~vesak day~

yesterday went out for the entire day for the whole afternoon cos my parents wanted to bring we all out to temple to pray.i went along since i wanted to pray hard for my appeal, hopefully tat they can accept me.hai~so yesterday the temple was reali crowded with ppl..got youngsters ranging to old man and old ladies..then yesterday the temple also have "Free buffet" for everyone.yeah, so everyone ate until quite full..after which went to jp with my mum to shop.and yes i did bought 2 shirts again as usual cos its on sale and singapore sales are on again, so it is a gd time to shop for clothes since its cheap now. i also saw justin, so he smiled and waved to me =)..hai~weekend i shall think of how to write my appeal for NUS though chances are just reali slim.hmm..but nevertheless i will still try my luck and maybe choose those dumping course ba, but the problem is i dun know any dumping course for NUS..

~have been slacking lately~

lately have been busy with doing the appeal thingy, so sort of neglected my studies somehow..i try to put in my best for watever i wrote, if they reali dun accept then i think i will give up le..at least this time round i put 100% effort in doing research and who should i look for..hai~~~i feel tat life is so stale now..i hardly got the mood to do my homework at all, duno why and once sch reopens i have lots of exams coming up and it seems to me tat i dun reali care abt it, maybe i am used to having exams liao until i dun even bothered abt such minor things.though they sae tat the minimum requirement not to go for tat stupid self revision program is to pass all subjects including gp and i belive tat i will confirm be one of them cos i knew i cant pass my gp at all..every since i return bac to sch, my gp grades became even worst as before..oh man, like tat i also duno how lah..once term 3 starts, i will busy like mad, i believe tat after tat most of the days i will not do my revision cos by the time i reach home, i will be dead beat and moreover my piano exams coming in july..hai~got so many things to handle lah..like tat i like i reali canot take it cos i cant concentrate so many things at one go..i have to give up either things, either my studies or piano exams.actually sch holidays has started but we still have 2 weeks of lessons, damn sian man and moreover all the lessons are so sian and long man, sometimes i just switch off when i am so tired sitting down there for long hours...
todae's dinner is cancelled..hmm..somehow feel disappointed cos somehow got chance to gather together after quite a no yrs since we last gathered for a dinner but someone is not free so bo bian, have to cancel..if they want to organise some other time, probably i might not be able to make it le cos once holidays end i will super busy.for the time being, i am still quite available.i feel tat its a pity tat UNSW has closed down..initally i wanted to consider tat sch de cos they have the course tat i wan, but too bad fees too ex, much more ex than SIM, so cant afford it then have to forgo my dream of going uni..it seems tat going to uni is not easy, u need to be quite smart in your studies, otherwise u will be lagged behind..moreover with the closer of tat sch, they will fight for places with us..this yr tat dragon baby batch is damn competitive and with these students fighting for places, i even stand no chance to appeal to go in..maybe i am just tat unlucky to take the exams last yr.

~why am i crying this few days??~

maybe i am kinda stress out over the past few days tat i cried..not to sae tat my mum keep creating troubles for no reason..hey man, i am already damn vexed and upset over the entire thing and she keep rubbing salt on my wound and keeps saying sacastic things to me..she keeps saying tat i have come to this end partly becos i am unfilial to them so heaven is punishing me..wat sort of rubbish man..ok, it might be the truth tat i am unfilial to my mum but not my dad wat..i always dun like my mum cos all along she is biased towards me and give me tat kind of attitude, so i just treat her bac the way she treats me (though i know tat it's wrong la"maril told me tat i am be like tat forever wat..true enough tat i cant be like wat i am now, but i reali guess i need more time to think over and convinced myself..for now, i just couldnt convinced myself tat i can do it again cos i have reali lost faith in myself after so many times of failure and i guess its not easy to find bac my confidence when i used to have when i was in my j1 repeat days.

homework is stacking up higher and higher day by day and i just dun have the time to do it partly becos when the momenti reached home i got veri tired and after which have to play my piano (cos i was forced by it), afterwhich usually tend to get veri sleepy and next, i will fall asleep til the next day..i am reali sick of such life liao and how long can i offically leave this sch cos i reali cant wait to get out of this sch.my mum met a ger yesterday and she asked the ger wat she got for her A levels cos my mum saw her holding the graduating cert book and she did worst than me..so my mum asked her why she dun wan to repeat?she replied tat the life is tough and she didnt want to go bac to the days..imagine her sch is so near her house lah, then me leh? super far a way, shouldnt i be more kelian than her? i duno, i just feel damn pathetic given the conditions i am in now..

~i have lost hope and faith in myself~

fri i stayed bac sch to type out my appeal form and ended up i spent like 3.5hrs sitting in front of the comp but yet didnt reali think of a solid and gd eassy of 50 words..i never spent such a long time for such tiny eassy, but this time round i reali give my best shot cos whether i can go in partly has to depend on this short and tiny eassy..i feel tat the 50 word limit is just too little, cant reali convey wat i wish to convey to the person too..so the point is to write straight to the point and dun add rubbish and crap in it..so i went online asking people for opinions of how should i go abt writing.they told me tat sincerity is veri impt, but how should i bring across tat sincerity in the eassy? it seems reali difficult for me and i sat there pondering abt how should i write with an honest and open heart.at the same time, i was talking to ch abt how are things going in our lifes and all those.

sat's morning my mum and dad kept bothering me with the appeal form and they want me to send the appeal form as soon as possible but i told them tat i need ppl to edit it for me before sending mah, else my english is not up to standard.so i got fed up with my dad so he just dun listens to me and i am just pissed cos i am feeling veri terrible liao and u ppl keep creating problems for me..then dad sae tat my eassy is typical way of writing so he sae tat i shouldnt send my draft, so he wrote a draft in chinese and i translate it in english and its sucks lah..i spend so much time looking for chime words in the dictionary and after the translatioin everything just seems weird la..it ended up to be like a comical eassy rather than a serious and sincere eassy.so eventually my dad got my ex tutor to help me with the eassy and yes she is a teacher now so naturally her english is good and when she sent me the eassy i was shocked by the words she use cos its obvious tat i cant wrote this kind of gd eassy and its obvious tat my style of writing does not belong to tat..anyway she email me lots of things other than the eassy, in fact i know tat she is quite concern abt me cos she knows tat its hard to communicate with my parents considering tat they are traditional ppl and they dun listen to me..she knows tat i am in a fixed position now as to where should i head to..she saes tat though its easy to sae tat there are actually other path available but eventually its still up to me whether i wan to continue on or not..and yes it is not easy and many at times i just try to avoid thinking abt this issue becos the moment i think abt it then i will get veri upset and confused and lost..though its not right to avoid the issue cos anyway its a matter of time tat i need to decide on a stand, but somehow for the time being i am just going through life day by day without any future plans of wat i wan to do..

then later in the afternoon went for piano lesson and the session became into a counselling session instead of a piano lesson..if my mum knows tat she is going to scream at me cos it wasted $70 plus just to talk during the lesson..many of my teacher's students can go uni but i cant..hai~so she asked me wat i want to do if i cant get in? i told her i duno..then she asked again "then wat do u like?" i also gave her the same ans.."i also duno.." it seems tat i also have no idea of wat i want in future and everything seems so vauge to me..its also seems to me tat i dun even understand myself then how should i expect ppl to understand me rite? she told me tat i shouldnt be the way i am now cos i am no longer young le and i am reaching the age to marry in 7 yrs time and ur parents cant take care of u forever, so its time tat u need to think abt wat u wan..i reali did thought abt it but somehow couldnt come out with an ans..maybe i am just a useless fellow..she feels tat staying on isnt a way out too cos i cant guarantee tat i can do well this yr..so her suggesstion is to go poly and she feels tat i shouldnt follow ppl in the sense tat now all my friends are going uni, but i shouldnt go uni just for the sake of going in, instead i should do something i like..

sun afternoon was busy retyping the final draft for the assy again.after which maril call to talk to me cos terence told her to comfort me..oh man, i was so touched when i knew tat cos i didnt know abt tat..i was just being insensitive tat i thought tat he is ok but somehow maril told me tat actually he is not ok..maybe i just like to see things from the surface tat's why neglected his feelings..afterwhich received a msg from yi hui cos she sae tat tse hao wanted a dinner on wed nite, asking are we guys free or not..hmm..i duno if should i go or not cos mood still haven feel better and moreover it seems to be like a celebration but somehow i dun belong there cos i also cant go in uni wat..aiya duno lah, i shall see how first..this week have quite a no of programms, fri going out with my ex jc friends, wed nite still deciding..

~so the whole class has knew abt it le..~

todae when i was talking to my classmate, he said :" u didnt get accepted by the local uni ah??" then i said "Huh? how u know de.." he said tat ms lim told the class during the time when i went to the toilet on tues.."she told the class to be sensitive of watever they sae..haha, true indeed tat tues i was reali feeling down due the results, i guess she has seen true me wat i was feeling so she told the class to be sensitive of watever they sae..i wont blame her for telling the class cos anyway they will know it either sooner or later de..no wonder thinkin back, nobody asked me for tat when previously some of them would ask if i have gotton the posting..now i see..i guess nobody dares to ask me cos they scared tat i will be upset..afterall such things have to accept eventually, its just a matter of time tat i will take to accept..but thinking bac, i reali think my tutor is just reali nice..whenever i do somethings just are not right and she dun scold me at all..sometimes feel guilty ah..i guess for this yr, many of my friends didnt manage to go local uni cos most of them cant go in even with average grades..hai~~if i were to continue on and the appeal isnt successful, then i have to go bac to the old days when lessons ends veri late and worst things are i need to study everything over again..and i hate tat feeling when sch is so niao in giving us time to study for A levels and prelims and one thing i dun like with the sch is they some up with all sort of rubbish extra special programmes mainly for students who dun do well and they have to attend such programs just to do their self revision..i reali hate such things cos i dun see the point in doing tat cos i feel tat students can study on their own wat, why must force them to study in sch..i feel tat tat is the best solution to watever they are suggesting..

was also talking to ch todae online, its been long since we last chatted with each other..its gd for him tat he managed to go into NTU..but where am i?? still ever stuck in sch..hai~~

~hai..i think i am reali fated to stuck in sch le~

yesterday cm was telling me tat ppl with grades like acc also canot get in uni..oh man, i reali duno how the 2 local uni allocate ppl de..cant be wat, my the other friend with exactly the same grade as her can get in but she cant..this is weird man..and i realised tat most of my friends cant go into local uni this yr..many of them are either going to SIM or either they worked for another yr then they sign up for uni next yr..yesterday mum was still saying tat i feel tat something is going to happen, and indeed it relai happens..so i went online to see my application results for NUS and indeed its true tat NUS didnt accepted me..i didnt get quite sad cos afterall i knew tat i cant get in de..so i shall pin all my hopes on the appeal for NTU le..i guess i reali need to try my luck on those courses which are less popular with students..for now, i reali cant take it tat i still have to stay on cos mum was still scolding yesterday for my bad results slip tat i got an F for my maths..she sae tat i might well dun continue on cos i repeat liao also see no gd grades and improvement..hai~~~

~i am totally lost in feelings now~

sigh...todae early morning when i was just going to go sch, dad talks to me..he says tat this time round u die die also must pass my piano exam , else u reali have no where else to go..sigh..i am so stress now..just have to wait for tat slight nope for NUS cos i have yet to receive the rejection letter from them and maybe should have alittle bit of hope..but mood wise still haven gotton any better, still feel tat sad cos it seems tat i find it hard to accept this fact..the NTU ppl sae tat actually i no need to retain de cos i should have go SIM..ya as if i duno like tat..money is the problem now..

~he consoled me tat nite~

yesterday received so many messages from my friends, many of them are concerned abt my posting results..so i tell them loh..many of them told me not to be discouraged..though i took a longer route, but they sae tat come to think of it, it will still be worth it for the decision i made.then terence msg me yesterday nite asking me if i have received cos he did apply for this yr admission too..but both of us didnt got in..he knew tat i would cry and yes i did cry and i was kind of surprised of how he knows tat..maybe he knows gers reali know ah...then i ask him" u wont cry meh??"then he sae he numb liao cos last yr he also got rejected..he said console me more impt cos he knew tat i canot take such blows considerating tat i have study 3 yrs in jc and yet i still cant enter uni..he saes tat he understands wat i am feeling now but he cant experience wat's the feeling like cos he was not in my shoes before..i guess ppl who are like me will truely understand wat i am going through now..now i finally realised why maril has a crush on him cos the words tat he used can be misleading to gers, but rest assured tat i wont be misleaded cos i know tat he is just extending pure concern for me onli..but somehow becos of the chatting last nite, i didnt do any work at all..i think haveing hp around u are relai distracting man..now, i got so many things to catch up with, especially maths cos previously i didnt do a single tutorial at all..and it seems tat i got a hill loads of homework to catch up becos of my pure laziness to do maths homework previously..hai~the homework are just too much until i duno where should i start from..my onli hope is onli left with NUS..i still wont give up the last hope til the rejection letter is sent to me..though the appeal chances are just reali low, i will still not give up tat ray of hope..

~should i just resign myself to fate??~

yesterday mum called me during the afternoon..this is quite unusual of me tat i will pick up her phone call cos i know tat this week will be a crucial week for me..so i picked up and she told me tat one of my friend called me but my hp was switched off so she couldnt contact me so she call my house instead..but my mum said tat she claims to be my friend and the way she talks to my mum is just reali rude la, so my mum was suspecting tat she is not my friend and i also think so cos usually not much ppl will know my house no and i dun have such rude friends like wat my mum describe her as..then she said tat this has given her an instinct to call NTU to ask abt the posting and true enough tat her sixth sense is accurate tat the results are out..she told me in a upset voice tat i am not accepted for uni..the moment i heard this, i started tearing though my heart knew along tat my chances of going in are just reali little..i just couldnt accept the fact tat i need to continue my 4th yr jc in order to get an acceptable grades to go in uni..both my mum and my dad are just reali disappointed and upset over the posting results, i am neither happy over, in fact i was reali upset tat for the rest of yesterday i was reali in a dazzed and i dun feel like talking to anyone abt this except yk..the friends ask me why am i so blur but i denied tat i am not blur..neither do i wish to mention to them tat the uni never accept me cos i am reali too sad to mention abt this..even though yesterday CT's period was interesting and nice cos they invitied the SAF "music society" to sing for us and all the gers in my class are so excited over the guys cos they are quite cute and shuai, but this does not cheer me up either..maybe i am just too upset over the posting until nothing could reali cheer me up..my dad told his friend over the phone yesterday tat all these 20yrs have done down the drain..hai~~~when i heard tat i started crying cos i reali feel bad for letting him down..mum was feeling reali snappy cos she also duno wat to do now also..she just kept saying me the whole nite yesterday tat" given the situation now and u still dun cherish urself and make sure u do well for ur piano, otherwise u will just be a totally useless person liao..wa lao i was damn angry lah cos i am not feeling gd either and she keep fann me..i also dun wish to turn out like this too wat, u think i am veri happy over not going into uni meh???

seriously i believe tat NUS will accept me are just reali reali low, so should i resign myself to fate and swallow my pride and continue with my 4th yr jc or should i just leave sch, i guess the ans is obvious becos i am left with no choice now..sigh..i know tat even if i appeal it will just be 0.000001% and i reali regretted for not doing well in maths, otherwise i will not be short for a grade to go into uni and becos of this i have to made this choice..seriously i need time to get over this first becos i am reali deeply upset over this and i reali cant accept this fact as a ger tat i need to stay 4 yrs in jc..most of retainees who dun do well they will just go private uni but for me i know i cant..seriously my life is reali full of obstacles ever since i come jc, i duno if am i reali tat unlucky or wat, tat i always have to encounter tough obstacles..i am reali tired already and my mind are reali exhausted now...i guess i reali need a break now..

~life is always so unpredictable~

last fri on my way home, i saw terence and its exactly at the same spot where we met last time..he asked me so how abt the gathering tat u wanted previously..opps, tat was wat my mind was thinking abt tat point of time cos i have totally forgotten abt it..i told him previously tat i wanted to organise a gathering but provided tat i can go uni, else i will be too sad sobbing away, dun think i got the mood to celebrate too..he told me not to be like tat leh cos whether i can go in or not wont affect de, eventually u still need to move on in life..aiya i will see how first, but if i reali go in then i will promise watever i said, organise a outing...

sat i went for my paino lesson..this time round, i am reali serious in listening to lesson cos my exams are coming soon and i need to be serious liao..i realised tat music is something tat is reali hard to understand..there are just alot of hidden meaning tat need to be interpretated..and most of the time i dun understand wat the pieces i am talking abt, quite have to play bindly loh..and i realised tat i cant appreciate piano pieces cos usually i tend to switch off after a while.hence, sometimes i think tat art students are reali better than sci students cos at least they think more than sci students..sci students tend to be more mechanical asnd robotic..sat my brother also got his posting and i was reali shocked by the posting results cos i expected him to go a better course instead of tat course given to him..i reali feel tat given his grades he can reali go courses tat are better loh..mum is just reali upset over it, but never mind, next yr he shall apply again..then my parents sae:" i am onli left with u tat i am worried cos i think chances are just reali hard now.."phew, i have been thinking alot during the weekend, i also duno wat to do if cant get in also..dad was also saying tat u can stop dreaming abt studying and working at the same time cos i know tat u are not up to tat.. so wat now? i cant give an ans to myself too..lately was just too preoccupied with worries until i dun have tat mood to do my homework..all i hope was i am go in uni regardless of any dumping course tat they wish to offer me..wat i am most scared is i cant even go in dumping course la..tat is relai the worst scenario tat i can expect...

~i am seriously scared now~

wat should i do now?? i cant stop worrying abt the results which is going to be out next week and it is coming so soon and my fate will be sealed by next week!!..i am so scared to know the outcome..i think this weekend i will spend most of my time worrying again...sigh..todae lots of the ex j2 students came bac sch to take their cert and i saw my friend..i was surprised to hear tat she and yh got the same results but somehow she haven received the application results when yh has already received it..so i think it will all be depends on luck..i duno if i will be tat lucky to get in, but i reali hope this time will cos i reali wish to move on in life instead of stucking in sch with tat shallow and peanuts knowledge..seriously tat A levels cert is just useless if i cant get to uni..she feels tat repeating isnt a way out this time round, though the sch did call her to ask if she wans to repeat..so she said tat if reali cant go in the have to go private uni le..if cant pay then have to work and study at the same time...for me, i did thought of tat, but i duno if i got the discipline to study and work at the same time..for all i know is i am quite slack and lazy at times if there is no one to control and discipline me...

seriously life now is just seriously bored, life is so stale now without any friends around..though i am learning to be independent, but the empty feeling in me overwhelms the feeling of having friends around to talk abt troubles u have..todae saw idol 1, finally, after so many weeks..i saw him when i was going to sch tat time, so when he walked further away from me, i turned bac to take a glance at him secretly..haha, this is the nice feeling of idolzing someone where he duno abt tat..

~the results will comfirm be out next week~

yesterday my mum has called NTU to ask if when i will received my application results..initially the person didnt want to sae de, but later duno wat my mum sae then she onli revealed abit, saying tat the most she can revealed is tat i can get it only by next week..so i believed tat the results are already printed out liao, just tat duno why they still dun wan to send to us..for now, i can onli pray hard and think of how to write the appeal eassy just in case i cant get in..i must make sure tat it is of gd quality so my teacher has agreed to edit for me after i wrote it..sigh..after the results are out, it will either become a nightmare to me or either i will be happily leaving sch..but wat tat makes me most worried is they didnt even call me up for interview..if they got call me then at least shows tat i still got some chance..sigh..
todae my tutor was talking to me then she mentioned tat i am a person who is indecisive, meaning i cant make up my mind for watever i do..yes, wat she sae is true cos i knew tat being indecisive is my shortcoming all along and being easily distracted is also one of my weakness and shortcoming..she sae tat i reali need to improve on tat cos in future when i go out to work, i cant be like this, else it will be veri hard for me to survive cos many at times i will feel uncertain and confused..but she sae one gd thing abt me is i never give up upon facing failure.she said tat there are some students who give up on themselves after they need a failure, but i dont..maybe i dun give up on myself cos afterall i always experience failure until i am used to it le, so afterall i became used to it le..
todae i think my gp kinda know tat i didnt pay attention to class cos i was kind of switching off..i switch off becos i dun understand wat the passage is talking abt and how can i phrase the passage in my own words..so after tat i reali stare blankly into space cos i still dun understand after my teacher explains abt it..maybe my english is reali too lousy until i dun understand wat she is talking abt..it seems tat i have the lousiest eng in class despite the fact tat i am taking gp the 4th yr..sigh..my mind is just worried abt my future now, nothing else reali matters most to me..

~i am reali damn scared of my outcome now~

yesterday yh msg me telling me tat she has got her posting results le and she did managed to get into NTU le..seriously i am damn scared now..no one has yet to call me..in 2 weeks time, everything will be finalised..then we chatted over the phone for one hour plus..she asked me if i cant get in then how?? she asked if i reali want to continue staying in sch meh?she feels tat i should think of a backup plan now instead of styaing bac in sch..sigh..i reali duno..my mind is just reali confused now..my mind reali canot concentrate on anything now..all i am worried is the posting results..i cant concentrate for lessons todae cos my mind was just kept thinking of wat if i cant go in..if i relai cant go in then i will be wasting my 3 yrs in jc..oh man, pls tell me wat should i do now..then i asked her of my chance of going into uni, then she said tat probably i cant enter uni..when she said tat my heart was reali scared le...my results are just below borderline case, so i reali duno wat will be the outcome..my mood todae is just kinda worried..i didnt even talk to anyone at all, was reali quiet in sch..hai~mind is so vexed now !!!! cant i just get a reply asap, then i see wat can i do next...

~the letter from SMU~

yesterday just received the confirmation letter from SMU that i am not enlisted to study in their sch...actually before i apply for SMU, i knew all along tat i confirm canot get in, just tat i apply for the sake tat i want to console myself tat at least i did apply for all 3 colleages..so i am not disappointed at all for the outcome..afterall i knew tat SMU is a sch tat is veri hard to enter..u need to have the brains and plus u reali need to be veri gd in speaking especially in interviews..all these basic requirements, i canot even meet up to lah..yesterday i also had a good time watching tv shows at home during the night cos my parents are not around, so i can do watever i like..it was so shiok man, i watched tv continuously for 4 hrs without stopping..its reali been a long time since i watch tv continuously for so many hours, feeling is just reali great! but bad part is tat i never do my homework at all..but it reali shows tat i am one who have no discipline..i need ppl to drive me to study, else, i will be reali distracted or either i will nuah like mad..
todae my tutor ask me again, so how??still coping well?? then i sae, ya...then she started mentioning abt my application again..she asked:" so how? if reali canot get in then how? i asked all the teachers and they advise u to stay on cos anyway onli left half a yr already, it will be quite fast and moreover wat u want to do if u dun continue, if u got something to do in mind, then u continue to pursue it, else i believe tat u will be doing nothing.."aiya i also duno lah..i reali dun like fighting a battle when i dun have the confidence of doing well and moreover tat gp is hard to pass also..think asking me to retake gp paper also will fail too again..i am just like those ppl who canot pass chinese cos their chinese are veri lousy..no matter how many times they retake chinese, it will still be hard to pass chinese..i am those ppl tat falls into this region..my friend also came bac sch to visit the teachers and she is going towwards to yr 2 already and i haven even started going into uni..oh man, tat is real pathetic..i told my teacher tat i am one who canot study, or either i am just bad in studying..i feel tat becos afterall i have been studying the jc course for 3 yrs and i dun see any improvement in grades at all, so u will start questioning yourself tat are u reali the type tat have the brains to study??though ppl always sae tat the process of how u get to a place doesnt matter, but i feel tat after so many yrs, u will reali feel tired of such life liao..seriously i never feel tat when i was young cos all along, i am quite gd in my studies til sec 3 when my grades started to drop reali much..anyway i believe tat this 2 weeks i will get the results from NUS and NTU le..just pray hard tat i still can go in cos my friend sae tat maybe i should feel happy tat at least u still haven receive the rejection letter, maybe it does shows tat u still have some chance.. so now have to wait patiently..i duno tat if calling u up for interview is it a gd or bad thing cos so far, haven even received a phone call from either uni, and i think tat my course tat i apply for dun reali need interview, cos i dun choose in first yr and i will choose in the sec yr..

~the detention~

sat i was just reali unwilling to go to sch for detention cos it was reali lame la, cos i was late for sch and i need to do detention..wat logic is this man and this sch is always so nonsense, full of nonsense things tat they want students to be abide to..fine, kay, when i reached sch i thought the detention was supposed to help them clean up classroom or wat, but it turned out to be doing own self revision and do some stupid reflection worksheet for the mistake tat u made..wa lao when i knew tat i was damn pissed..i wasted my time and bus fare just to travel here and do homework..wat nonsense is this !!! then one of the teacher in charged asked me if i dyed my hair cos i thought its sat wat, cant be so sway to be caught by teachers for coloured hair, so i just lazy to paint the black paint on my hair..but no knows, i am just tat sway to be kana caught again..i guess the teacher was shocked to hear tat i admitted tat i did dyed my hair cos he was expecting me to sae tat i didnt dye..aiya since its so obvious and tat he has seen it, no point hiding anymore..but i immediately said tat i will redye it during the weekends and after tat he stop nagging liao..so moral of the story is, just sae watever teachers hope to hear, then they will stop bugging u liao..after which have to rush for piano lessons and its like so tiring man..my teacher said tat actually i am one tat can do well in piano, just tat i am lazy to think, she said tat actually i do have potential..but i dun think likewise, i feel tat i know nuts abt music and those even basic stuff i also duno and u can sae tat i got the potential??i think something must be wrong abt her..she said tat there are some students who reali have the potential but there are reali some who have no potential at all, but she will teach them no matter wat..kay after i reached home, i watched 1.5hrs of tv after which continue doing my maths homework..wa lao every week also got lots of maths homework to do, sian man..
sun i was feeling pretty lazy, my efficiency of doing my homework is just kinda slow, duno why..during the evening went to eat at my house coffee shop cos its mother's day and my brother is treating us to eat..he said tat this dinner tat was paid by me was through the hardwork tat i earned in NS through the harsh physical training of running..so he ordered a curry fish head to eat and some side dish..i realised tat my brother can spend lots of money when he comes to food itself, cos he goes for the quality instead of quantity..somehow i feel tat he can reali spend much more money on food compared to me, cos usually i am quite qing cai when it comes to food..anything is fine with me as long as it is edible..then dad started saying when we are eating tat, i am actually more worried than u abt the application results..if u dun wan to study anymore then wat else u can do, dun tell me tat u want to work..he asked me to drop my idea becos my family income dun allows me to go a private uni, but i dun believe tat i cant work for myself and pay the fees by myself loh..he also said tat he thought tat i still got the determination to study on cos previously i wanted to go bac sch to retake, but when i stepped into the sch, i realised tat i have regretted making this decision..the choice is not for u to decide..u have to continue on if u cant get in..sigh..i duno wat should i do also, everything seems bleak and uncertain to me, i cant make any choice, cos either way it is not going to give me a gd solution..

~i am still uncertain abt my decision~

thur morning, i came to sch reali early cos i was punished to come for the make up pe lesson becos of my disappearance for the last 1.5months..but i went there, there is practically nothing much lah, the teacher in charge also bo chap, actually can just sign attendance and go off..but seriously its wasting my time la..i need to wake up super early just to ensure tat i reach sch by 7.15am..so i just run one round the track to pretend tat i got do something..after which changed bac into my uniform since it is assembly time..after the assembly, my teacher asked me so how?decided le mah??i told her tat i still duno but i sae tat i will still pay for the exam fees first..and i realised tat even if u can get to uni, u cant get 100% refund..oh man, tat's means tat part of my money will be gone no matter wat..sigh...suddenly still so painful at heart cos first time need to pay so much for exam fees cos all along its my parents who are paying, but this time round, mum refuse to pay for me so i have no choice, but to pay by myself..somehow, i still cant decide on my decision..cos its reali hard for me to make such an important decision in life which will affect my future..so my teacher ask, so if u were to leave, then wat will u continue to do? she asked me to ask myself wat i want, still i cant find an ans to it..
it seems tat i am veri "Popular" in sch liao cos it seems tat every teacher also knows tat i am a repeat student even though who never taught me before, but i think they duno my name, just tat they know my face..why do i sae so??reason is becos my gp teacher was asking me, mr XXX teach u in j1 ah??then i sae should be la..actually i almost forgot tat he did thought me before cos it seems tat i have been thought by many teachers due to the reason tat i have been in sch for like 3 yrs..yesterday nite, my parents was just unhappy abt the appeal results for the medicine course for my brother..they are questioning why is it tat my brother got 4 As and yet he sitll cant go in, so they are kind of bu shuang abt it and they are reali noisy la when they voice out their unhappiness and has affected me in studying my maths..come on lah, its not onli being a doctor then can earn lots of money..there are other course tat have quite gd propects wat, they just dun like it, the onli thing is mind is tat they want my brother to be a doctor..yesterday i was pretty quiet cos i am quite worried again cos 16 may is reaching and yet i still have yet to received news abt the results..my dad said tat once after 16 may if u still haven received ur results then tat means tat chances of going in are just reali low le cos 16 may is the appeal date for NTU...gosh, onli few days left...sigh..yesterday i was praying, i pray with a sincere heart cos i reali hope tat watever i pray will be heard hopefully..
todae maths test i think i will confirm fail man, its seems tat out of 4 qns, i onli know how to do 1 qn..yes, it is tat bad, but i did study for it..it reali seems tat there is not much improvement in my results even though i repeat another yr..so does repeating help??

~The pain of staying on..~

i told my mum abt the paying of the 4oo bucks for the exam and she told me tat it is not reasonable for me to pay now when the results are not out yet and moreover the A levels is like 6 months from now..so she was telling me to try to drag as long as possible cos she knows tat the min i give my teacher tat 400 bucks then it will be hard to get it bac..and yes i know tat..but my dad was telling me early in the morning tat u must pay tat 400 bucks no matter wat cos its ur future and u shouldnt joke abt such matters..though u lose tat 400 bucks, tat money still can earn bac de..so i guess tat i am taking a gamble out of this 400 bucks..so just have to pray reali hard tat i can get in, else my 400 bucks will be gone down the drain..todae my tutor was asking me, so how? have u think abt wat i told u yesterday, which was something regarding whether i still want to stay on..i told her tat i reali duno, see how it goes when i receive the results..but she said tat the 400 bucks then how? i told her at most i have to forgo getting bac tat money if i cant get in..then she smiled..i believe tat she knows wat my mind wants, but just tat i am just scared to make watever decisions tat i hope to get..then todae damn sway tat my pe teacher caught me for ponning pe and she asked me why am i not here since the day when i came bac..i told her tat i have thrown away my pe shirt, so cant take pe..though its a lame reason, but i cant find any reason as to why i pon for tat 1.5 months pe..then she sae me tat saying tat since u have throw away ur pe shirt, then might well u throw away ur uniform as well..then i kept quiet cos afterall its my fault tat i pon pe for months..then she sae do u know the consequences of poning, then i sae ya..i know tat i will be faced with disciplinary actions and the sch can forbit me to stay on if i continue to pon my pe lesson..actually all the repeat students are also like me, never even attend a single lesson for pe..cos all of us find it no point going for such stupid things..so she said tat i have to attend every morning make up lesson for 3 days per week at 7.15am..wa lao then i told her i live veri far leh, then she sae then those ppl living in johor then how, they still can sch to sch on time wat..fine ! so i didnt want to agrue with her cos i know tat no matter wat i sae, i will always be the one in the wrong and moreover she is the teacher wat, she has the final sae and i dun have the chance to express my unhappiness though i reali want to sae..wa lao i also duno if is there such early bus service at my house or not..aiya never mind, if i still cant reach sch by 7.15am,then cant be helped cos i have already tried my best liao..sian man..duno why when she keep forcing me to ans her questions, then i started to tearing..and i think she knows tat cos her tone towards me became better..duno why i just dun feel like answering watever she ask me and she keep forcing me to sae and i am veri unwillingly to talk abt it and i feel veri pressurized by it so i started crying..i also feel guilty for creating troubles for my friends who tried to cover for me..so i signal to them and ask them not to lie for me anymore cos afterall i believe tat she knows wat is going on..so i told them to be honest with her and dun help me anymore..hai~ i have 2 dentions to clear and tat alone will last for 6hrs and plus tat pe make up lesson every morning..hai~~~i reali feel painful staying on..wat should i do..i cant decided on any thing and many troubles keep piling on me..life is reali tiring on go on..

~The pain of staying on..~

i told my mum abt the paying of the 4oo bucks for the exam and she told me tat it is not reasonable for me to pay now when the results are not out yet and moreover the A levels is like 6 months from now..so she was telling me to try to drag as long as possible cos she knows tat the min i give my teacher tat 400 bucks then it will be hard to get it bac..and yes i know tat..but my dad was telling me early in the morning tat u must pay tat 400 bucks no matter wat cos its ur future and u shouldnt joke abt such matters..though u lose tat 400 bucks, tat money still can earn bac de..so i guess tat i am taking a gamble out of this 400 bucks..so just have to pray reali hard tat i can get in, else my 400 bucks will be gone down the drain..todae my tutor was asking me, so how? have u think abt wat i told u yesterday, which was something regarding whether i still want to stay on..i told her tat i reali duno, see how it goes when i receive the results..but she said tat the 400 bucks then how? i told her at most i have to forgo getting bac tat money if i cant get in..then she smiled..i believe tat she knows wat my mind wants, but just tat i am just scared to make watever decisions tat i hope to get..then todae damn sway tat my pe teacher caught me for ponning pe and she asked me why am i not here since the day when i came bac..i told her tat i have thrown away my pe shirt, so cant take pe..though its a lame reason, but i cant find any reason as to why i pon for tat 1.5 months pe..then she sae me tat saying tat since u have throw away ur pe shirt, then might well u throw away ur uniform as well..then i kept quiet cos afterall its my fault tat i pon pe for months..then she sae do u know the consequences of poning, then i sae ya..i know tat i will be faced with disciplinary actions and the sch can forbit me to stay on if i continue to pon my pe lesson..actually all the repeat students are also like me, never even attend a single lesson for pe..cos all of us find it no point going for such stupid things..so she said tat i have to attend every morning make up lesson for 3 days per week at 7.15am..wa lao then i told her i live veri far leh, then she sae then those ppl living in johor then how, they still can sch to sch on time wat..fine ! so i didnt want to agrue with her cos i know tat no matter wat i sae, i will always be the one in the wrong and moreover she is the teacher wat, she has the final sae and i dun have the chance to express my unhappiness though i reali want to sae..wa lao i also duno if is there such early bus service at my house or not..aiya never mind, if i still cant reach sch by 7.15am,then cant be helped cos i have already tried my best liao..sian man..duno why when she keep forcing me to ans her questions, then i started to tearing..and i think she knows tat cos her tone towards me became better..duno why i just dun feel like answering watever she ask me and she keep forcing me to sae and i am veri unwillingly to talk abt it and i feel veri pressurized by it so i started crying..i also feel guilty for creating troubles for my friends who tried to cover for me..so i signal to them and ask them not to lie for me anymore cos afterall i believe tat she knows wat is going on..so i told them to be honest with her and dun help me anymore..hai~ i have 2 dentions to clear and tat alone will last for 6hrs and plus tat pe make up lesson every morning..hai~~~i reali feel painful staying on..wat should i do..i cant decided on any thing and many troubles keep piling on me..life is reali tiring on go on..

~i saw an interestin teacher..~

yesterday i was told by my class chairman tat i need to pay up for my A levels exam and it cost $400..hai~then i heard tat,my first reaction was :''huh??so fast must pay liao meh?then i ask her if the money is it refundable if i can get into uni,then she told me she duno abt it.."so todae i asked my teacher abt it then she said tat she understands the situation i am in , just have to blame it on the bad timing tat the results are not out yet but still, i have to pay first ,else they wont register the exam for me..she said tat i can onli get bac my money provided tat i got proof tat i am going uni..if for any personal reason tat u dun wish to continue then its non refunable..seriously i haven decide wat should i do if i cant get in, i guess tat everything can onli be decided once after the results are out..but if i cant get in and i have already pay the 400 bucks, which means tat i have to take the exam, if not i will be just wasting my money paying for nothing..so in other words, maybe i am forced to continue staying in sch under such circumstances..aiya duno now,everything is so fann to me now..got so much things to worry in mind now..and i have to pay the money by this thur in cash and my mum is not willing to pay the exams fees for me so i guess tat i need to take tat 400 bucks from my bank, cos i dun have tat much of cash for the time being..
then yesterday when i was going home, i saw the teacher who went for the super host contest and i presumed tat he is a teacher from innova jc cos he board the train at woodlands and tat time he did came to our sch to invigilate for A results.actually not much ppl notice him when he got into the train,but somehow he manage to caught my attention just when i started to sleep on the train..i find tat he is a reali kind teacher..one of the passenger drop his card by accident on the floor but he duno..i surpose tat everyone saw it,including me, cos its super obvious, but all of us just kept quiet and pretend tat we didnt see tat..so he told the passenger tat he dropped his card..tat time i was thinking , wa he is such a nice guy,its such a waste tat he is a teacher cos he looks not bad, and its a pity cos sch are hard to find another half cos usually they are either married or there are just no "suitable candidate" around cos most of the time they will spend their time with students. after which he took out his play station and he is super engrossed when he played tat, such tat he have forgotton the image of a teacher tat they should behave..anyway i still find him a reali interesting guy cos i never seen a teacher playing with play station so engrossed before, though i know tat they are humans and they need lesiure too...haha..duno why i kept taking glances at watever he does ever now and then..i guess tat he has once appeared on the tv before, so maybe i quite kpo after his personal life..haha..

~the depression and upset period~

fri i was reali in a daze even when i was walking bac home..duno why also,maybe i am just thinking abt lots of some worrying stuff tat has been bugging me lately, such tat i didnt even notice my classmates waving to me even though they are standing so close to me..duno why lah,i am just not being myself..mind is just reali full of worries..
sat supposely need to go for detention since i was late for 3 times,but i told my class chairman tat i am not going cos i got piano lesson in the afternoon and i am not going to travel all the way to the north just to do detention, and moreover i find it damn lamn lah, if they want me to do detention,then fine i am willing to be responsible for being late, but provided its on weekdays..maybe i am just reali stubborn but once my mind is made up, i wont change my decision de unless there are some forseen circumstances..sat i spend my day doing some of my tutorial and it seems tat this weekend i dun reali have much hw to do,duno why..or maybe i just dun feel like doing since i dun have the mood to do...my piano teacher was saying on sat tat " u ah, need to concentrate more liao and dun be so depressed anymore for any reason.." hey it seems tat my teacher knows tat my mood are not feeling reali gd..but i am reali scared too for the piano exam and its coming up in july..and now i haven even finish learning the basic things..so feel kinda stress cos i dun wan to fail again and take another grade 8 exam again cos i reali dun feel like learning piano anymore..
sun i was reali feeling veri jialat tat i cried during the night cos my heart was feeling veri terrible..i guess tat i have bottled up too much unhappy things in my heart tat i have decided to let out my emotions by crying and yes indeed it does help abit..through this 1 and the half months,i have been feeling upset and depressed over the application and the way of life tat i am going through now..though i never like studying all along, but the irony part is tat i am reali afraid tat no sch are willing to take in me then i cant have the chance to study anymore to get a cert..maybe i am just afraid of the consequences of not having a cert when u go out to the society to work..stress,worriedness and fear have recently piled out so much tat my heart cant take it anymore so i believed tat crying will be a way out to help me release the tention in my heart..though yesterday nite i do feel like talking to someone abt my problems but who can i talk to?? and i believe tat everyone faces the same problem as me in life, so i will bored the person to death if i talk abt this..but yesterday joey's friend did msg me at the right time, but somehow i still didnt want to reply him though i want to find ppl to talk to..he knows i wont reply cos he said tat if i am busy then never mind then..so i guess tat he knows tat i wont reply him, so he was just trying his luck this time round if i will reply..but everytime i have been giving excuses tat i am veri busy..but in fact, i am not reali tat busy,just tat i am exaggerating..yes,indeed sometimes i am busy, but sometimes i am reali free like anything..i duno if i am veri meant by doing this to him, but its just weird la..
todae mdm ho saw me in library..she was asking me,so how's is the application results...i told her tat i duno yet..she sae tat if u know the gd news, call to tell me hor..she advised me not to choose engineering cos she said tat most of the teachers in my sch took engineering and they dun like, so they change to teaching eventually..she said tat i should choose something tat i like, but i guess tat up to this point of time, i dun have a choice to choose, just take watever u can..though she said tat its a lifetime thing, but i guess tat i will just see how its goes and take things step by step ba..for all i know tat my road ahead might be difficult to go through and full of obstacles tat i need to overcome..

~i am seriously veri worried now..~

yesterday i stayed bac in sch to study for my physics test,but ended up like doing nothing cos i fell asleep halfway through and i realised tat the sch library is reali noisy tat hardly i can cramp the stuff inside my brain..so i onli studied like a few pages of my lecture notes,which is kind of pathetic cos i got 3 chapters to cover for the test and i never even complete one lecture note in sch..then later decide to go home at instead cos i dun find it efficient staying in sch even though i know tat at home i confirm wont study cos i will be super tired.just as i expected,i reali got home doing nothing..went home to watch a show cos my teacher will be on the tv and they will be filming her house and her hubby.after which cm called me to ask me if i know my posting le,i told her tat i haven got it yet but weird, she have gotton her posting liao and she managed to get into NUS and not NTU..seriously i feel damn weird la,why NTU didnt accept her huh, cos both of us feel tat supposedly her grades are onli gd enough to go into NTU.but somehow she is kind of not happy getting into her course cos she said she didnt reali want tat course,she apply for tat course just to fill up the 8 courses completely tat we wish to apply..but seriously i feel tat her course is reali a gd course la,but too bad, she just dun like it..actually to me i think tat got sch willing to take me in then veri heng liao..i guess my results cant reali go anywhere..i can onli wait for ppl to choose cos i dun have the chance to choose wat i wan..its just like choosing a husband or bf..if u have gd qualities,then u have the chance to choose whoever u wish to be with,however if one does not posses gd qualities,then u just have to wait for ppl to take u..i guess my situation is just like wat i describe above..i just have to wait patiently for this whole month to take me into their sch..hai~~duno why i feel seriously demoralised over everything liao cos whatever i do i always fail and never suceeded before..though i tried to be pestismistic at times but somehow it still dun reali work on me..hai~why is my life always full of troubles..then yesterday after cm called me i immediately switched on my comp and went online to check my application status cos i didnt know the thing is up liao.so i tried entering the webpage for reali long and i realised tat i couldnt get in so i started to be reali panic..so i asked her why is tat so..then she told me tat maybe i didnt get in ba..when i see tat msg,my heart was reali shattered and was super sad..but later i try my brother's account and he also cant get through,so i assumed tat my application haven finalised yet cos my brother got 4 As,cant be rejected by NUS ba..with all As, i am sure tat he can go any course he wans to..so after tat i became better cos i was console by the fact tat the results haven finalised yet..phew...tat reali scare me to death...but seriously i feel tat has NTU has raised its standard of taking in students cos students with quite average grade also cant get in..hmm..
seriously everyday in sch i have been waiting for phone call from NTU or NUS hoping tat they would call me, but so far they haven call me yet..my friends sae tat probably they will call me soon,maybe the end of may..seriously lately i didnt reali talk or stay close with my classmates,duno why also..everyday it seems tat i am just sticking around with yk tat i hardly got time to interact with my classmates..but seriously i dun feel anything despite the fact tat usually i am alone when yk is not around.maybe i have reali learn to be independent liao and not too much reliance on friends' company..i just got bac my chem test,did veri badly for both..but duno why i dun feel sad at all ah,maybe i am used to the failing life liao..actually i didnt reali expect much cos tat both test i didnt reali study much,so cant expect to do well when i didnt put in effort at all..so wat abt the phyics test todae??hmm..actually i also duno how i will do for it but i feel tat the time is reali not enough..i have been seeing idol 2 practically most of the days..hardly see tat idol 1..where has he gone to??hmm..

~the worried feeling in me again!~

weekend was pretty a gd one..actually most of the time i was wasting my time sleeping cos i always feel sleepy at home..the cosy floor always attracted me to sleep...sat was spending most of my time watching tv cos i am just glued to a particular taiwan serial show..sun, jing yi asked me if i am free to meet up since its been a long time since we last seen each other..actually i wanted to meet up de since i am kinda of bored coping at home doing homework,but later i changed my mind cos its weird to go out with a guy alone..duno why i just dun dare go out with some guys alone..but some guys like yk, jt and some others should be ok..i always treat yk as another yh cos naturally i dun treat him as a guy..haha..i am not scared tat they will do anything to me or wat,but just tat, its just weird la..i am scared tat there will be nothing to talk between us or rather when we go out, we will just stare at each other..oh man,tat will be the worst date..i am not saying tat he is scary or wat,but just tat if he ask a group along to go out then maybe i will go..then sun my brother was telling me tat his friend with B and C grades cant go into NTU,then i started panicking,i started asking myself tat if he cant go in then tat's means i cant go in also???oh man, this is a veri worried thing to me..friends have been asking me if i have gotton my posting and i told them i haven..i guess i will onli received it by the end of may cos i believe tat those with lousy results will get at tat time just like last yr..sigh...everyday is a worried and panicking day for me until i received my posting..most of the ppl in sch sae tat i can go in de cos they sae tat there are more ppl with lousier results than me,but at the end of the day, its my luck tat still matters cos its reali up to heaven liao..
my brother is just kinda of sway cos he was called up for guard duty cos he always take MC..but he is always sick wat, canot blame him wat..sometimes i think he is veri ke lian loh,see him like kana tortured by the tough training in NS..then recently his helmet dropped from the 5th floor to the ground floor until it almosts hit one officer..i think becos of this he has to do his so call "Dentention"..and worst still, labour may he was alone with a an officer in SISPEC,so he had to sleep alone with no lights on..if i were him,i will be frightened like anything cos there quite ulu man..
hai~there is so much tests..yj is forever full of tests,so sick of it liao..fri i got an upcoming test,seriously dun feel like studying man cos its so sian la,keep reading the same old thing since last yr liao and some of it i still can memorized la..and tat gp teacher also,give so much homework !!! but some i cant be bothered to do cos i find it pointless to do for some of them..
duno why i suddenly have the urge hoping to be attached cos its kind of lonely going through life alone...but haha,there are hardly guys for me to know,cos most of the guys around me are either too young for me or they are attached..sometimes i laugh at wat the meassges tat those online guys send..cos they describe me until like some angel so tat they will get their attention from u,but its pointless cos i WONT be interested in those guys unless i know them personally..moreover those guys, 9 out ten cant be trusted..most of them are just out to cheat young innocent gers..i realised tat my social circle are just reali small man..how can i get married in 7 yrs time if i dun slowly find one now..haha...this is bad..