sun nite was online til 3am..cos i came online at 12am to do my GIP thingy..then after tat chatted wif D til pretty late..he was saying tat eye candy goes for looks, which explain why they are buddies..when i hear tat, then i half sian alrdy cos i am not even chio..so chances not high alrdy..so i kinda give up hope alrdy...cos u know i am a person who knows my limits one..cant get de, wont try hard to get cos i feel no point also..but D has been trying to create chance for me to get close to him for instance this mon, but then i was scared to face up to eye candy..honestly, i duno why also..and partly i have headache and the nxt day i have CA also..so i really thought very long thinking if i should go or nt cos i really struggling inside my heart sia, cant decide...actually headache is just 20% excuse tat i cant go..its more like 80% i am scared to meet up wif eye candy, so i decided not to go..actually for me, usually headache is no kick for me..i can even go running when i am sick, let alone its just a small headache..in fact i am just lying to myself la..when i msg D saying tat i not coming cos i headache, he ask me not to come also cos nxt day gt CA..since he say i shouldnt come liao when i am sick, so i followed his choice tat he made for me..LOL. i tink funny is he still persuaded eye candy to come for tennis lesson but i choose not to go eventually cos i was very hesistant..and this thur he tried creating chances for me again..seriously this time i am really tempted to go..but i am really scared i would a make myself pei seh when i cant even start the ball ! wa lao heart feels like going, but dun dare go and learn from them. though D says he can teach me for foc and i can teach him piano for foc also...seriously i tink i need more courage..how how how????
and tat nite D was saying tat can see very obvious tat i am not very confident of my looks..and i told him yes..duno why also..perhaps i am someone who has low esteem..watever i do also no confidence de..and it applies to studies, looks and watever thing i do..and i guess probably since young my mum always compared me wif my bro and i do feel inferior and lousy as compared to my bro..to my mum, my bro is way better than me, which is very true la..and perhaps over the yrs it has became a physchology thing liao..and i guess perhaps my clique always comment at my attire, so somewat i feel cui inside.and became quite sensitive over the yrs esp when it came to dressing..aiya i duno also lah..i myself not even sure why i am not confident in myself also..perhaps i really need someone who can giv and physcho me with more confidence..cos i tink i alrdy lost half the battle to myself when i have no confidence in myself..sigh...this is bad..
today i just finished CA too and the recess is just few days from now..shoik..i tink i need to destress abit and piah on my project..sian my project i can only say i am super super lost..duno where and how to start from..lqm how? if tis thur i wanna go, i have to set a perfect image cos i dun wan to look cui outside since he go for looks..so the more i should look more sporty wif my GOLD hair..
today tinking bac wat my mum said.she was saying i am very ah lian cos of my GOLD hair, but then i really like my GOLD hair now..hehe and ytd i was feeling really down also..duno why..suddenly feel like crying, but no tears for me to cry..haiz and ytd suddenly feel like playing squash so tat i can unleash my emotions all at one go..or a punching bag also not bad also..aiya ytd i was just feeling very down..not sure why either..certainly not becos of guys nor studies..and plus i am someone who wont feel sad over guys except for my ex whom left a big impact over my life and yes i did drop tears for him..the rest NONE, cos they have yet to left a great impact on my life..lol..
but anw today i feel better le..duno why somewat i feel tat the happy go lucky qm is losing her shine gradually..not sure why too ! her radiant smile is not as chan lan as before..
No comments:
Post a Comment