...i was so angry...wat's wrong with laughing man???and who is she is to tell mi not to laugh???ass...i mood was terribly bad...and juz wanted a person to tell my trouble to...but there was no one...and worse i had to go bac with R in the same train...wat the hell !!
ya todae thought of xxx...duno why i feel that our relationship has drifted...we seldom talk and now i reali feel that there is no point having a him...i dun reali understand him duno wat he like...and everything...at least i feel that i know much more abt my class boys than him...sometimes i reali feel like ending this relationship but i dun wan to hurt ppl...hai~~wat should i do???i am already so stress up with my sch work and i reali dun hav time for him....maybe lets nature takes its couse...if reali i canot take it...maybe i will do something....ya i admit tat initally i take him for granted but now i think that my affection for him has build up....but i reali feel that we have nothing to talk abt...maybe our age gap is too big liao...maybe we shouldnt have started tis relationship...sometimes i reali regret wat i hav done...sigh=(

pain pain...

aiyo todae and yesterday suffering from pain duno why...i tink i reali got gastric liao...but the doctor never sae anything leh...she never sae i gastric so could it be others???but if i reali got gastric then why my stomach is bloting so much???like duno how many months pregnant like tat...pain and uneasy man...canot tahan liao...
todae is a cold day nice day to sleep ya but not bad now got chemistry !!!!!sian~~~

juz to drop a msg...

tis ac wanted to find my blog but too bad he canot find my blog sad man...but seriously there is reali nothing to read also cos there is one blog onli...

4 years friendship..

todae saw maril on the train (lakeside) i remember... feels that we do not talk that much now...i feel that our relationship has drifted...dunno why?? maybe becos we are now in different jc perhaps... but tat was sad 4 years of relationships like ended like tat...a bit disappointing lah...
reali miss fhs ppl esp maril,yihui, wanyi, xueling and my jjc frienz... canot forget the enjoyable time i spent with them... that day teachers day went bac to fhs...i saw xueling.. we talk a lot esp on boys girl relationship...i realise that so many ppl has a partner after so many months not with them...some was quite shocking to see them together haha i must sae...

hai~sad day..

today some sort have a "talk" with my parents..they were wondering why i have change so much after i went jc..they said that because of my frienz have influence me and nowadays i get very easy angry with them..i realli feel that they dont trust me anymore...they search my bags and stuffs everyday esp my mum and i realli feel there is no pravicy..sometimes i realli get peace off with them and scold them but i realli dun wish to do tat one..i had no choice..some more i get so much stress from sch and i realli think they should understand mi..=(