~today just feels sad ~

               I have been missing blogging for some time..went for holidays to BKK and Jakarta in may and june and now its aug..well, today seems to be a really sad day, thus i thought of pending down my thoughts and feelings. 

            today went to JB with bf and everything is just very sian cos he is tired and i do understand that. Not that i dun understand but its just the same feeling that i always get...he is just like a dead robot to me today. So when i was catching the train today for home, i saw a few couples so sweet and loving and seeing how the guy treats the girl really touched me and i felt so envy of them...So, when i feel something like that, i can sense that something is very wrong... Somehow i feel the fire between us has died..really died...he doesnt treat me as well as before and i dun love him as much as i do in the past..Everything also need remind and request from him..Is that what a role a bf should display? If everytime also need request then i will start to think if you are my friend or am i your gf?? the line isnt clear.. If i am your gf then everything that is done has to come from your heart and not when i request then you do it for it. Well, its really tiring in the long run because sometimes i do think if i really need you as my bf or not. Or rather its better off staying single? qns like these just ponder through my mind...

         BFF asked me one qn. So do you treat him as your buddy companion or lover? honestly i myself get an ans from myself..i told her i duno...so i posed this qn to him and he said of cos he treat me as lover..BUT why doesnt i feel that you treat me as your lover lehhhh?? Is my expectation too high or what??? Nooo wat cos i am just a simple girl with not much expectation.

        All in all, i am just upset and sad over this when i chatted with my colleague over msg. Alrights he just random came along so i opened my heart to him. Haiz sooooo sad duno what can i do to rekindle the sparks back..BFF keep saying that i need to remind myself i am attached and not happily talk to other guys when i am alrdy attached, thus giving other guys chance to woo me. I didnt have such intention really, but thats just my personality. I talk to whoever i am comfortable with. Sometimes, i did have thoughts of : hmmm, this guy got potential to be a nice bf...BUT>... well, all these thoughts did came into my mind and its wrong though, so i didnt think so much..

         Another bff once say: you are in a risky ship..If one guy suddenly take action to woo you, i can forsee your bf in a plunging state..Well, i laughed when i heard his comments..I wouldnt want to make comments on this because i know something which i wont do..i wont hurt people..i rather people hurt me rather than me hurting ppl..This is all i can say now..i will just suffer the pain myself..Well, its not as if i have suffered before. The pain is really very tong ku but after a yr i will heal..

            This issue has been ranting many many times for yrs and i still cannot find a conclusion. So tired already. Feels like escaping somewhere and just heck care abt relationships... Just wanna the freedom that i had last time. Get out of this bloody hse and lead my own life...love the life that i used to enjoy in china..travelling with no woes and leaving home for months..

             If only i can do this now...BUTTTTT ........

good bye

              good things always come to an end. Good bye... its been a nice one yr and hope you enjoy yourself abroad..i doubt i will be around after a yr when you return.. Indeed i am sad and reluctant to say good bye...well, time is all that is needed now to adapt to the days where i do not know you and get back to the days where i just entered this place..this place holds fond memories for me. Hope things will be good for you...my mood just feels really sad now even though i am typing this entry...well, thats life, people comes and go. Just gonna accept the fact and embrace that.

Shocked continues

                10 April marks something that is unforgetable in my mind...everything just happens too fast within half a hr til i couldnt take a breather and recall what actually happens. It seems like a dream but its not a dream cos its real ! well, my mind is still shocked over it and images keep recurring in my mind. i am brain dead now. Too confused and duno if my brain is really working properly now. I need get back to my rational self and think properly. Life is just full of ups and down and yea i am satisfied with my life now, apart for job satisfaction.. Other than that, i am blessed with a great bf who has been my bf, bff, everything for the past 3.5 yrs. i must think rationally now and dun any mistakes in life. My life is full of roller coaster rides that is tough and challenging. He call me brave and indeed i am cos i have a tough life since young. Not easy, thus i have to learn to be strong and independent to survive well.

         i hope to unclog this brain confusion soon.....a few more months i will leave this place and everything will be back to normal. Although abit reluctant to leave, but i need to start thinking about my future soon. I will miss everyone :( even his bff cos we recently got closer after attending LYK funeral as a company. He is quite sweet to remember my birthday.  :) well, people here are nice, which makes me reluctant to leave..i feel like home over here, unlike my first job...

~ i will slowly forget you... ~

            its been almost 2 mths since i last updated my blog. Well, i was pretty busy with life as usual. Full of ups and down..cant remembered what happen during in FEB. seems so vauge because not much stuff happen in FEB. Probably just valentine day and CNY. This year CNY i stayed at home through out because i needa rest. 

          March is a month of happiness and saddess..The apprasial and bonus that you gotten makes you upset. Well, life is never fair and i was quite upset with the fact that i was penalized for something that is not within my control. D&D went well in march. Was a happy occasion actually but didnt win anything..sianz..I am starting to go for interviews which is a go sign...but i am not really sure if i wanna leave this organization as i am happy with the place...well, time will tell..

         past few days i was shocked to know something..really unexpected..well, i really want slowly move away from XXX and forget his presence and return to the days where i duno him.. i dun want to feel sad when i leave this place..He and my colleagues will be remembered in this wonderful organization..Its been a few days and i still shocked over this fact...i really duno how to react..so i shall just slowly disappear.......

~A beautiful dream that i hope it will never stopped ~

                 things have been going well so far so gd..our dept partner's dinner went pretty smoothly and being the stage presenter to give out prizes though quite stress, but afterall it was a good experience because i doubt i will ever get a chance to give out prizes again with our CEO. Well, so it was indeed quite a memorable one although i was quite reluctant to be the stage presenter cos everyone will be shooting at you and i dun like that attention. After which went out to chill out with my colleagues and eye candy somehow came along too :) that night all of us had a great gathering at dempsy having ben and jerry ice cream. And i got to know my eye candy better. Overall that night was really enjoyable and happy because we colleagues rarely get to mix after work. Since this event brought us together, i felt really happy chilling out with them. Such nights are rare so i do cherish these happy moments.

             And Thur was a beautiful dream for me. Dont feel like waking up from that dream at all, but well, i guess wonderful memories always come to a stop. He jio me come back office that random thur to catch a show and since i am free and i am also going out, i agreed since its quite some time since i last saw him too. Actually when we were at the entrance stopped waiting to check our tickets, i was really scared to be recognised by other staffs because i was tagging behind him. In the first place, i shouldnt be seen mixing with him, but somehow this makes the whole process exciting and thrilling. The thrilling part is : not to let staffs that we know each other and everything have to be secret. Although that 40 min show didnt talk much, but it feels like a dream to me somehow. :( A dream that i wouldnt want to wake up from because i really enjoyed that moment. Actually i am not certain if i want him to stay far away from me or i hope he can talk to me..heart and mind just confused...

           Friday was kinda a  sad day for me becos of the appraisial that my manager gave me. It seems that i have deproved for my performance, which i find it unreasonable because i am doing more things and i am marked based on student MCQ post scores? little improvement from the students indirectly means that i cant teach? All these are the things that she inferred just on the student marks.seriously i dun find them justifiable. Although i know that i might not be a good teacher who can teach, but i am certain that i have improved. Thus, that day i was really upset after seeing how she grade me. But i was glad that my bff chatted with me and give me the moral support. Suddenly felt less depressed after chatting with him. At least he understands me...he seen how much effort i put in previously but just that my manager didnt see it. He is the only guy colleague that seen me crying previously when i failed my teaching assessment for 2 times. I think i just cant be a teacher. I guess i am just hoping to move on. However, not really sure if i se de leave this workplace. i kind of like this environement already. Or i dun want to leave for other reasons? I really hope that there will be calls soon.Whether i wan to leave or not after confirmed for a job, i will decide later. All i hope for now is to get some shortlisting.

            Mind is confused now.Hope to clear it soon ! suddenly too many things happening at one time :(

        

         

~so far yet so near~

            my luxury life slacking in office just ended cos sch has started and its time for me to go bac school to help out with the teachers :( well only downside is i have no wifi over there and the IT ppl seems reluctant to give me a guest account. Pls if i need not stay in school to clock hours, i wouldnt have to pester you for so many times to help me set up an account right..zzz seriously going there i feel like wasting my time doing nothing cos i am just waiting for wifi so that i can do some work.

         well, life still not busy as previously last time when my weekend are burnt..at least now the teachers are taking over most of the stuff so i have less responsibility and work to do. just needa settle all the logistic and help them prepare lesson stuff.

         actually this wk i was happy that he talked to me cos i am really bored alone in sch. no one to talk to, only 4 walls facing me. ;( and he chatted with me for a while so my time past really fast haha.but still i feel he is so far yet so near. cant openly talk to him like how i talk to my colleagues because he and me belong to different category or rather different rank so if i am seen close to him, then i will be in trouble cos people sure gossip. Thats why i always say he is so near yet so far. Well, at least i hope before i leave this organization ( one day ) can heck care abt everything and walk and talk openly like how i does with my male colleagues. Go walk around in exhibitions also no need discretly cos it makes me feel like we are having affairs..lolz but WE ARE NOT. just simply he is high profile so whichever ladies who are close to him sure kana. ;(

         oh well, i gonna keep up with my search for my dream job ! dun wish to leave this place cos i do love this place..if only there is opening now i can no need consider other options already...

hello 2015 !!

         i have MIA on blogging for almost 2.5 mths. Yes was pretty busy lately over the months. In 2014, did pretty lots of things..in Nov went for a holiday in ho chi minh..it was a nice place for awesome vietnam food but the irritating part was that we kept on getting con despite how much we tried to stay away from getting conned.Its dangerous taking cab over there because no cab driver could be trusted over there as they always cheat our money with tempered meter reading. Generally travelling with dear is fun because he is my tour guide :)

        cant really recall the major events that happened over the past 2.5 mths actually. Generally my eye operation went well. The eyes look really good now after abt 4 mths of healing. Looks normal now and the important part is my eyes look brighter and bigger now :) well 1.2k+ for a surgery plus xun bian makes the eyes bigger not really too bad..consider plastic surgery but oh well, its for health reason though..not really for beauty sake..i really dun have that courage to do it for beauty purpose unless its really for medical reason...

        2014 is also a yr of eating too much..i gained 2 kg after working in my current workplace.always got buffet and at night always meet bf so ended up eat much more than before when i was working at my ex company. ;( sianz it was so difficult to lose weight last time, but gain bac 2kg after 2 yrs of graduation..so now bo bian trying so hard to make an effort to run at least 2-3 times a week to burn calories, but it doesnt seemt to be helping !

        work wise going well pretty good. in fact too slack from oct til dec. well i am gg back to sch this tues onwards..no more slacking from now becos needa teach in sch now :( well, i like my current workplace now, but i dun really like my job scope. if there could be internal transfer, i might consider not leaving the organization..love the people there and i am a person who dislike keep changing jobs because i dun like adapting to new environment cos i prefer to stay in my comfort zone and sticking with colleagues of around my age. They are more fun loving and i feel happier around with them.haiz but i have many considerations in mind if i should move on to other jobs or not. Pay and job prospects is a big consideration. Afterall i need to build on a career, but to find any random jobs that came along. This is one thing that i was thinking abt recently. For the past 2 yrs, i am just taking jobs who took me in but i never thought long enuff if its possible to build a long term career..so i think its time i wake up my idea and start thinking hard..

      and now my workplace really have irritating people who dont do any work and just simply arrow people to do work for him and he claim the credit himself in front of boss..such downgrading people really makes me hate them. i hate people who dun do work and yet still got the cheek to take people work and claim its their credit..if one day he dares do this to me, i am sure give him hell. i am not a person to play around with although most of the time i am nice..i just cant tolerate such attitude..

       and its been really a long time since i talk and see him at work liao..maybe 1.5 mth? wonder how is he doing now.suddenly like lost contact after his super long annual leave..miss the gossip and talking rubbish with him..well, i am going back sch liao so wont even have much chance to even bump into him. maybe once a wk will be back to office and 4 other days will be in sch.Maybe afterall everything is a dream and it has gone back to where i used to be when i first stepped into the organization. He talking to me in the first place was a surprise and miracle to me already so ya wont hope for more. Moreover he is super busy unlike me always so free..Bye bye wonderful dream, you have been giving me smiles for the past 5 mths..its time to back to reality ;)

        these few months have been feeling kinda down over work and family members. Mum is a big big problem that really makes me wanna get out of hse. Cant stand her incorrigble attitude and biase for me. Always scold and find fault with me everyday. i am someone with super good attitude liao..if other people sure already leave this home. I am tolerating for another few yrs before i get my house and i am really out of this place forever ! work makes me sad because been hearing negative feedback. I am very certain i am not cut out to be a teacher so trying damn hard to improve now.

       hope 2015 will be a good year for me ! i need more luck with my job hunt. need to start building my career already. cant slack and idle around anymore. i need $$ for future house and marriage next time. Parents no $ to support me so gonna earn ever little cent myself. life been hard on me since young, so i learned to be independent and work hard since schooling days..teach piano and work during university and now looking for more lobangs !

     oh ya, in nov, i also went for modeling. second modeling in my life.lolz and guess who i met? my ex bf bff..totally unexpected and i didnt realise til she added me on fb. i guess life is just small ya.when we used to be together he told me wanted to intro me to her, but somehow didnt have the chance. End up met up each other at a modelling session. Well modelling is tough for me man. i cant pose well because body too stiff and i am camera shy and feels really reserve.But defintely a fun experience. Maybe need do a few times then i will be better at it liao. i can smile well but cant pose for some reason. Maybe i should just go for smile photoshoots that will be better.something that no need to pose one..

       ok good night, time for lalaland...will tmr a miracle? i hope so  =x