i was listening to jay chou song and started crying..duno know why normally i used to like the song so much tat i enjoy it but yesterday i juz feel veri sad..i know tat wee ping quite concerned abt it now..was quite touched..yan hui also asked me wat happened to me as my eyes were swollen..she knew tat i cried alot..and she experienced tat b4..i am tired of crying already..first time i cried so much for days..eyes were super pain and hot..having headache and slight fever for the last 2 days but nobody knows tat..not even my mum..cant even sleep well..keep waking up between intervals..mum keep asking me why i cry everyday, but i ignored her..i know she quite gd lah..but seriously i am juz too tired to talk..hopefully i can recover veri soon..yan hui took 1 months to be ok, as for me i reali duno..it reali hurts a lot..maybe this is a learning experience for me ba..falling in luv is easy but letting it go is difficult..i reali want a holiday from everything..i am too tired and stress to do anything now..i am totally dead now..juz like a dying person..all i know is cry juz like someone close to u has left..juz like my grandma tat time..even though i onli talk to her once..but when she died i reali cried for a nite even though she wasnt veri close to me..then mum keep scolding me yesterday..veri soon, i will go crazy..i canot take it already..lectures cant reali absorbed well..my level of absorbant has decreased alot ever since tat day..i know i cant be like tat any more, but my brain juz dun wan to listen to me..whenever i am alone or not occupied or busy, i juz start imagine things..then i would start crying scretly, not letting ppl know tat i cry..seriously, i am more sad than tat time i retained..i tok 1 day to recover becos i did look on the bright side..but why cant look on the bright side this time???why??why??crying out doesnt solve anything and my broken heart..so wat should i do??i reali wan to get over it but i reali seems veri veri difficult..
am i such am unlucky person tat gd things always leave me??whoever with me will me unlucky..secondary sch did so badly for the O levels and i was so sad and i juz couldnt accept the fact tat i hav to go yjc and my friends were able to go jjc..tat was my first breakdown..second breakdown was last yr..i was retained and i juz canot bear to leave my friends .., some more failed my piano exam, wasted my father hard earned money..also i went for the scope as i was continously sickbecos of my stomach..this yr, i am experencing BGR and stress problem from all over the place...maybe god juz wanted to torture me becos i always scolded god for bluffing ppl..maybe this is my retribution..=(
yesterday, at least mr smiliy did make me smile at tat point of time..i wasnt so sad tat time..juz know tat his smiling reali make me smile and cheer up..
then next wed(13/4/05), our class will go fort siloso for class outing in the morning..after which we hav to go bac sch for cca..but tat day mr wong cancelled the meeting so i will be left alone again..yan hui they all will be going bac sch..hai~~i reali feel like sitting at the beach looking at the waves and sit at one part of the beach to console myself and at least i might feel better..i wish tat reali someone can accompany me, be it a ger or guy..i wish i could reali stay there til late evening b4 i go home..but i dun think anybody will be free..j2 ppl will be at sch studying, the rest has to go bac sch..my only wish tat there is this person who can sit with me juz doing nothing..all he or she needs to do is juz to keep silent and accomapany me..if like tat i will be veri contented already..this is my only 18th birthday wish for now..although it sound stupid, but reali i hope tat my wish can reali be fufiled..
i hav never celebrated my birthday b4 except when i was young tat time..hopelfully this yr i get to celebrate..thinking of tat, i am nearing 20s liao..hai~time flys reali fast..last yr i didnt celebrate my birthday,..all i can remeber clearly tat on 14/4/04 i went down to great world city to see the mm competition since i didnt help my juniors tat time..so i went there after sch to see them..tat day, maril, yi hui and wan yi recalled my birthday and i was so touched..so last yr tat was how i spent tat day..seriously i had fun going there cos is like i long time never see them already..still remeber bobby was quite surprised tat i came alone..cos he didnt know tat i was in different sch with them..he did talk to me but i feel veri awarward..maybe he is my so called "ou xiang" in the past..
hai~~then todae i almost feel like crying again and i controlled my tears..reali feel veri terrible..wonder how my friens get over it..and duno why i juz start crying out when i am writing my blog..i cant cry forever..then todae i juz get to know tat miss lim is my physics teacher..i am glad tat i hav her..i was thought by her last yr but i didnt cherish her..i didnt do my tutorials..all i did was to copy wat she wrote..i reali regret liao..then after sch me and yan hui find her after sch cos we hav questions to ask her..seriously i think i veri stupid..she explained so many times b4 i understood..maybe i am juz slow in learning..hai~~then when i was teaching me tat time, she suddenly said tat the word 'nuah" and made me recalled of him..which is his favourite word..hai~~
i am reali veri tired now..how how??wat am i supposed to do now..nobody can help me onli i can help myself now..i reali wan to smile again..but i juz cant smile like wat i did in the past..all i know tat my smile has been a fake one..i smile juz becos i dun wan to look glum..
then tat tanu was talking to rasiyah abt my birthday plan in the morning when we go sch togther..and i overheard wat they are talking..then tanu still dare to gei siao sae nothing..still dare to sae todae the sun veri bright..seriously i am reali touched lah..yan hui so quite gd to me also..she was consoleing me and cheering me up..i appreaciate tat..but i juz cant cheer up even after wat she saes..but i did smile for wat she does to show my appreciation for her..i shoulnt let her feel tat she has done nothing for me..
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