~visiting dental ~

anw this wk was kinda busy for me man..shit, duno wat i busy wif also man..tues was out for a hair cut at town then whole nite gone..thur was idling around doing nothing or rather the project meeting wasnt efficient at all..fri went ard eating buffet..sat and sun busy listening to online lect..haiz this sem my time mangement seriously damn screwed man..totally no time to relax, even though i am more hardworking than last sem..but bo bian cos this sem got 2 4 AU course to catch up..and i am seriously damn irritated cos once i managed to catch up one, the new ones will come..this is damn shitty man..

anw this coming wk gonna busy again..and tues ly ask me come down for dental..hehe of cos i say ok la, since he wants to clean my teeth for me, even though i kinda find it a chore to travel down there and its like super early at 8am ~! but i guess its worth while after getting a nice shiny teeth after polishing..hehe

anw at times i really wonder why he still single man, moreover its not like he has no looks like tat..his packs on his body is really SOLID man..and i dun believe none of the gers wont like him cos afterall he is those sporty kind and although he is not the most gd looking over there, but at least his looks is consider not bad if he were to compared to our sch student.hmmm..or maybe he is just too picky?? anw i tink he really got bian shuai over the yrs cos i see his old photos he doesnt seems to look gd..hehe

~i know i am crazy~

today sch reopen again ! haiz my routine life starts again..anw today i was kinda happy when eye candy wave to me..hehe at least he didnt pretend not to see me cos i always pretend not to see him, although i am well very aware tat i seen him..lol, moreover i am such an observant person, how can i see ppl. cos i really duno wat to talk to him sia, so pretend is the best... actually i didnt really see him waving to me, cos as usual i cant see clearly, then i started squeezing my eyes, then i was OHHH its HIM ! hehe

actually wanted to sit beside him de, but then later like too obvious, cos he has no friends to sit wif, so he sit wif strangers..anw today my friend say what's the occasion today? why u wear so nice? haha and my ans was i was wear like tat de wat..lol which is quite is true wat..i am going to dress up this sem since i have motivation this sem to dress nicely..i am going to change the cui and nuah dressing last sem..i must appear in top condition this sem ..LOL.

and u know today i thought i saw my ex in MACS..i was like omg, is tat U??? cos afterall he is someone tat i used to loved alot, and at times i stil pinned on the times tat he taught me stuff on life, cos he is the guy tat i will nv forget.. so i rushed over and pretended to buy food from subway, but i am still not sure if its him or nt, cos i cant see clearly..apparently certain angle, somewat he dun look like him, but still i cant forget him after all these yrs..i am yr 3 in sch alrdy..haiz why didnt i ever get a chance to see him even from far??? i guess fate just doesnt exist for us

~i feel like crying out now~

i feel like crying out now but somewat i couldnt cry out any tears..its been a long time i felt like crying, i guess its yrs tat i last cried cos afterall ppl like me dun cry easily.i tink nxt time i should reborn as a guy rather than a ger cos i feel tat i am more manly.not sure why i felt tat..but i feel damn stress now..project kinda screwed and i was kinda upset over the sentence tat this particular grp member said to me..true indeed tat he is smarter than me la, but then can u not be so direct..haiz this is really hurting to ppl, esp to ppl like me who alrdy has low moral liao..i guess lately i am kinda emotionally unstable..moods swing kinda bad..get emo easily..can i just leave SG for now and hinbernate? i feel tat going sch also meaningless..now i know why maril always dun wan go sch..agnes cant be always there after sch for me cos she will be graduating this yr..and nxt sem i will off for GIP...haiz wat can i do now..haiz at times i really hope tat i can talk to someone who is super mature and guidge me and give me advice..cos i hav been bottling up kinda lots of stuff in my heart..so feel kinda vexed at times..but at times i just couldnt be bothered..anw sometimes my attitude towards a person can be very cold at times and yes i am referring to him, cos i felt tat i am kinda stalked..watever it is, i just dun feel comfortable..everything tat i wore and do, he also notice, its just zzzz...cos i dun like..if u wanna notice me, then just dun TELL ME>.cos i dun wan to know..so tat i can be myself..watever it is i am just tired, so at times i might be snappy towards a person too..watever it is i am just trying to say tat i am bad mood now !

anw ytd nite i was really touched by agnes msg..thanks for spuring me on ! the msg really did motivate me ;)

~i am so stressed~

haiz today is alrdy thur ! and i have yet to start revising anything..and i still left so many online lect to catch up...nt to mention abt the project ! haiz i tink the 05 proj is just freaking wasting time.super emo now, cos doesnt seems to be able to finish my stuff one..and today project meeting was kinda not effective cos end up everyone was doing their own stuff rather than discussing how to start the proj..haiz 2 days in a row wasted my time..cos the day before went smu to do, but apparently i was too tired and couldnt concentrate cos the day before i didnt sleep at all.so yeah was freaking hell tired.at times i just felt tat i am damn useless in the grp cos apparently i cant really contribute anything..or rather most of them are just too smart liao ..i felt totally useless and dumb inside the grp..haiz...anw today met up wif agnes in sch..she look super tired too ! and she say my face look kinda stress up and pek chek..and i told ya indeed i am very pek chek cos it seems tat i always have endless things to do...and i am really getting really tired of it..anw nxt wk gonna met up wif playmate for dinner..hopefully he can help me destress abit..somewat this joker always make me happier wif his lame jokes..lol..

anw recently in tat wsc camp, this guy was saying tat i look like i am someone from takwando..lol i was wondering which aspect of me seems tat i am from takewando?? so he trying to say tat i very muscular and strong? LOL ..honestly speaking i cant see myself being a takewando member..i guess perhaps i am kinda big size and look like someone who can protect myself..but anw i asked him in return, i look sporty meh to be a takewando memeber..then he said ya abit..haha then i laughed out, then yc was down there who begged to agree, cos i am not really a sports person..but then i do exercise, but not those vigourous one la.once a while will play abit of sports when i feel like it.but i guess over the yrs i am getting more sporty, cos of my change in personality..sm also said tat among our clique, it seems tat onli me and hm looks sporty , the rest seems like they dun exercise, which is very true ! LOL. alrights, perhaps i need to tanned more..

~the camp is just boring ~

ytd went for the camp, forgo my uni chalet cos i paid for the camp so just go lo..dun let my money go to waste..wah honestly speaking, i was damn bored..i keep kana foreit cos i cant be bothered to play and concentrate on those rythem games.and my foreit was to talk on the stage and say hello to everyone in the camp..wa lao super duper pei seh cos i became the attention of everyone..and i dun really like playing these lame games..i prefer something that is more interactive tat requires ppl to move ard so tat we can get more bonding. lol i tink i maybe more suited to join those sports cca cos at least i wont be bored out..wah seriously i can imagine tat i am actually the oldest in the grp..actually one look from my face can see alrdy..all those gers and guys are super young looking la..i am like some da jie to them..lol seriously i cant ask for more since i joined cca too late at yr 3 ! but at least my grp got one cute guy, so not too bad..haha at least got someone to look at..

anw just to side track abit..cos wt was asking me wat i wore on last fri tat those guys felt tat its sexy..honestly speaking, i dun tink its sexy leh..i tink its just very beach wear only..and sometimes i cant really differeniate wat is sexy and normal to me in terms of dressing, so i am kinda random in my dressing at times..when i free like dressing up i will dress up..if i sian then my dressing will shows tat i super dress down..anw actually i didnt realised tat my dressing was tat sexy til my friend said tat " wah today you so sexy ah !" haha then i laughed out saying " really meh?" cos i dun tink so..anw it has proven when my eye candy did turned bac openly and boldly to look at me when i walked past cos i caught him looking at me ! but i tink probably its becos his clique of friends were talking abt me tat's why he turned bac..initally i wasnt tat sure cos i thought they are looking at some pretty ger cos i was walking behind a pretty ger ma.so i thought tat perhaps i tink too much.but apparently his clique of guy friends too oblivious liao la..REALLY NO SKILLS, cos i can sense tat they are looking at me..or rather i should praise myself tat i have gd observance skills.. ;) cos i always like to observe ppl and perhaps i guess i am kinda sensitive towards the environment..anw tat is something to be happy abt..at least my dressing is getting more UPS ! whee ;)

sian leh, almost half the recess wk is gone..i have yet to done my proj research and revise..die liao man..so many things to catch up.

~not sure why lately i have been reflection alot !~

this few days doesnt seem to know why i tink so much man..i cant figure out too ! anw it can be a gd thing tat i am starting to reflect abt life once a while..perhaps sometimes wanna slow down my footsteps to see where i have gone wrong and improve on it..life is always uncertain and i will nv know how things will go through my life...anw my friend was telling me abt her god father and i was wondering, who are actually my relatives ah? my parents nv showed or intro me to any of them since young, so i nv know who they are..looks like i am really someone who lives in my own world who duno who are my cousins, aunties and uncles and relatives..perhaps they do exist, just tat i duno who they are, cos afterall i came from a broken family who has totally broken ties wif my aunties and uncles..aiya seriously wat is so gd over snatching the money left behind by my grandma..and so wat those aunties and uncles are damn rich..i serioiusly cant be bothered..i am just contended wif my simple life...i am not really sure of the story why things turned out this way since i was really very young tat time..

and i was counting how many close friends in mind, and i could count it in my 10 fingers..seriously its pathetic..to me those hi bye friends arent really close as compared to close friends cos we hardly can talk xin shi to them..and i feel tat as we grow older our friends tend to spend lesser and lesser time wif u cos we will be busy wif their work..as such, ppl like me who are still studying get to see them less often now as most of my friends have alrdy stepped out of student life and stepped into another phase of life, which is the work life..i guess only through often meet up then we can only maintain our close friendship..well, student life has its own gd thing and bad thing, it depends on how we perceive.honestly speaking, i was really happy when the 3 of us sat down at CAN A to talk rubbish cos its really damn long when we really sat down for dinner..i guess such simple meals just make ppl like me easily contended...at times, i also envy ppl who has a bonded family as i nv felt this kind of strong bonding in my family..it seems tat everyone is living in their own world in my family..bro is overseas for so long, and most of the time he cant be bothered to call bac..mum and dad nv really sat down for a real proper dinner also, so ppl like me cant be bothered also since everything in the hse lacks unity and bonding..and honestly speaking, i nv eaten a proper dinner before where all the 4 of us gets to sit on the table having a simple meal..tat's just my life..which explains why many at times i am just super heck care abt life..so now i am trying to change my way of thinking and improve for the better..

anw tmr is the camp..honestly speaking i gt the same grp as him and i was also offered to go another grp also..haha didnt know i "so popular"...lol..anw i dun really feel like being in the same grp as him cos i feel awarkward cos afterall i used to be his eyecandy, though not sure now is it or nt..and its pretty weird esp if i have to dance mass dance wif him cos i duno any other guy liao..i would rather find a stranger to dance wif, at least i wont see tat stranger again..aiya duno lah..wat's the reason of going this camp? i guess i am just bored needa expand my social network of friends...

and seriously this recess wk i am totally damn damn busy and screwed..got super alot of online lect to catch up wif..project and assigment..roar, this is damn irritating ! and i am forever lagged behind one..seriously uni life just sucks..

~haiz~

ytd the girl chill out dinner at can A was defintely a gossip session..its been long since we last met up for dinner.esp yh, though i always say see agnes everyday and everywk..so we thought abt life and everything tat goes ard our life..not to mention certain guys tat we are kinda interested in..ytd we were counting, we left 5 more yrs for me and yh to enjoy, but agnes left 6 yrs..somewat we just wouldnt wan to be tight down so fast, cos all the 3 of us have the same sentiments..we enjoy the freedom life..sometimes i tink i am just partly influenced by peer pressure also, cos its just tat its just weird at times..seriously last time i cant be bothered , but i realised as i grow older my thinking starts to change..yeah now i guess i am understand how my ex felt tat time..i finally see the LIGHT now..aiya but stil i would say lets just leave things up to fate ba..sometimes just couldnt be bothered wif tat also..

anw i always thought tat i can survive alone, cos i am rather the independant type..but today i felt tat perhaps i doesnt have tat strong will to survive alone after all..i guess sometimes i feel down and perhaps tat could be the reason..though agnes shared the same route as me, but i tink she is kinda more kelian than me..and when i asked her, she said tat she is used to it alrdy..perhaps i should really pshycho myself tat "look u gonna get used to it no matter how hard it gonna be.."haiz..

~playing tennis for the first time!~

ytd was busy shopping after sch for FBT..and its cui max cos i wanted to buy coloured fbt but all doesnt seems to look gd for me..and bo bian, after tat finally got black fbt cos it looks slimmer for my butt..lol

and today joined tennis wif eye candy..i must say he and D played really well..got the seh man, but then i damn cui, cos i got problem starting the ball also..actually i was at one corner practising cos i cant possibly played when i cant catch a single ball,..actually i talked more to D rather than him throughout the whole game..wa lao wat am i doing, i am supposed to know more abt him..but endedup talking cock more wif D..then he beside listening.lol..but at least i know him now..but duno why i suddenly feel less challenged when i know him alrdy..last time when i duno him, i have the motivation wanting to know him, now tat i know him, i feel nothing at all, the motivation has died..but this guy have to really know him more before i can decide if i really like him..cos first interaction cant really know much..

hopfeully today i am not tat clumsy when i was playing tennis..watever it is, i am just too cautious abt my physical attire and actions..cos need to leave gd impression...

~chances are created for me but i just dun dare faced it ~

sun nite was online til 3am..cos i came online at 12am to do my GIP thingy..then after tat chatted wif D til pretty late..he was saying tat eye candy goes for looks, which explain why they are buddies..when i hear tat, then i half sian alrdy cos i am not even chio..so chances not high alrdy..so i kinda give up hope alrdy...cos u know i am a person who knows my limits one..cant get de, wont try hard to get cos i feel no point also..but D has been trying to create chance for me to get close to him for instance this mon, but then i was scared to face up to eye candy..honestly, i duno why also..and partly i have headache and the nxt day i have CA also..so i really thought very long thinking if i should go or nt cos i really struggling inside my heart sia, cant decide...actually headache is just 20% excuse tat i cant go..its more like 80% i am scared to meet up wif eye candy, so i decided not to go..actually for me, usually headache is no kick for me..i can even go running when i am sick, let alone its just a small headache..in fact i am just lying to myself la..when i msg D saying tat i not coming cos i headache, he ask me not to come also cos nxt day gt CA..since he say i shouldnt come liao when i am sick, so i followed his choice tat he made for me..LOL. i tink funny is he still persuaded eye candy to come for tennis lesson but i choose not to go eventually cos i was very hesistant..and this thur he tried creating chances for me again..seriously this time i am really tempted to go..but i am really scared i would a make myself pei seh when i cant even start the ball ! wa lao heart feels like going, but dun dare go and learn from them. though D says he can teach me for foc and i can teach him piano for foc also...seriously i tink i need more courage..how how how????

and tat nite D was saying tat can see very obvious tat i am not very confident of my looks..and i told him yes..duno why also..perhaps i am someone who has low esteem..watever i do also no confidence de..and it applies to studies, looks and watever thing i do..and i guess probably since young my mum always compared me wif my bro and i do feel inferior and lousy as compared to my bro..to my mum, my bro is way better than me, which is very true la..and perhaps over the yrs it has became a physchology thing liao..and i guess perhaps my clique always comment at my attire, so somewat i feel cui inside.and became quite sensitive over the yrs esp when it came to dressing..aiya i duno also lah..i myself not even sure why i am not confident in myself also..perhaps i really need someone who can giv and physcho me with more confidence..cos i tink i alrdy lost half the battle to myself when i have no confidence in myself..sigh...this is bad..

today i just finished CA too and the recess is just few days from now..shoik..i tink i need to destress abit and piah on my project..sian my project i can only say i am super super lost..duno where and how to start from..lqm how? if tis thur i wanna go, i have to set a perfect image cos i dun wan to look cui outside since he go for looks..so the more i should look more sporty wif my GOLD hair..

today tinking bac wat my mum said.she was saying i am very ah lian cos of my GOLD hair, but then i really like my GOLD hair now..hehe and ytd i was feeling really down also..duno why..suddenly feel like crying, but no tears for me to cry..haiz and ytd suddenly feel like playing squash so tat i can unleash my emotions all at one go..or a punching bag also not bad also..aiya ytd i was just feeling very down..not sure why either..certainly not becos of guys nor studies..and plus i am someone who wont feel sad over guys except for my ex whom left a big impact over my life and yes i did drop tears for him..the rest NONE, cos they have yet to left a great impact on my life..lol..

but anw today i feel better le..duno why somewat i feel tat the happy go lucky qm is losing her shine gradually..not sure why too ! her radiant smile is not as chan lan as before..

~why u keep appearing in front of me??~

aiyo aiyo aiyo, why this guy keep appearing right of me?? wherever i go also bump into him, i was really scared tat this diamen told him somthing tat he shouldnt know..mon, bump into his grp of friends outside the guy's toilet...so i pretend to fake fake talk to my grp mate abt the project cos he was just beside me..so he did stand there for a while, and i tink after a few mins he abit pei seh to stand down there to listen to our convo, so he went to the water cooler to refill his water..lol..i wanted to engage him into the convo but he left..then mon after lect bump into him again..so qiao cos i thought he should have gone training with damien le..so i was taking a look out for damien, but he wasnt there..

then today was raining really heavy and 02 test was in the morning at 9.30am.so i decided to leave hse earlier as i dun wan to carry umbrella in the heavy rain.. then so qiao again bump into him..seriously wherever i go also see him..he did took a glance of me for a few sec and i did looked at him for a few sec too ! wanted to smile to him, but i dun dare !!! so forget it liao man..emo ;(

and i asked if mon slot for tennis still got vanacies or nt then he tell me no more alrdy..wa sian, cos how would i knew tat his friend who joined tennis was actually my eye candy..how would i know the world is so qiao and its daimen who keep jio-ing me into this tennis playing, but i was budget-ing abt the $105..now regret also no use liao..and now duno if the tennis still wanna take us in or nt la..emo ;(

this sun got CURL orientation sia..still thinking if i wanna go or nt..like damn sian man cos its a grp of young mei mei and di di, go liao also waste my time cos i also dun enjoy..i bet the games they play sure damn lame one..i was alrdy damn sian when they played the seven wonders, cos i played countless of times le man..

~i must be crazy to chat with him for so long~

i tink things have been pretty funny..cos recently kept bumping into agnes in the library..honestly, i tink both of us click really well..talk alot of rubbish and laugh like no one business..if i have entered into uni the same yr as her tat will be gd man, but sadded, i entered 2 yrs later..so i asked her :" eh where's ur friends?? then she thought for a while, saying who are actually her friends in uni.." wa this sounds really bad..perhaps i am lucky aleast i do have a uni clique of friends, else i sure emo and damn sad one..but apparently she dun feels anything at all..hmm..

then thur went to teach chemistry for my student as her N level are coming in this mon..apparently both of us click really well though of our 7 yrs age diff..cos she was saying " come, piano teacher let's study together even though of our huge age diff and topics tat we chat.." then i laughed out, cos she is just funny la..so tat nite stayed til 10 plus and her mum book a taxi home for me..kinda nice of her, but seriously tat area is an industrial area, so basically u can see any females after work office..all would be the blanga ppl..so i would be a be scared too la..

then fri nite which was ytd i cant imagine tat i actually talk rubbish to tat damien from 11.30pm-3.30am.crap man, we talk 4 hrs of really crap..i cant believe this..he told me smt, he says life is short, so just go for him..wa lao why is everyone telling me all these..cos i myself not really certain if i like him or nt, cos i nv talk to him before...i need to know his character first before i can decide if i like him or nt..and tat damien wanted to help me out during their tennis training, which i tink will make things worst ! cos u know wat kind of person i am what..if the person knows tat i like him, i will sure avoid and siam him..cos i am seriously too shy and pei seh to face him.. and moreover if he likes me just becos i like him, then it will be worst, cos i dun like tat kind of feeling..aiya watever just hope tat damien dun make things worst can alrdy..if not i can really jump down the river alrdy !